I am a mess tonight. This is the first weekend without my girls. Here i am way out in the country miles from anyone, no one I can call and talk to, and I am all alone.
My ex just anounced he is going to church on Wensday nights. I always prayed he would change and we could go together. He also told me I need to move on because he has. He is happy with his life the way it is.
All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. I am a mother with my children gone and I am not a wife anymore. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on the ground.
I have a job I don't care for and a home that is so big and empty without the love a four person family brings.
All I want is to be loved and held and to have someone to spend my days with . It was so hard to watch the three people I love most in the world walk out the door and leave while I stay alone. I hate being alone. I was alone three years before we met and I never wanted to be alone again. I just want to fast forward years in the future and have somone to love me again and this pain to be gone. I have never had anything hurt this bad in my life. Even my mothers death didn't hurt this much.
I feel like half of me is gone forever. Pity party? You can call it anything you like.
I call it torture.
I hate dating. I dread all the types. The guy that wants sex on the first date knowing if you do he won't be back, the guy that seems so perfect but after a couple of hours turns out to be the worst date ever. The guy that so wants you to be the right one and even though he is nice and you like him you know he isn't the one.
He was my best friend, so not only did I lose my lover and father of my girls I lost my best friend. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be with anyone else.
I feel whole when we are together and like half of me is gone when we are apart. How do I move on? How do I ever let anyone else in. How do I love again?
How can I ever get over my girls pulling away ever other weekend? How do I stop loving him so that I can go on? Being alone when your in this much pain is so hard.
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| sorry but I need to vent. |
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NDN_Gentleman
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Aug 31 @ 10:22PM
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Talking about it should help some, You are not alone... at least not completely alone... Not making light of your feelings, but be glad its every other weekend... I only get to see mine every other weekend, she spends the rest of the time with her mother. Now that she's 12, she has "other" things to do and doesn't want to come over for the weekend.... That hurts, but it will pass....
This site gets a little crazy from time to time, but I've noticed that most tend to support each other in times like these...
It's not easy... I know... but it will get better... I'm sorry you are having to go through this.
NDN
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edthepoet
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Aug 31 @ 10:22PM
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First, here's a big comforting hug.
My personal rule about tough situation is this, All storms end, so picture what and how you want your life to be,once the storm has passed each day and soon enough the storm will end and your new life shall flourish.
Since I have nearly died 12 times and many other tough things to get over in my life.
This rule has always kept me from being bitter,hateful and most importantly from sharing my loving heart once again.
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Wolf36
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Aug 31 @ 10:29PM
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Chatty, all I can tell you is you need to get out. Not necessarily a date but start doing things with friends outside the house. The longer you sit by yourself brooding about this situation the harder it is going to be on you. I know it sounds over simplified but you're really only one good date from putting his memory behind you. Until you change your current routine, you'll continue to hurt and be bitter.
Dates shouldn't be filled with anxiety and pressure. Just find somebody to go out with and enjoy their company. I hope things to brghten up for you!!!
Wolf
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blkfoot1954
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Aug 31 @ 10:36PM
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You have your friends here to help you.I know it is hard,almost like the death of a spouse.It will take time to grieve for your loss,but you do need to get out of the house.The longer you sit in the house and think about all this,the longer it will take.
You will have days you are angry and bitter but life goes on.You CAN do this on your own,it will take time and will power to do this.I am not trying to sound harsh but you are capable of doing many things for YOU.Right now you are the most important person.Get involved in something you have always wanted to do and go do it.
I wish you all the luck in the world.Am here if you need to talk.
HUgssssssssssssssss Feetz 
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CopsOnlyGrl
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Aug 31 @ 10:56PM
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Awww, sweetie...hang in there. Things will feel better down the road, I promise. We have all been through the ache of lonelyness. Such a painful and desperete feeling. Makes me hurt for you when I remember how that feels. Getting over someone? Sometimes we can't get over them...but we can learn to get past them.
