Warning, my grammer sucks.
My husband just told me he wants a divorce. I am so torn up I could die. I haven't worked in years, and I am not in the best of health. I don't even know what to do. I can't afford to hire a lawyer. His mom and dad will help him all the way and pay for one.
They can't stand me and will be glad to see me gone. I don't want to see my girls having another mom and having to go between houses. It is not fair to them. I hate the idea of being alone and starting over. How can I ever trust a man again? So many life things will be gone. No health insurance, I won't be able to get my surgery done, no dental, no vision. I will have all these bills and no way to pay them, and to top it off I have to see the man that put me in hell every time he wants to see his girls. The sad part is my girls will see and feel my pain no matter how I try to hide it . They will turn away from their daddy they are that much like me. It will break their hearts . They will love him because he is their daddy and hate him because he hurt them and left them and their momma . I don't want them to feel that. He is such an evil person. He is so selfish and self centered and he never does anything wrong. He is blaming me for everything. I know him. He won't just walk away empty handed. He is going to suddenly turn into a monster, I just know it.
I have gone through hell with him and stood by him and even took him back when he walked out on us before. My youngest child has said time and time again "if daddy leaves us again we will lock the door and not let him back in momma." She remembers standing in the door way crying saying " daddy don't leave us" as he drove off with that evil ha ha look on his face.
She is not as forgiving as her sister. I don't understand why he thinks this will solve all his problems, but if I have to go through this I will do it . I will fight like I have for the past 15 years to keep us from losing everything, and I will make it through this . When he sees that his life isn't a big wonderful happy life suddenly just because I am not in it he will wish he had done things differently. It will be to late. I will have moved on. This time the door will not be open and there will be no coming back. My girls will let him know real quick that they love their momma and that he had better never say one bad word about me to them or they will not talk to him again. He underestimates his daughters and the bond we share. He lost one daughter already. She chose not to allow him back into her life because she remembers how mean he was to her mom. I would hate for him to lose the other two because of the same thing. He doesn't realize that with child support and with alimony his plans for having lots of money to spend is not going to be a reality. Melissa and Sarah have both said that they do not want to go live with him if he decides to leave. They asked me if daddy was going to leave again after he left for work one morning. We had an argument right before he left. I said" honey I would like to say no he will never leave again, but momma can not control what daddy does. That is when they both said " if he does leave I wont go with him and Sarah said if he took her she would run away and come back home. I had to leave the room and I cried. No child their age should have to deal with this crap. He traumatized them once, and now he wants to do it again? I feel like I wasted the best years of my life on him. At least I have my girls to show for it. He is acting like he is a saint and that I am a lousy everything and he is leaving for the girls. That is not how they will see it. That was his excuse last time to. There isn't enough love in the world for me to ever give him another chance after this, so when he leaves he had better be sure. No third chances from this lady.
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cartay25
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Aug 12 @ 3:15AM
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Contact you local legal aid for help. Your girls sound like they have their own minds just do your best not to run down their dad in front of them, it will only give him more to use against you. As for finding and trusting another man, the time will come when you have healed and will be ready to try again. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and you already know that it was nothing you did, just keep remembering that. Best wishes and hang in there, you will make it.
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KittyNation
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Aug 12 @ 3:34AM
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If you can't afford a lawyer, contact Legal Aid - most of those do it pro-bono (free) or nearly free. As for the health insurance - you can put it in the divorce that he continue paying for health insurance on you for at least two years and on the children until they are 18 or as long as they are in school. If he won't carry insurance on you then at least check into public aid for a medical card. Trust me, I was dead set against using public aid but if I wanted to get my health taken care of, I had no choice. You could do public aid for a few years until you can get a good job where they have insurance.
The one thing that you must absolutely never do and that is involve your children in differences you and your husband are having - never put him down in their presence, etc. no matter how much you hate him. However please make sure that they know it's not their fault - that's it's just something that happens to married couples and has nothing to do with them.
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ragtopcookie
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Aug 12 @ 5:04AM
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wow..what a mess....i guess it just goes to show that divorce can happen at any time..to anyone......i worked with a guy who after 28 years of marriage his wife wanted a divorce....took half his retirement and they sold the house and split it...then after a few years she wanted to come back......seems her new guy wasnt so nice after a time...but he did the right thing and didnt take her back...last time i heard from him...he left the state and started a new life for himself in another state...and i say....good for him.....cookie.
