Women and Football My Conspiracy Theory:) posted 9/10/2007 11:59:58 AM | 2 kudos what's this?     report abuse tagged: humor, football, women

Wolf36

As everyone knows, this was the first Sunday of my favorite sport to watch, NFL Football. Yes, I look forward to this day from the time the last seconds tick off the clock, from the previous Super Bowl. Heck, it's not just my favorite sport to watch, it's my favorite thing to watch period. No Bin Laden, no politics, just a bunch of 2 and 3 hundred pound gorillas beating the hell out of each other. What more could a guy ask for?

Now this Sunday I decided to go to my parents and watch the games from their house. This was a serious mistake, because I forgot there would be women at my folks place. You see men, women don't really like football, they only pretend to like it so they can pester the living bejesus out of us while we're trying to watch it. In my heart, I truly believe women get a source of pleasure from disrupting our Sunday pastime. If I was inclined to believe in conspiracies, I'd have to say this is a worldwide effort on the part of females everywhere, to strip away one of the greatest vestiges of pleasure we have as men.

Anyway, I found my favorite sitting position on the left side of the sofa, where I always sit. The opening kickoff was just about to happen, when one of my nieces noticed a smile on my face and decided to investigate my happiness. She began looking at me and then the screen. finally, she determined that I was indeed happy and this was far from from acceptable to her so she began the typical female football questions: Uncle Wolfie, how many innings do they play? Uncle Wolfie, what are the stripes out on the field for? Uncle Wolfie, if they kick the ball through the hoop, do they win? I'm like, "Jeepers Crawlin' Creepers" girl, haven't you got a parent you could be tormenting right now?

My lovely little niece leaves, (she really is a sweetheart) and in walks the second wave of the Sunday Football distraction team, my mother. Now the entertainment center where this TV is located was dusty, I'll grant you this but why must she pick the opening series of downs to begin dusting it? Finally, after my dad even started raising hell with her, she retreated back into the kitchen, where my older niece began the third assault on Sunday Gameday. She fires up the blender in the kitchen, supposedly making us guys a dip to go with our chips. We know better than this. She is deliberately drowning out all sounds of the game and scrambling the picture at the same time. She does finally finish with the dip and then our worst nightmare comes to bare. All the women in the house converge on the living room.

Not only do we now have all the typical female football questions but we also have woman chatter filling the room. Every single time a big play takes place they all want an explanation and we know down deep they could care less. It's all an effort to get our minds off the game and on them.

Well it's halftime and I'm thinking, "gee this would be a good time to get some of that dip." Unfortunately, the good ladies that took the time to scramble 5 minutes of our game, have now eaten all the dip they had made for us:) All I could do was head for the bathroom, which by the way was now occupied by you guessed it, another woman. You see, they have all this masterfully timed out and planned for the maximum psychological effect. Women actually know us men much better than we know them. Women are much more complex than men and believe me, they know precisely which buttons to push, in order to get the response they're looking for.

I return to my spot on the sofa, after removing one of my nieces from it. That's when I noticed another female on the TV screen. She was a very pretty lady and had cornered one of the teams coaches and was asking him a very deep and probing question. She asked, "coach what is your team going to have to do in the second half to win this game." He smiled at her with an exasperated look and said, "we're going to have to score more points than they do." For some reason seeing these model types, on the sidelines of a football field just seems wrong. Sometimes I think maybe there is a conspiracy and they have actually infiltrated the networks.:)

The game is seconds from ending and it's coming down to the wire. A field goal will decide the game. The tension is mounting and for the first time since the women joined us, they are actually quiet. Then I heard my mom say, "did I tell you I went to the fabric store yesterday?" She went on to say,"I also bought a new pattern for a very pretty dress would you like to see it?" That's right as the winning field goal was kicked, all 4 women had their backs to the screen and were heading for the sewing room. They didn't give a rats ass who won the game, NEVER DID but they did accomplish what they set out to do. They knew that as men, our minds would be focused and ready to give attention at game time and they wanted their share of it.:)

I hope you everyone realizes this was written tongue in cheek just for fun
Wolf

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Blogs by Wolf36: My "Born on Date" Has Expired My New Life as a Canine is Ruffff My First Dirty Diaper Change:-) Women and Football My Conspiracy Theory:) Image and First Impressions The Mouse From Hell Old School Memories and Emotions Little Terrorist at the China Buffet Out of Toilet Paper & Wolf's Luck Guys: Please Think Before You Write The Wolf’s Straight Bark on Internet Dating Hole "E" Underwear and Lessons Learned The Day I Stopped Being Cool