Since the loss of my mother in 95 these past 12 years have been filled with so many losses that sometimes I wonder to my self how I keep going on...
When she passed my world stopped... gone was the woman who fought for me and defended me right form the start ..for five years after the loss om my mom I was LOST myself.. no self esteem no pride in anything I would do..except in the way I raised my children and how I kept my home..yes it was beautiful but still just a thing .. .I let others mentally put me in a place I thought I belonged... I had forgotten all my mother had taught me about being ME... then in 2000 I lost my house..I think sometimes me standing up for myself and my kids was one of the reasons it happened .. I no longer would be a victim .. I would not let someone who let drugs become their sole purpose for living, instead of me and the kids , continue to treat us like dirt ...and it cost me dearly .. everything I owned destroyed in a fire.... yet I had THE most precious things with me and safe.. my children... with the help of my family and friends I was able to regroup and start again... I thought how wonderful things were turning out ..I had my kids and a new place to live and after a while I had a new husband and life was good.. but sadly I had rushed headlong into trying to regain what I had lost before a true love..an equal..then I lost one of my best friends.. my cousin she succumbed to diabetes... she had given up and lost herself :( not too long after I realized that I was begin taken advantage of my my new found love .. and after many months of trying to keep the marriage together I finally realized enough was enough... it was hard ..admitting I had made a mistake but trying to live with someone who disrespects you is a bigger mistake... for a about a year things were fine then we got the news that my brother in law had cancer and it was terminal.. being there for him and my sister was one of the hardest things I have ever done.. watching the man I considered my father figure suffer and there being nothing I could do to stop his pain.. to this day brings me to tears..such a brave man not a complaint, nothing but him saying how sorry he was for being a bother to everyone.. he passed in 2006 and I lost my ROCK .. he was alway there for me just like I was one of his own kids ...I have tried to be there for whatever my sister needs she has been lost with out her soul mate.. they were married 43 years ... this Sept the day after the anniversary of my moms death my brother passed...a total and out of the blue shock... he passed doing what he loved racing ... he staged on the starting line at Irwindale he had a heart attack..his car continued down the track to the finish line then made a turn and crashed... going to the track the following weekend for the invocation in memory of him and seeing where his car rode the K RAILS to the end of the track was chilling... the memorial services for him was something I will never forget.. and then this last weekend racing in the Memorial Kind of the Hill race held in his honor was a closure for me finally.. I had closed my self off from the pain no crying nothing.. and this was not me .. I usually was the first to express my feelings and I had turned them off... this scared me to no end.. sleepless nights I was used to NOT feeling I was not... so many of my friends were there for me but nothing helped .. even seeing his kids and knowing how much they hurt .. i could only comfort them I felt no solace... but going and facing MY fear .. to race where he had raced to do something we had done together for years has finally helped me find my peace with losing him... ... and I know that he and the others I cherished in my life that I have lost are there for me guiding me if by nothing more than me remembering how they lived and trying to be like them...
my mom..she was awesome.. she loved to dance and she loved to show her love but was strong in defense of her family she was an accomplished seamstress artist cook you name it she could do it.. always learning and trying new things
my cousin..before she gave up she lived life with such exuberance such passion.. always happy .. and laughing oh how i miss her laugh
my bro in law... my father figure.. the man I hope my son turns out to be like.. a TRUE FATHER.. provider teacher a loving caring man who taught me so much in my life I could never begin to list it all
my bro.. the big brat .. he lived his life HIS WAY .. not conforming to others wants but how HE wanted to live it .. and with such passion for what he loved to do..racing to be able to have that much passion about something is amazing
from them i have learned to never be afraid to be yourself.. to try new things .. to learn from everyone and everything and to laugh and enjoy life... I know now that they are the reason I have been able to keep going.. to make them proud of me to show them yes I have learned what you taught me .. yes I have
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Blogs by beckyiv42000:
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babydoll1970
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Nov 15 @ 2:47PM
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Great blog Becky 
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twotall911
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Nov 15 @ 2:50PM
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hey always go forward never back i lost my mom in 2005 the best friend i ever had and the ONLY person that understood me she took all the shrapnel that i sent home and mailed it to the president and said look what you did to my son ive never stopped thinking or loving her..she was the best
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bamastyle
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Nov 15 @ 3:08PM
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Thanks for sharing from your heart 
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Lovinheart445
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Nov 15 @ 3:15PM
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Oh, Becky. What can I say? You're blog has raised many emotions in me. Sadness stands out formost. I am lost for words.
I knew before hand about your brother, as you had once shared a little about his life to me, but little did I know about his death, but with your blog, yes, I do remember now. I didn't know of your mothers passing. Maybe you didn't share with me that, I don't really know, as I do have short term memory from "the days".
All I can say is this: I feel deeply for you. I feel you're sadness in all this.
It just breaks my heart. It does, but then again, you are still a strong woman, and you will be able to carry on. I sensed that from the start, when I first met you. A very strong woman. I care, Becky, and I also symphonize with you.
carry on, Becky. You can do it my friend
Wes
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JimNastics
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Nov 15 @ 3:15PM
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my sincere condolances on your many losses.
