It has only been days now since my Dad died. My birthday came a few days later and now Thanksgiving has come and gone. I chose not to be with family this year. It was not because I was depressed but because I wanted the solitude for a while. It is a grievious thing to be unable to feel grief. Did that make sense at all? I lost my best friend last year who died fron cancer. He was in his mid fifties like I am. He was a great guy and an fantastic best friend. It was a terrible grief to lose Wayne to cancer.
My dad, on the other hand was a man I barely knew. I guess my greatest grief about him is that very fact. Though a great man in his own way, his family did not know him as well as others he worked with or hung out with, quite possibly did. Dad was not really a communicator of his thoughts or emotions. I suppose comparing him to an onion, he never allowed me past the first dry brown layer. Dad was my hero growing up. By my teen aged years he was more an adversary and it was difficult to be around him very much.
I was always told that when I got old I would come to see how much my parents loved me by the rules they had set and the attitudes they had displayed towards us kids. Being the oldest of five, I suppose I got the brunt of disciplinary action although my brother got more whippin's! He tended to weigh the temporal reward of disobedience against the temporal pain of a whippin' and since his threshold of pain was pretty high, he usually chose to have some fun.
Well I suppose I am old enough by now to say that most of the whippin's we kids got were not very fair and served little good for us. Too many whippin's for unfair reasons only makes a kid more rebellious. I don't disagree with corporal punishment for kids, but I think a parent should not spank their kid in a state of rage or even high anger.
When My Grandma died in 1999 I went out to Colorado and took care of Dad for a while. On September 13 of that year his divorce became final. (Mom had gotten fed up with his drinking binges) On the same day, his mom died. I was worried about him so I went out and stayed with him for 9 weeks. It was the first time since I had been a kid that I felt like I could talk with him. We shared some personal things at differing levels but it was a good time for us.
So now he is gone, but I said to him all that I needed to say. I think he pretty much felt the same way. I am glad he is no longer suffering the agony of living in a nursing home. I think he felt like an eagle in a canary cage. I am proud of my brother who took him fishing in his wheelchair last summer although the story of geeting him back up the steep, rocky embankment was just as sad as it was funny to hear about.
I just felt like writing my thoughts down tonight and although my thoughts are personal and perhaps more intimate than I should share, I will leave you with one word of advice. Those of you who are reading this should take some time and get things straight with your family members. Do not be at odds with your Mom or Dad, because you do not know the time or day they will leave this world. Be at peace with your kids, because although it may be improbable it is always possible that they may leave you before you do them. My Dad was 76 when he passed away but my Grandmother (on my Mom's side) is 20 years older than he was. Though bed ridden she still can communicate with us and may just outlive me.
That is enough about that... steve
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Blogs by wordsenchanting:
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luvshorses644
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Nov 24 @ 12:10AM
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Good advice .. I had issues with both my parents because of reasons I don't want to get into in your blog, but it really is best to forgive and then FORGET .. in my train of thought, for some reason, they were assigned as my parents.. best to make amends and correct any errors.
Glad you took some time for your own solice. Once again, I am sorry for your loss ...
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georgiapeach42
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Nov 24 @ 12:16AM
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I am sorry for your lose, both my parents died of cancer. My mom 30 years ago and my dad 10 years ago. I have lost a lot of people in my life. All of my grandparents are gone. My grandpa Sam I loved the most. The pain and grief will never go away, though it may lessen over time. Mine did. I just wish my mom could have seen my children or still be able to go over to grandpa's for RC cola and Moonpies.
It is ok to take some time for you to grieve, reflect on your life with your dad. I wish you well.
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daisy315
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Nov 24 @ 12:17AM
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Forgiveness.. thats a tough thing to achieve.. but I think the older we get, the easier it becomes. I don't hold grudges.. waste of precious energy..
I am sorry for your loss... I also am going through my own grief right now..sometimes solitude is the best thing we can do for ourselves..
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Vanillagurl_1973
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Nov 24 @ 12:19AM
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I am sorry for your loss.I lost my dad last year before christmas...and know how hard it can be..... 
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katydid438
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Nov 24 @ 12:21AM
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Unfortunately with parents some things can not be forgotten let alone forgiven. I'm truly happy that you had the time to get to know your Father and relate as grown men.
Corporal punishment was the big thing when we were young. Just the way it was. Too bad so many parents took pleasure in it 
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TallBlonde1
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Nov 24 @ 12:29AM
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I'm sorry.  
