Dear Senator Larry Craig,
I wanted to take a few minutes out of my busy schedule to write a letter of support for you.
It appears you may have swallowed more than you can handle with the latest allegations of (ahem) disorderly conduct at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. While it's true that the Roll Call has caught you with your pants around your ankles, I would like you to remember that "it ain't over till the fat gerbil sings".
Yes, you voted for the heinous "defense" of marriage act (along with a whole slew of wife-cheaters, wife-leavers, habitual divorcees, perverts, etc).
Yes, you voted to impeach Clinton because the guy was trying to hide a blowjob from the wife (I'll bet you were yanking on yer wet noodle yearning to be Monica).
But these are triflings. They only carry you so far down the conservative ladder. Not much. Maybe 6 inches. Hopefully not too much less than that. In the end, it's simply not healthy to pretend to be something you're not. Something's got to give, and when it comes right down to it, you need to be true to who you are. Do you remember the halcyon days where you sang barbershop quartet with Lott, Ashcroft, and Jeffords? You can still enjoy the same experiences, except now, you'll just have to do Broadway show tunes. Gotta love those classics -- Rodgers and Hammerstein sure know how to make even the gloomiest person's day a bit gayer.
It's not so bad. Join us liberals. Despite your past, we'll accept you for who you are because that's who WE are. We won't limit, censure, or malign you for your preferences. Yes, we might rib you a little about your past (ribbing with perhaps cherry flavor and a reservoir at the tip). We might make some joketh about all the pork you've hidden in Idaho during your Senate tenure. But when it comes right down to it, we liberals will accept you the way you are, because your sexual preference is not unnatural. It's not immoral. You have a right to be who you are, and there's nothing wrong with it.
So join us around the campfire of brotherhood, tell ghost stories and sing kumbaya with us. You can eat some hot weiners and make th'mores (we have plenty of napkins in case you dribble a little on your chin). It's not so bad being liberal: the great thing about accepting other people is that the other people usually return the favor by accepting you. You'd be surprised at the amount of hate the average American harbors in his/her heart, and they don't even know it. It feels good to let it go.
I'll tell you one thing about us liberals -- we get a WHOLE lot more sex than the conservatives! And our women (and presumably men) enjoy a whole lot more variety in their active sex lives! You haven't lived until you've been with a sexually liberated, adventuresome, no-hangup liberal chick (or dude, as the case may be).
Peace,
A tree hugger in New York City
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read more blogs!
Blogs by koyaanisqatsi:
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| I Am Not Gay, Nor Have I Ever Been Gay |
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enigmasrook
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Aug 28 @ 7:18PM
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  Have to love those dirty little secrets. Like during the Victorian era when women were completely covered and a very public reverence for women's virtues took place. The only this is, rampant incestuous sexual abuse of female family members was the norm....all hush, hush of course. Aberrant. Great blog, koy.
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Tunes4u
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Aug 28 @ 7:26PM
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"You have a right to be who you are, and there's nothing wrong with it."
And you have a right to do "it" where ever you wish.....like in airports and stuff......
Great post Koy......
Have you ever tried the vodka with a big red 3 on the front....that is what it is called...."3"
Had some last night......
Might be the best yet.......about 20 bucks a bottle, but I think it might be really good....can't remember......
Stay Tuned
I do
tunes
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enigmasrook
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Aug 28 @ 7:48PM
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It sounds like he and George Michael have something to talk about. Something tells me because of his conservative stance his political aspirations are kaput. Sad actually.
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BandTMom
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Aug 28 @ 7:52PM
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In the end, it's simply not healthy to pretend to be something you're not. Something's got to give, and when it comes right down to it, you need to be true to who you are
In those ancient words of my childhood, "Right on, brother"!
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enigmasrook
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Aug 28 @ 7:58PM
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Now if we could just find a anti-global warming propagandist who drives a Prius, and a creationist who watches Barney we will be good to go.
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SunBabe
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Aug 28 @ 8:00PM
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Oh man, IF ONLY...
Yeh, if only he'd have been true to himself and openly come out of the closet (stall?  ), he might not have found the need to "perv". ~sigh~
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CJayWright
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Aug 28 @ 8:08PM
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The States foremost " I Da Ho"
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hammertime
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Aug 28 @ 8:14PM
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I'm sure Ted Haggard will give the Senator a call, cheer him up, and pray to Jesus together. At least Larry Craig wasn't caught smoking dope, just being a dope.