This is great advice;
never be afraid to be yourself.. to try new things .. to learn from everyone and everything and to laugh and enjoy life ... 
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Loreli
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Nov 15 @ 3:15PM
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What a nice tribute....
And no matter what-YOU are a great person.
Hugs...
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SunBabe
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Nov 15 @ 3:16PM
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I've watched you go through a lot of these ordeals over the last few years, Becks, and it was obvious that your strength was from not only your own inate sense of survival and sense of enjoyment, but also a beautiful reflection of those special people who stood alongside you helping you become the wonderful caring woman you are.
"Strong" also means having the strength to recognize where some of your traits came from. They did a great job, Beckster, and their legacy lives on. Even more important, I know you've passed it all along to the next generation. That's "immortality" in my book.
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daisy315
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Nov 15 @ 3:23PM
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You are an amazing woman Becks.. and I am so proud to call you my friend.
I am so happy you got to race again, I am sure "the Brat " was right along side of you as you tore the track up...  
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patrickmaurice
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Nov 15 @ 3:25PM
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thanks for sharing that with us. a grown man ........... u made the tears roll down my face reading it.................how cruel life can be...........how sad sometimes...............I lost my mother too...............an d sur e sure my world changed that day .yet everybodies experience is unique..................all I know is that life is still sweet...............were still the lucky ones ....coz we are alive ..........................yet some people get more tha their share of tragedy..............seems u have...................well done for coming through so much..................hope u find the happiness u surely deserve..........
just some words from a poem about death..................
"she was my north my south my east my west..........
my working week .my sunday rest......................
my noon my midnight my talk my song.................
I thought that love would last forever I was wrong"
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iam7545
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Nov 15 @ 3:26PM
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becky - thanks for sharing this with us! You have been through so much - proof that people with a foundation of good character persevere!
All Blessings!
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redtigr
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Nov 15 @ 3:43PM
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You have focused on life rather than loss and I see it as one source of your strength.
You have been enriched by those you loved and you have persevered when life was tough.
You have so many admirable qualities...
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kiwilove007
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Nov 15 @ 3:50PM
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I lost my mother 4 years ago. It was a devastating loss, even though she was very old. It did happen unexpectedly, through a stroke. That was a funeral, in which 3 others preceded it, of a niece, old time friend of the family, a good friend of mine, then my mother, over a space of 10? years... Death and dying are simply things to get use to... unfortunately. I was present when a complete stranger died - a month ago. His partner was there, who grieved for him, she didn't get to say her goodbyes to him.
Anyway - you do have your memories of the loved ones who have passed away - and you will always have that, as part of your life experiences.
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sciurusniger
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Nov 15 @ 4:19PM
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Becky....
Kindred soul, you go on because that is what you are supposed to do. When your mission here is finished, you will know it. But until that time comes you do what you have done - you pick up the pieces, sift out the lessons and the love, and carry them forward with courage.
~*~
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journeyfan0000
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Nov 15 @ 4:53PM
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I gave you a kudo...and am sorry for all of your losses; will comment more later---love ya wonderful/strong friend.
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luvmycats
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Nov 15 @ 4:57PM
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katydid438
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Nov 15 @ 6:26PM
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Mysterious_URS
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Nov 15 @ 6:32PM
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...Becks, I always knew you to be an amazing woman.....
Sharing this blog, feeling your sadness, yet also the vibrance, just enforced that believe I have always had in you.
We don't exchange e-mails, and not a lot of comments, but I sincerly hope you know, that nevertheless you have an *older* friend right here.
Continue on the path you have taken, endulge in the memories of your loved ones, and keep on being YOU...!!
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unionman154
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Nov 15 @ 7:04PM
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I know now that they are the reason I have been able to keep going.. to make them proud of me to show them yes I have learned what you taught me .. yes I have
What a beautiful philosophy for continuing on in the face of such heartbreak and loss.
I am proud to call you a friend.
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PullMyFinger
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Nov 15 @ 7:10PM
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I admire the strength...your perseverance is commendable under such an onslaught of stress...
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buni
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Nov 15 @ 8:35PM
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I don't even know what to say to such a heartfelt blog like this....
I just know that I wanna give you some hugs.... 
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SpiritEnergy
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Nov 15 @ 8:54PM
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 Loves ya, Becky!
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Palomino
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Nov 15 @ 10:31PM
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Soul searching and reflection on one's life is necessary for the process of healing. It helps to rid yourself of unnecessary baggage and to move on. This is a great blog, Becks, and now you have inspired me to do some reflections of my own. I know this is not a "poor me" blog, for I have blogged similarly. It's to purge your emotions and to let others know what you are about. Such as:
my mom..she was awesome.. she loved to dance and she loved to show her love but was strong in defense of her family she was an accomplished seamstress artist cook you name it she could do it.. always learning and trying new things
Like your mom, you are a fantastic dancer, you are very strong in defense of your family and friends, an AWESOME seamstress and a great cook.
my cousin..before she gave up she lived life with such exuberance such passion.. always happy .. and laughing oh how i miss her laugh
She sounds like you...and you have a very infectious laugh. 
my bro in law... my father figure.. the man I hope my son turns out to be like.. a TRUE FATHER.. provider teacher a loving caring man who taught me so much in my life I could never begin to list it all
Obviously he taught you that there are good men in this world just as my father did. Even though you have had some bad experiences with men, you could never be one of those man haters because you know there are truly good men out there.
my bro.. the big brat .. he lived his life HIS WAY .. not conforming to others wants but how HE wanted to live it .. and with such passion for what he loved to do..racing to be able to have that much passion about something is amazing
You DO have that passion for life which has the effect of people flocking to you as they did with your brother. I'm so glad you got behind that wheel again on the track. You rock, Becks!