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burnslikethesun
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Nov 24 @ 12:29AM
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this is my first year with the holiday blues. Funny even in the most tormented times of life i enjoyed the holidays. this years differen for some reason
i mind being alone
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SunBabe
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Nov 24 @ 12:32AM
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I think I made about 20 starts in response to your last blog...but nothing was quite "right" and I chose to take a wait-and-see-til-your-next-blog stance. Having lost my own father just a few months ago (albiet at the ripe old age of 92, yet a dozen years past his "time"), I'm definitely aware of the mixed feelings and gamut of emotions that wax and wane as you silently, privately do the inevitable "life review"...
I think he felt like an eagle in a canary cage
...probably the most intimate revelation of the whole "process" you've just been through. Even though you didn't "know" your dad as well as you'd have liked to, I think you probably know him a lot better now...and sometimes that can even be tougher to deal with because now you know the man you'd have liked to have known all along -- and now you know who it is that you actually miss ~sigh~
But it's cool that you got to spend those 9 weeks with him and to share things like the bitter-sweet laughter and tears of his fishing adventure. Those are the things that help put the rest of your lives back into perspective...and ya know what? -- unfair whippin's and bangin' heads aside, from what I've see through your writings, Steve, Dad did one hell of a great job. 
Kudos to both him and you. 
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Mellajenn
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Nov 24 @ 12:44AM
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"It is a grievious thing to be unable to feel grief....."
.........Actually I can relate to that..I remember when my daughter first passed, I felt the same thing, in the early stages..there are 5 stages of grief (don't ask me the specifics), that is what I was told. I certainly went through some very deep emotions and some I couldn' t feel at first. I think it is a way the body handles the loss. I believe it would be too overwhelming all at once, that is why you have to go through the motions. Time is a whole different thing (if that makes sense) and things seem surreal at first.
I am sorry for you loss and I wish you all the best with dealing with the grieving process., it can get pretty dark if you let it....but , hopefully yours will be easier, we all expect our parents and some friends to go before us , but always a child.
I have not lost my parents yet, so I don't know what that is like. But don't be surprised if you start seeing life a little differently now.
May you find some faith along the way................
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Mellajenn
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Nov 24 @ 12:51AM
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ALso, I was fortunate enough to have a very beautiful relationship with my daughter and I can't agree with you more about making amends with family members..my loss helped me to see that as well and I also encourage that for everyone as well..but , that is a choice and everyone has their own reasons, some go alot deeper then others.
~Ok..enough of that 
Blessings...Lisa
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newpatches
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Nov 24 @ 12:55AM
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I lost my dad nearly 40 years ago...he died suddenly and unexpectedly. Our last time together was stormy with some minor squabbling. His death left me a basket case as I would never be able to undo our last moments together. It made me realize how quickly we can lose someone and I now do my best never to leave GOOD words unspoken. My mother just turned 96 and I make sure she knows how much I love her. I lost my husband 5 years ago, suddenly and abruptly and I'll always be grateful for having learned this lesson because our last moments together was very precious indeed.
Holidays are hard and even with 5 years behind me, they still are. I've learned to acknowledge that the ache is there but I don't let it rob me of the joy either because I know that my dad nor my late husband wouldn't want that for me.
I'm glad you had the time you did with your dad....it's a precious gift to hold close to your heart forever.
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wordsenchanting
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Nov 24 @ 1:01AM
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luvshorses... as always you are the best
Thanks georgia peach and have an RC on me
You are in my prayers... daisy
I am sorry vanilla
katydid... Is that why they sharpened the edges of the belt???
Cute mask, tall blonde
Sorry burns maybe someone will come along
Sun Babe... you honor me... thanks for your kindness
MellaJenn... If you find the 5 stages, please send them along. I would like to read them Thanks also for your comments
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wordsenchanting
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Nov 24 @ 1:06AM
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Thanks, newpatches... I am sorry to hear your story about your dad but hopefully someone here can learn from it. steve
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sphynxsmile
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Nov 24 @ 1:25AM
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It never rains but it pours, so sorry about this bad patch and really good you did make peace with your dad. My mum, who's 88, and quite amazing for her age, unfortunately never forgave her parents, for what, to me, appears to be the only way they knew how to raise kids at the time! She had many blessings and I think she was lucky to have them as they taught her much, but......
So early on, I decided I was not lingering with the past, but always see what I can do about it right now.
A friend is so so so precious, and real ones are irreplacable gifts. I lost every best friend I had to sickness (cancers). Marie, I'm sure came from another planet! She was a true angel and more than a sister ever could be, though I do have a sister, who is also sick with cancer! People just turned up to Marie's funeral from all over the place and I know all missed her dearly. I imagine heaven to be a place I'll see them all again!
My heart is with you, and thanks for sharing.
