You don't have to die to lose your life posted 10/21/2007 10:09:26 AM | 2 kudos what's this?     report abuse tagged: fire, addiction, death, love, children

amillersdaughter

It is hard to even conceive long enough to type the words; but It has been a year ago today that I awoke in the wee hours of the morning to find a fire in my home.

This is something I wrote in those first raw days.

you dont have to die to lose your life[B]

It has been hard to think of much of anything these last few days. I have a different prospective on the term "living nightmare". I have relived that night on and endless horrid loop . The sights the sounds the smells the screams in the night with we realized that there were only 4 of us and not 5 outside the house. Running back in to an inferno and not being able to make it back the hall way. My son and I had argued and he had left earlier, the car he was driving was not in the driveway, I had not heard him come back in. I had looked for him a mere 30 minutes before I discovered the fire. I woke the other children got them out. Watched in horror as our home became an inferno. Both myself and Rob's best friend Nathan tried to go back in. I got lost inside and started inhaling smoke, Nathan found me and pushed me back out side and attempted to go in again. We pounded on his window but he never woke up. He simply inhaled the poison in the smoke and died. By the time the volunteer fire department arrived the house was gone. They tell me it was 8 minutes from the time I called 911 from my cell phone till the first hose rolled to the door. It seemed like an eternity.
May I live long enough to forget the sight of them pulling my baby from his bedroom window lying him on the ground and preforming CPR then wrapping him in a sheet. I remember my daughter screaming at the paramedic "No No that is my best friend can't you do something, anything" .....His only response was a detached "he's dead"...I said "but that's my son" and he looked me dead in the eyes and said "then your son is dead".......
The rest is a blur of someone wrapping us in blankets and trying to give us cocoa to an ambulance and oxygen, to the emergency room and the rest rolled on deliriously like a maniacal day dream.
My beautiful Samanthya , our 2 dogs, and 2 banana boxes of scarps of paper and damaged photos are all I have left. Both my children had friends over who survived and I am thankful. But my beloved Rob is gone forever.
I spent Halloween night crying in the rain at his grave. And smiling at the gifts that his friends had left, a pack of his favorite Camels, a lighter, and some blow pops. There were over 500 teenagers at his funeral and and nearly 150 stood in the rain for 130 mins at the funeral refusing to allow the grave diggers to fill the grave they did it all themselves one sorrow filled shovel at a time.
Every time I think of not having the sunshine he brought to my life my heart breaks into a million pieces. Anyone who ever met him will tell you he radiated a love of life and people. He was quick to laugh and love. He never made a call to me with out saying "I love you", never went to bed with out hugging and kissing me and his sister. He worked 3 shift for a while and would call my voice mail to tell me that he hoped I was sleeping well and that he was thinking about us.
His life was about loving his dog, his family, and his girl friend of 4 years . He loved to read, create, cook and of course play video games.
He battled addiction like so many gifted people. He had been in NA and clean and sober for nearly 2 months. He was planning on surprising his cousin and best friend by attending her soccer game that Saturday morning and going hunting with his grandpa Sat afternoon. We were going to enroll him in school Monday morning. Instead we were making funeral arrangements.
.
I am still wrapping my mind around the fact that after all this ...weeping and nightmares...I have to put a home together from scratch...I have to go from "just one day at a time to one breath at a time. I am homesick and I guess life sick...because I miss my home and my life and still can't imagine either with out my baby boy.

Robert Gregory Littlejohn 10-21-88 -10-21-91 died of smoke inhalation at 5:38 am. Cause of the fire is yet to be determined. Police have called since and said that they believe the fire may have started from a bottle rocket that landed on the roof but a year later no one knows.

Tears for Robear

Where you are must be heaven
Because you are there
Here is a better place
Because of your passing through
We are all better people
Because you loved us
Everything you said, did,
Memories of you in our lives
Each I love you, kiss and hug
Are priceless treasures
Our world has changed
Not for Better
Just for ever
We are left behind
Unsure how to live without you
Doubting if we have the strength
You would want us to take care of ourselves and each other
This gives us courage to reach out and love one another through this
But knowing you hate to see us cry
Doesn't stop the tears
We love you
Now, Then and Always

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