Work on doing things to make you feel like YOU rock. Set some goals, work on those dreams. Let the world revolve around you for a change. We have faith in you...and we're here for you.
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Injuneer
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Aug 31 @ 11:14PM
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For one, look on the web and see if you can find a chapter of Parents Without Partners within driving distance of your home. If you can, give some serious thought about joining. They have a lot of great programs that will help you through the grieving process and into the healing process. You'll have the opportunity to be with, talk with, and work with people going exactly what you are ... exactly!
The grief process of divorce is exactly like that of loosing a mate to death. Many say it's worse, and it may well be, but it's the process that you need to learn so you can learn how to cope.
It works, you just have to make that first step!
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Kat_luvr
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Aug 31 @ 11:27PM
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I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.
No wise words... they have been said already, just know you are not alone.
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KAOS2007
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Sep 1 @ 12:08AM
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suthunsweet
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Sep 1 @ 12:11AM
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Hey,
I was where you are three years ago and it was really hard. One night that sticks in my mind I was all alone and feeling as you are now and I felt panic and pain overwhelming me. My grown niece told me to get in the car, take the dog and get a hamburger and a movie. That is exactly what I did. I went and rented a stack of movies, went through the drive thru with my little dog, and came home and kept busy with that until I fell asleep.
You take each day at a time until one day it doesn't hurt quite so bad as it did at first. Don't even try to date right now because it won't really make you feel better and all you will do is compare the person to your ex. Wait until you have healed more.
Pray, that really helps. Find support groups nearby like someone else suggested. KEEP BUSY!
Don't sit in your house all alone and think about what you have lost. Go visit friends. Believe me, one day you will look back and see how this time was molding you and making you stronger through adversity. No one wants to do it, or likes going through it....but you make the choice...does it make you bitter or better in the end.
Keep going......you will survive.
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KnittinKitten
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Sep 1 @ 12:44AM
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Chatty:
Re-read Injuneer's post. I was so happy to see that he recommended PWP. I can tell you that it changed my whole life. I joined shortly after my divorce. I found so many new friends....men and women. My children found so many other children whose dads no longer lived in the house.
We had every kind of activity you could think of.. I cannot praise that organization more highly. I became Editor of the chapter Newsletter, then a Regional One, then traveled to regional areas and national conventions, giving newsletter workshops. Thus began my career in writing and in travel...Need I say more.
A whole new world will open up to you...friendships, fun, relaxation, quality time with your children....Try it. AND, if you have ANY questions at all....PLEASE contact me. I had 14 wonderful years with that organization and will NEVER , EVER forget it.
Fondly,
Knittin Kitten
Judy
And I'm sending you a kudo for strength!
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free2bm
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Sep 1 @ 8:27AM
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Chatty, first let me say I understand how you are feeling. My situation I was married for 14 years with 3 girls. We became divorced and then less than 2 years after our divorce he passed away suddenly. He was as well my best friend, my lover the father of my children and today we burry him. It was something very hard to get used to my children leaving with him everyother weekend and me being left home alone all weekend with no one in my life, no family, no friends and what I did was found something to keep me busy untill sunday nite untill they came home, it isint easy at first but it gets better, As for moving on you have to for your own sake, if he says he is happy then you have no choice you have to move on. Over time you will find things to keep you busy and even thought you dont believe this now you will see you will start to look forward to them going away with him on the weekends......find things to keep yourself busy..As for finding someone again, take the time for you first to heal, all divorces good or bad you need time to heal before you can move on...You ever need to talk you let me know, we can all use internet friends...
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sparechange64
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Sep 1 @ 10:31AM
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I know ... Time and focus on self are the answer
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chatty
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Sep 2 @ 12:01AM
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I did a search for Parents Without Partners in oklahoma and it said there are no chapters in oklahoma  . Maybe they have something here like it though I will just have to look and ask around.
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