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Journeyhawk
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Nov 24 @ 1:48AM
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This is hard to try and say it in the context in which I want to say it but I will try. There are a lot of parallels between your situation and mine. Yes, forgiveness was the hardest part, but I forgave to the best of my ability and told God to take the rest because I did not know how to do it. My dad died in 1999 also, after a long battle with cancer. Yes, I got many beatings with the leather belt, etc. When we were little, we were to be seen and not heard. For most of my young life, I never even got a chance to know who I was as a person. I was too busy trying to conform and "Walk The Line" ( - and NOT Johnny Cash's either).
The training I had in the Medical field helped me to be the best possible nurse and advocate for my dad. The hardest part was separating the 'nurse' and 'daughter' bit. Dad was gracious and gave me an extra day or two to adjust before he went home. My one brother, sister-in-law, and I took care of dad so he could die at home. He had a peaceful passing. I have a strong faith in God. That is what got me through the hard road. I was able to see God's hand in nearly every situation that had presented itself. It was like observing a 3-D movie, but it was in "Real time." The healing process for us started even before dad drew his last breath. We talked openly about the arrangements that he desired when he went over to the other side. I worked with him on his obituary. That was really hard, but dad knew what his obit said - everything except for the date. He was o.k. with that. I think it was harder on me, personally. When dad died, he wanted to be buried as a Jew because he loved the Lord. We washed up his body, put on his shroud, put his remains in a Jewish wooden casket and then took him to the funeral home ourselves. We put special significant things in his casket with him. Before we took him to the funeral home, we took him for a spin around the church. Afterwards, we came back to the house and had communion and then went out for a celebration homecoming supper for him. It really helped tremendously with the start of the healing process for us. I can only speak for myself, though.
As far as the five stages of grief, you may go through all five, or may only go through some - but not all of the steps. It all depends upon the person. The biggest thing to remember is that he is at peace and he would want you to be happy and at peace, knowing that he is at peace. Solitude and just being in nature and being able to enjoy the soft wind whispering in your ear and feeling the warmth of the sun against your cheeks should help tremendously in the healing process. The most important thing is time.
I probably have said too much, also, but if something I said can help you or anyone else with their grieving process then it was worth it. God Bless!
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perhapsluv
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Nov 24 @ 1:59AM
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Ah yes, the age of parental beatings, cruelty with a dash of unspoken love just for good measure - left us all very confused as to who and what we were, should be, are...it is always hard to lose our parents no matter their age or our relationship to them unless they were totally out of the picture. Have been down your road and wish you many joyous days as you come to understand where you were and where you are now. All my best to each and every one of you who have written here, its hard, but the testimonials prove we do make it through these black days and nights and come out the other side - often times better for our experiences- at least a bit more compassionate and good grief, does this world need more compassionate people. Thanks all !
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oceanlover734
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Nov 24 @ 3:37AM
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First I am very sorry for your loss........but I thank you. I thank you for talking about it here because look at the comments! Your opening up with your pain allows others to do the same which is like therapy. I must say you've given me thoughts I need to think about in my own family.
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lilofval
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Nov 24 @ 3:28PM
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I hope the mods will not delete this as it is emails but it is posted with the consent of both of us so hopefully not and perhaps it will bring some additional comments ....
Thanks. Lil for your letter. I would say you probably have a more accurate view than most although I do not feel my grief process has really kicked in yet. My job has probably prevented that. I have not the time just now to respond properly to your letter but I will think it over some more and write back later. I wish you would go ahead and write the comments to the blog. You may include this letter as well if you wish steve
****** ORIGINAL MESSAGE ******
Hi Steve,
I thought about commenting on your blog but then thought an email might be better. I took your blog in a different way than most of the others did but perhaps I misunderstood it. I thought what you were talking about is your LACK of deep grief over your father's passing and wondering why ? If that is right then I understand exactly what you are talking about and if you would like to talk about it some more feel free to email me. If that is incorrect I apologize for the misunderstanding and in either case I AM sorry for your loss. The link I am pasting in here might help you with the five stages of grief that Mellajenn was talking about.
http://www.businessballs.com/elisabeth_kubler_ross_five_stages_of_grief.htm
I hope your day is a peaceful one .....
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wordsenchanting
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Nov 24 @ 11:03PM
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Thanks for your input, sphynxsmile you have some good input and wise observations
Thanks again journeyhawk. We do share some things in common, a common faith being the greatest of them. I like your down to earth yet spiritual insight
perhapsluv, you make a good point but I am not so sure I am glad to hear I was not alone in getting a thrashing once in a while
great pofile oceanlover, but if this is therapy I may have to send you all a bill!!! (lol)
You have made good observations, lil and I have been mulling these things over all day. I will address them in my next blog in a few minutes. Thanks for your input.
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