*I am putting a disclaimer on this blog. This is a far cry from my ordinary blog and it may not be a topic that many wish to read about or discuss. It is a blog about addictions and the effect they have on not only the addicts but the people that love them. If you are offended by such topic, please refrain from reading this. Thank you*
It is dark and rainy and oft times like this I find myself drifting in thoughts while trying to read.
Tonite, I watched some TV: CSI and Intervention. Both dealt with addictions in one form or another.. drugs, alchohol, etc. I understand the feelings of the people that are family or friends watching someone they love with their entire heart slowly commit suicide. I hesitated on writing this blog for some days now because of recent events close to home here in MD, but sometimes, I lose the battle of the fight and my feelings get the better of me and I write to get things out of my system or try to share through understanding of others.
There is someone I love, whom I have loved for each of his 39 years of life, but now when I look at him, all I feel is deep unquenchable sorrow. I see what he has become and it saddens me to the center of my soul. He was a happy child when he was a child, but perhaps because his childhood was short-lived and he was tossed unwittingly and unknowingly into adulthood at the age of 10, his sadness got the better of him. I am not making any sort of excuses for his addiction to alchohol, on the contrary, I understand fully he had a choice to follow that path or turn away from it. And I am not writing to accuse anyone of being a catalyst that led to his addiction, we all know, deep in our minds, that that is not the case, no one can force anyone to become an addict or a success. Our lives and how they turn out lie in no one else's hands but our very own. I am of the belief that most of us know when we do wrong and when we do right, it is our choice to choose whichever path we want to follow.
With that being said, I just want to share with those contemplating some form of addiction what that addiction does to those that love you. Now, you may be sitting back and saying.. "f*ck you..It's my life, and I will do whatever the hell I want ... and right now I wish you would get bent". Well, I choose not to, but it is your choice and right to continue or to simply click off this blog.
Addiction, whether it be smoking, drugs, alchohol, will surely lead to your death. But this death is a haughty and vengeful death. It does not come swiftly and it does not lay dormant until uncovered by some medical tests. It is there each and every day of your life. When you look in the mirror, with your eyes glazed, you cannot see the vampire looking back at you. I call it that because it is slowly sucking your life out of you, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. And it is never kind. It makes you sick and causes dry heaves and ddts, it leaves marks on your arms, it crushes your lungs slowly like tying a string around a baggie of air and slowly tightening it each day. You don't see it because you are in self denial, you care only about feeding that addiction. But the people that live with you on a daily basis or who love you stare into it's cold and distant eyes and cannot help but wait by the phone for a call to say you didn't make it this time. We try our best to speak to you about this monkey on your back, the one you sleep and wake with and feed constantly. We get only empty stares back and when you wish to listen no more, you bang the table or curse us to hell and storm out.
We watch you come back knowing that you have once again taken your best friend in your hand and played that game of russian roulette. We watch the sunshine of your being slowly being eaten by the darkness of the creature you allowed inside and ask why you love this temporary relief from whatever pain you are feeling, why you choose to hide from reality and prefer to border on the edge of insanity. We pray constantly that you will one day wake up and see the blackness of eyes, numb of all emotions and this will be the day that you have decided to take back control of your life and set in on the tracks of getting help and being sober.
Are you listening? Do you understand that your pain is also ours? We will not enable your addiction any longer.. we cannot stand by waiting for that call. Don't you understand that these words and pleas are not done to anger you or judge you in any way, shape or form, but because we love and want you well again?
Please wake up and start to take your life back before it is too late and we must be forced to stand at the edge of your last resting place with sadness that will always be a part of us!
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