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misschoos
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Aug 12 @ 6:17AM
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Luv2garden107
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Aug 12 @ 6:31AM
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Awhhhhhhh Sweetie, I feel for you. I have been three, done that, not once but two times. You stay strong for those kids. The rest are right, don't bash their dad. In time they will figure out for themselves that he is a jerk. I was in the same position.......no training to have a decent job because he never wanted me to work. So my advice is to fight for every cent......you will need it for those kids. I made it to the age of 66 with minimal support from the X and sometimes I don't know how I did it but I got by. Hugzzzzzzzz
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jelltex
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Aug 12 @ 6:36AM
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Sounds like you need to get this guy out of your, and your childrens, lives. Although it seems hard, if not impossible, there are ways of dealing with this. As has been said, get advice, and you have rights; and fight like hell for every one of them.
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Angel603
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Aug 12 @ 7:09AM
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You're angry right now and rightly so. It's very early days. It's natural to not want to break up a family unit but it doesn't sound a very happy one to me. I can honestly say it was a traumatic decision for me to decide to leave my husband but it has been the best thing I've ever done. My daughters and I are much happier as a result - the split will bring you closer together. Your husband may be a bastard but I would advise you to separate yourself from any feeling you have towards him, don't waste your energy on him anymore. If you can try to continue to support your children the best you can and not put him down at every available opportunity it will help. I know it's hard, but it's the best way. Over the 9 years I've been apart from my ex our daughters have learned for themselves the sort of man he is and their relationship has formed naturally - it's not great but it's not bad. They don't consider his partner a new Mum in any way, she's just Dad's girlfriend. They like her enough to get along with her but there's no great attachment there. I think it's natural to go into a panic about the financial aspects of being a single parent but there must be support out there for you equivalent to the Social Services in the UK - Single parents here get a lot of financial support - if I'm honest, I have less income now but I'm better off because I don't have a husband draining the resources, I can budget so much better. It's a cliche but time is a healer - give yourself time to adjust, you're in shock right now, things will get better. You won't regret letting him go.
BTW, there was nothing wrong with you grammar at all, you expressed yourself perfectly.
You will be fine! I promise!
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misschoos
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Aug 12 @ 7:24AM
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Ditto Angel, I just returned to comment on the grammar, nothing wrong with it at all. 
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Kandykammy
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Aug 12 @ 7:29AM
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I would say divorce him because he will never change, I hate to see women caught in that kind of marriage. There is a way for women to avoid that kind of situation. I stressed to all my girl students to get a good education and a good paying job that had medical insurance and a good retirement plan and not to depend on a man to support them. I have never understood child support and alimony and why a woman would set herself up for that. I believe in both partners working and both sharing custody and both supporting the children equally and forget the child support and alimony. The woman usually gets the home that the man worked for and paid for. I believe that both should be working and sharing the house payments and expense. When there is a divorce the home should be sold and the money shared. Everything should be shared and split when there is a divorce.
The reason why women should be self supporting is because the courts are full of cases where the man does not pay his child support. Some men will quit their jobs before paying child support. Only a very few women ever get the child support payments and it takes an act of law and many times back to court when they do not pay.
I realize that it is too late for you now to earn a living by working because you were just a house wife with no income and out of the work force and in bad health too, but I do wish you the best and hope you are able to carry on and that you do divorce the man.
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Seven119
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Aug 12 @ 8:48AM
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I don't know what to say.
There are always something not good happening. Are these the so-called Experience?
If so, be strong and overcome it.
Best wishes for all of you and your children.
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Martin666
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Aug 12 @ 9:05AM
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If there's been domestic violence, you can pretty much control the situation from here on out, including how much contact he has with the kids. Sounds like he hasn't filed yet...if you want to, go to legal aide and file yourself first, citing domestic abuse, and get an ex parte order from the court kicking him out of the house. Have the police present when he comes to get his things.
In most states, kids over a certain age (usually 12-14) have a lot of say about where they want to live and whether or not they want to even see the other parent.
It won't be fun, but you'll make it through...
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jazzy75149
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Aug 12 @ 9:31AM
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Contact DHS. Sign up for Medicaid, Food stamps, and anything else that you qualify for. Got kids under the age of 5? sign up for WIC. Ask DHS and the unemployment commission about job training in your area. Check to see if your town has a "free clinic"..alot of them do and work on a sliding scare basis. Depending on what kind of surgery you need...they may (or may not) do it for you. It'll be ok. Really. Stay strong. Fight back.
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cancun1999
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Aug 12 @ 9:33AM
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I read you story and it broke my heart. I know it is hard now, but you need to just let him go. Seek legal aid and don't let him bring you down..God Bless You..