I would like to thank the people in your life that made you the wonderful person and friend that you are. Loss is inevitable, but you are a testimony that people continue to live on...through you.
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luvshorses644
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Nov 16 @ 6:11AM
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Becky... you are, as I said, a beautiful lady and one who deserves only good things starting from this moment.. that is my solemn wish for you...
Thank you for sharing this .. blessed be.
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Heaveninawildflower
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Nov 16 @ 8:21AM
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I'm sitting here crying...I know you already understand that it's through the pain we go through that we learn to really live our lives fully...and enjoy all the good there is too. You really ARE an awesome woman Becks, and I hope you can find someone who deserves and appreciates you, and SOON! You deserve the very best because that's what you are!
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fenderchick
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Nov 16 @ 8:26AM
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I am so sorry for your losses. The last paragraph of your blog is one of the best thing's I have read in a long while
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Blondino
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Nov 16 @ 9:00AM
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When she passed my world stopped... gone was the woman who fought for me and defended me right form the start ..for five years after the loss om my mom I was LOST myself.. no self esteem no pride in anything I would do..except in the way I raised my children and how I kept my home..yes it was beautiful but still just a thing .. .I let others mentally put me in a place I thought I belonged... I had forgotten all my mother had taught me about being ME... then in 2000 I lost my house..I think sometimes me standing up for myself and my kids was one of the reasons it happened .. I no longer would be a victim .
THESE WORDS MOVED ME TO TEARS . 
wow Becky more than one string to your bow girl a sensitive piece of writing indeed
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carpediem48
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Nov 16 @ 10:28AM
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I wish I'd seen this blog earlier.
Well...I didn't quite cry but theres this funny feeling I have behind my eyes now like I need to.
If you're calling your brother a 'brat'...I'm wondering if he was younger than you
Every day I worry about my 85 yr old mother.I have to block off my feelings to cope I guess 
Becky...what can I say...I'm overwhelmed by your post and the intensity of it
Sorry...all I can do right now is this>>>>>>>>
All I can say is....'I hear you.'...you are transmitting a clear signal and I'm trying to find words to describe what I perceive to be your 'gutsiness' combined with 'sensitivity'....I give up..  ..here take some more hugs
I sure wish I could wave a magic wand and just take away all our pain...the whole world's pain for......24 hours
What a  party that would be ,,,eh?????
Here's some more hugs Becky
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Classy_Blonde
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Nov 16 @ 6:36PM
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I know this will sound off the wall, but I feel kind of like gloating right now, because I am one of the fortunate ones to know you personally. You SHINE, girlfriend!
Okay...so I guess I shouldn't be so greedy, and keep you all to myself. Your brightness illuminates enough radiance to encompass multitudes. I have seen that smile, and it is contagious.
Those ruts in the road, the life lessons, and the pain and suffering you endured because of so many passing, are what have molded you into the miraculous woman you are today.
I think putting your thoughts into writing is therapeutic. It helps to put things into perspective. I thank you for sharing.
Now...darn it...go out and meet yourself a good loving man!
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BandTMom
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Nov 16 @ 7:46PM
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misschoos
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Nov 17 @ 1:53PM
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Juday470
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Nov 17 @ 3:03PM
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Classy_Blonde
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Nov 17 @ 5:22PM
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I borrowed this graphic from a special friend's website.
Hugs, bestest friend!!!
(Yeah...I know. We are both baldheaded and flat chested. LOL!)
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carpediem48
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Nov 17 @ 9:35PM
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I'm thinking more and more about going 'Gold' so I can post hugs like that^^^^^^^^
Til then these will have to do Becky.....in case the other ones I gave have worn off....here's some more
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carpediem48
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Nov 17 @ 9:35PM
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I'm thinking more and more about going 'Gold' so I can post hugs like that^^^^^^^^
Til then these will have to do Becky.....in case the other ones I gave have worn off....here's some more
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sweet5red
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Nov 18 @ 5:00AM
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and you have a very infectious laugh
yes she does and sometimes i call her just to hear it.... isnt my sissy awesome..... i love her... Sweet N Louisiana
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kattsmeow
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Nov 25 @ 1:20PM
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I love you Sis. How I remember going through most of this with you.
Knowing you were always there for me too.
You have a very big heart, and a wonderful hug too.
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pamdemonium
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Apr 3 @ 11:35AM
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Aw, Becky....  I think we've had a pretty similar last few years. Well written. It touched me deep down, and I understand. I really do.
Thank you for sharing.
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