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eastham
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Aug 28 @ 8:32PM
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Broadway show tunes Having actually sat through an evening of the Singing Senators, I am now unable to get their imaginary rendition of "I Feel Pretty" out of my head.
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whatagal
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Aug 28 @ 8:38PM
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But but...he ONLY tapped his right foot!!! 
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Mmmmmmmmm
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Aug 28 @ 8:44PM
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we have plenty of napkins in case you dribble a little on your chin
Kudo!
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Mission_Impossible139
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Aug 28 @ 9:37PM
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With his comment, "I'm not gay", I think he derives that notion from the fact that if you are the "pitcher", then you aren't considered gay.
As for Vitter's story down here in Louisiana, well, I'd actually vote for his wife if she ran on the Republican ticket IF, she followed through with what she said about Hillary Clinton and Bill. She said she'd do a "Lorena Bobbit" thing if she ever caught her husband doing what Bill did to Hillary. Well, Mrs. Vitter, get down and bite honey or are you just another neocon religious hypocrite?
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redtigr
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Aug 28 @ 9:41PM
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Having actually sat through an evening of the Singing Senators, I am now unable to get their imaginary rendition of "I Feel Pretty" out of my head. eastham
And as for you, Koy: This is brilliant !!
You make me proud to be a tree-hugging, bleeding heart, waa-aay far-out left-wing liberal.
Kumbaya.
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SHYBLONDE48
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Aug 28 @ 10:16PM
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In the end, it's simply not healthy to pretend to be something you're not.
Maybe he was pretending to be straight because he doesnt want to be gay.
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LawnMowerMan256
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Aug 28 @ 11:53PM
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When liberals say they are gay, they are gay.
When conservatives say they are NOT gay, they are gay.
Who should we trust?
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TallBlonde1
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Aug 29 @ 1:36AM
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Very well done, you have a wickedly wonderful sense of humor. Thank you for the best laugh of the night 
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eastham
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Aug 29 @ 8:01AM
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And from Senator Larry Craig's speech on the Senate floor during the Clinton impeachment trial: "Bad boy, Bill Clinton, you're a naughty boy. The American people already know that Bill Clinton is a bad boy, a naughty boy. I'm going to speak out for the citizens of my state, who in the majority think that Bill Clinton is probably even a nasty, bad, naughty boy."
Yep, that speech was a keeper. Hmm, wonder if he was wearing his leather underwear when he gave it?
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Nightowl001
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Aug 29 @ 10:39AM
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Excellent, Koy.
Despite his repeated assertions of "I am not gay," he has yet to explain exactly why he was reaching under the stall partition tapping anyone's shoe. Are we about to start hearing about the "no paper defense"? 
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LolaLicksLife
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Aug 29 @ 1:43PM
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we have plenty of napkins in case you dribble a little on your chin
There would be no need for napkins if he would only learn how to swallow properly...
Wait. Did I say that out loud?
Don't look at me. You *know* you were all thinking the exact same thing, bunch of wanton, deviant liberals that you are!
singing, "Oh, I wish I was Senator Craig's weiner...
Oh that is what I'd truly like to beeeee...
'Cause if I were Senator Craig's weiner
I'd show him how to do it properly....!"
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eastham
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Aug 29 @ 6:38PM
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The press conference was hilarious...from his "thank you to everyone for coming out" beginning to the "wide stance" defense ending. I've not seen comedy writing thi good since Seinfeld went off the air.
Of course, conservatives have readied the circular firing squad. One of the first to ask for Craig's resignation was John McCain. If you remember at the beginning of the summer one of McCain's southern state party chiefs was arrested for soliciting a copy for sex in a men's room.
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eastham
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Sep 5 @ 11:56AM
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It's been a dream, all a dream! The newswires are full of stories that Craig is reconsidering his resignation.
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koyaanisqatsi
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Sep 6 @ 12:52PM
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Actually, when Craig announced that he might try to keep his office, I nearly broke down and wept with joy. I can't think of anything I'd rather see than Larry Craig fight for his job. Ohhhh would that be a delight to see!!!
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eastham
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Oct 28 @ 1:53PM
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Yes, Larry Craig is the gift that keeps on giving. Not only is he going back to court (he lost the last time 'round trying to rescind his guilty plea) and declaring that top-tapping is protected speech, but he does this in the face of yet more revelations about his past. Happy Halloween from Wonkette.
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