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kweenzrike
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Aug 12 @ 9:55AM
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Geez... are you married to my ex?? Sounds like the same prick I was married to, with his parents bailing him out of everything. Don't rely on legal aid though.. I tried to go thru legal aid to get my ex back into court for more child support after getting 30 a week for 14 years... I went thru the state of TN twice to no avail, so i figured I'd go directly thru SC. They gave me such the run around... requesting more and more and more info,never heard a thing from them. Finally with my income taxes, I hired a lawyer in SC and got him back into court. A year goes by and I get a letter in the mail from legal aid in SC... they are representing my ex husband to get me back into court and get the child support lowered...??????? WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I was livid!!! And it worked for him, the child support was lowered... The man from the state told me he was just representing my ex, I asked who (other than myself) was representing MY kid?? That man never once took the time to do anything with my daughter, never been to the movies with her, or out to dinner with her... nothing! He even went so far as to tell her that he was ashamed of her (only because she looks just like me  ) His loss... she's a great kid.. she's 19 now... but get this, his 14 year old daughter (not mine) just had a baby and now he's the doating grandfather! They say what goes around comes around.... it does.... just not fast enough!!!
Good luck to you girl....
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Americanflirt
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Aug 12 @ 9:59AM
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I can tell you from my own divorce that many states are still heavily biased towards mothers in regards to children, especially when there is a history of the mother being home to care for children. It can be quite the  for the man on the other side of that. Don't know exactly what it is like where you are but i would be surprised if you don't get custody and alimony. Unless of course he manages to prove you did something incredibly evil. Keep the hope.
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BandTMom
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Aug 12 @ 10:27AM
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Chatty, I will tell you from personal experience and the experience of some of my friends that it is almost impossible for Legal Aid to call you back. Keep hounding them. Call every family practice lawyer in the phone book and ask if they do pro bono work or know someone who does. Go to DHS. They can help you in many ways besides financial.
In Oklahoma it is practically impossible for a mother to lose her children.
Good luck to you. My thoughts will be with you.
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SallyF
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Aug 12 @ 10:29AM
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Oh, Chatty, I feel for you---having to go through this. You are doing the right thing by sharing your thoughts (ALL of which are part of this process, and must be 'aired') here or in a journal. It's a great release valve, allowing you to be the positive Mom that you've always been with your girls, who are having their own fears and feelings.
There's much good advice in the comments.....you are a strong woman, and my thoughts are with you.
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kallie_ko
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Aug 12 @ 10:38AM
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Believe it or not you and the girls will be fine... My first suggestion would be to ask for counseling for you and the girls, ask the courts to demand him paying for that.
Then I would contact an agency in your area, Community Action or something of that nature for some job training, legal advise and what ever else your community offers. This is the time to ask for help and accept it gracously. As for the ins, you should be offered COBRA after your ins is going to cancel, you could ask the courts that he carry that until your medical bills are taken care of for your surgery if this is something that has been documented and planned... never hurts to ask!
There are a very large amount of places out there for single moms, aid for the kids, ins for both of you offered by the state, you will be best suited if you channel your anger into finding help for you and your girls instead of allowing those feelings of anger to bubble up. I know it is hard, been there done that. But you can be bigger than the person who is inflicting this upon your life right now. Everything happens for a reason... maybe that reason is not for you to gain from, but your children are suppose to go thru this for some reason or purpose... to teach them how to turn the other cheek and make things happen for yourself and take care of your own.
Probably a lesson you will never understand is to be gained from this.... stay strong, and when you feel not strong, come blog and we will be here for you and support you! Hugs to you and the girls, do right by them Momma.. they will be looking to you for the example.
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Gemologist57
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Aug 12 @ 11:23AM
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Chatty:
I agree with a few comments here - Get some help from local groups to make sure that You are ready emotionally to take on this fight for you and your kids... But, I MIGHT talk to a few friends that have gone through divorces - we all know someone who's gone through it... Find out which attorney is the best "Family Law"/Divorce Attorney in Your area, and talk with them... They May, Especially If Your Soon To Be Ex, or His Family, Have Good Jobs and/or Have Money, Be willing to take on the case by arranging for You to pay them out of what they get You - You might have to come up with a small advance/retainer... As some have said, Don't worry about the insurance and the like... The courts will not allow him to walk away from His responsibilities to You or Your/His Children... They will also not allow Him to "Impoverish Himself" - take a lesser job, or quit a high paying job, to avoid paying what the courts order Him to pay... So, Again, As others have said, You will be fine...
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Jankia
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Aug 12 @ 1:53PM
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Aside from the financial costs your going to have and your concern of him blaming me for everything always do what is best for your children...first.
That means no name calling or putting him down in front of them.Children arent dumb,they can see what is happening and find there own way to balance there time with you both,and there beliefs on who might be the better parent to listen to and trust.Thats the parent withholding their hate from their children for the other the most.
Good or bad,he is there father,Face your anxiety alone,not with your daughters.
I dont know how its handled in your state but the Family Court Commissioner in mine will work with you if your unable to afford an attorney.
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