I keep thinking to myself it is all a bad dream and any moment I will wake up with him beside me snoring. I will grab him bath his faces in kisses and hold him tight then start our day together. Instead I went to look for a job. I start friday. It is through a temp agency . I am not sure how long it will last but I hope it turns out to be a long term job that I can learn to love. It is braiding something for the oil fields. I am scared that it will be something I can't do and that I will get into trouble and be unemployeed again.
He is being all cold and business like when we talk now. I can't help but want the normal life back of a mother a father and two children that love each other. My daughter asked me today why we are a broken family. I could only say that daddy and mommy can't get along so daddy chose to leave. She said if Sarah fights with me should I leave?
She loves her dad, but she is so mad at him that she said" I don't even want to talk to him." She says that if he can leave her momma then he doesn't love her because she is half me. I am struggling so hard to convince her he loves her and not to be bitter. Dang him. No one is perfect. I am not perfect but I stuck by him through thick and thin and when we finally can have a good life and start doing things he decides he is a suit I am blue collar and we have nothing in common, I have to ask myself if we ever did. If we did then we still do. What it amounts to is he wants his freedom to explore and have the life he feels he was cheated out of. I on the other hand am going to go back to school, get a better paying job, and have the things we talked once before of having together. A nice home, a nice car, good friends and a loving person to share them with. I have lost over 20 pounds. I am going to keep going until I am back into a size 10. It won't be hard for me because I no longer feel like comforting myself with food. I am going to make it through this without food. I am determined to change myself. Not for him but for me. it is the first time in fifteen years I have done something without thinking about him first. Life is strange and full of pain right now and so uncertain. I am so scared. Life is always better if you have someone to share it with. I wonder if somewhere in the world right now there is a man that doesn't know he one day will fill the void I feel in my heart. Right now I want no one. I just want my children. One day though I am sure I will be able to take a chance on love. It will be a long time though.
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