I sit here in the quiet of the night thinking that my life sucks big time. I have two of the most awesome children and yet all I can think about is how lonely I am for male companionship. today was a good day . I was going to see how much it cost to go to the haunted maze in our area and It was to expensive so I told the girls lets go and the owner heard me say I could not afford it , We had a blast. Next I took four dollars and fifty cents and took the girls to see rataitolli ( I know I spelled it wrong but oh well) at the dollar movies . It was such a cool movie. Then i took them to McDonalds and we had three kids meals. they played on the toys while I ate alone. I couldn't help but wish I had someone to talk to then but oh well. I have a feeling that when I am single again I will find love soon.
My youngest told me out of the blue one day while we were in the car headed back home so her daddy could pick her up for her visit, " when you are single for a few months you will meet a guy and he will love you mom and you will get married and daddy will be sad because you love him more than you did daddy. I said child you are silly she said no God told me that momma. My oldest told me a few days later on the way back from church, " momma you are gonna get married again and he is gonna love you more than daddy did and he will be nicer than daddy and he will be my new daddy. I will love him very much and daddy will be mad because you love him more and we like him more and he will be nice like daddy only he won't leave us . I was playing goofy woman and thinking to myself they are wishing this because they miss thier daddy and I said oh yeah what does he look like? My youngest said he has brown hair and it is short not like daddy's hair. he has lots of hair and he has brown eyes and he is bigger than daddy and he has very kind eyes. a few days later I said the same thing to my oldest when she said her you will find love speech and she said he will have brown hair and his eyes are pretty and he is fatter than daddy and he is almost as tall as daddy and he has a smile that is nice. I said cool and when will momma meet this guy? both girls not at the same time told me, when you are not married to daddy any more. My babies are something else.
I hope they are right. I hope it is not wish thinking. My grandma had dreams and she often said things would happen and they did. I wonder if my girls are chips of the grandma block?
I am not looking for love until I am free and independent. The main thing is to be sure that I and my girls come through this divorce together. They both say that they don't want to live with daddy and if the judge tries to make them they will run away from their dads and come home to momma. My poor babies have both had bad dreams and in them they get killed trying to run home to me. If he is crazy enough to try and take them he will find his babies will tell the judge what he has done and how they feel.
He is trying to make his woman ( the one he left me for) thier mom and they both say they don't like her one bit she is so fake and they dislike her to the max but they love daddy and so they pretend to like her. They both say that as soon as they can they will stop going to see him just so they don't have to see this woman again. My oldest makes fun of this woman when she gets home and my youngest says she wouldnt' go for visits if her dad didn't make her go because she wishes his woman and her four year old child would get lost. I try to tell them it is not nice to say this and that because daddy loves her they should at least try to be nice to her and they say we will be nice to her , we are nice to her, but we do not like her and we think she is yuck. Me me said she tries to act like a momma to her and it makes me me mad because she has a momma. Me me said that his woman scared her with her driving when she hit a curb andmy baby called out and said momma!!! then she said I was sorry to because I know daddy hates it when I mention you and then the B said it is ok you can call me momma. She is one stupid broad is she thinks my girls want to call her momma. Me me told a friend of hers that this woman thinks she is her momma and it makes her want to yell at her. " I have a mom and you aint my mom" but she wants daddy to be happy so she doesn't say it. I hate what he has done to his children but the more he is gone the more I see just how mean he was and how abusive he was and how much better it is to not be abused by him.
He is happy with this woman. when he compared me to her I came up lacking and he left me to go be with her and she loves him like I once did. If she thinks he was broke up before they got together she had better look and wake up quick. I need help only help God can give. Good luck to her. She will be one of four and so sad to bust her bubble but she will be one of five when he dumps her for the next one. She thinks he is it on a stick . The problem is that in a few years he will beat her with it. I wish she had never met him but then again if he had not met her would not have left us and then I would still be getting abused by him.
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| in the quiet of the night I can't help but think and wonder |
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