My New Life as a Canine is Ruffff posted 11/14/2007 4:15:49 PM | 5 kudos what's this?     report abuse tagged: life, dogs, humor, fiction

Wolf36

As some of you may or may not have noticed, my primary picture is now that of a dog. This is an affliction that befell me 2 days ago and I can think of only one explanation. Several months ago, I crossed paths with a self proclaimed wizard. I took it upon myself to belittle and bedevil him until he actually threatened to turn me into a hairy beast.

I took these threats very lightly and responded with what I thought at the time, were some very humorous one liners and insults. Apparently, this man didn't have the same sense of jockularity as myself and "poof," here I am in this mess today. I never really took into account the words I was typing, might actually have dire consequences. At the time, all that was important was my ego and the need to gain a quick laugh at someone else's expense.

Being an animal with 4 legs really has presented me with some serious challenges, especially since I live by myself. Try opening a door with your teeth, typing on a computer with claws instead of fingers and opening a bottle of beer is damn near impossible. If it wasn't for my parents coming over to let me out twice a day, my house would really be a mess. No matter how hard I try, I simply can't find a comfortable position to use the toilet.

Just so you all know how complicated a dogs life can be, l'll let you all in on a slice of my life yesterday morning. I heard the rumblings at the front door. Yes, my mom hadn't forgot me and was letting me out to do my thing:))) With my eyes bugging out, I immediately shot out the door and into the front yard. It took only a moment for the first traumatic event to occur. As I sniffed the ground to find the perfect spot to drop morning anchor, I noticed a foul smell in the grass beside me. It was a another dog's Sh^t, another dog's sh^t in my yard.

Right away I knew who the culprit was, it was the Black Lab living next door. "Why that dirty bastard" I never liked that dog when I was a human and now this. There was only one way to avenge this disgraceful act and make things right. I would go over and return the favor in his yard. Yeah!!!! a great big steaming pile right next to the steps so his master will step in it on his way to work. Of course after I finished, I had to pee on the side of his house and scratch the ground violently several times. I wanted this little black devil to know it was my sh^t.

Now you might consider this alone to be quite enough for one day but it was hardly the beginning. Next, I noticed 3 doors down that the neighbors were letting their little Cocker Spaniel out for her morning business. "My god" look at the way she shakes that hairy ass and wiggles that sexy tail. It's almost like she's asking me for it. "Oh baby come to Papa."

Then out of nowhere comes another dog. I forgot about him, it's the neighborhood trouble maker. He tells me he's a Collie but really he looks more like a Boxer than anything. I think his mother gets around a lot, if you know what I mean. This guy is a real trouble maker in the neighborhood who; gets into trash, barks at night and in general is a horse's ass. Anyway, he starts smelling my new girl's butt and you know what, she let him!!!! Oh my god!!!! this will never do, if she's going to sniff butts with him, then she and I are through. No friend of mine is going to be friends with someone I don't like. I'll be damned if I share chew toys with her.

After my new girlfriend of 3 minutes had broke my heart, I saw the Mail lady down the street. I ran to meet her and at first she was afraid and pulled out what appeared to be a bottle of hairspray. When I sat down and smiled at her, she started petting me, oh this felt so good...ummmm. This is more sexual attention than I've received in the last 12 months. She seemed so friendly I just couldn't resist wrapping my paws around her and drawing her close. After rubbing on her for a couple seconds the thought occured to me. "What if I happened to change back right now?" I could very well spend the next 10 years in prison. With this new concern, I let her go and she gave me a farewell pat on the head.

Mom was now calling me, to come home. As I ran past my neighbors yard I noticed a newspaper lying on the front steps. I thought about swiping it but then I remembered what my dad did to me yesterday when I messed on the floor. No newspapers for this house, besides I'm a dog and most of the news is about politics. Since I can't vote now, the political news means very little to me. My biggest concern is whether someone will remember to feed and water me everyday. I'm hoping this spell wears off soon but until it does, I guess I'll just have to see life from a different perspective.
Take care everyone,
Wolf

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Blogs by Wolf36: My "Born on Date" Has Expired My New Life as a Canine is Ruffff My First Dirty Diaper Change:-) Women and Football My Conspiracy Theory:) Image and First Impressions The Mouse From Hell Old School Memories and Emotions Little Terrorist at the China Buffet Out of Toilet Paper & Wolf's Luck Guys: Please Think Before You Write The Wolf’s Straight Bark on Internet Dating Hole "E" Underwear and Lessons Learned The Day I Stopped Being Cool