LAFP - The Wrap up. . . . posted 12/2/2007 12:02:49 AM | 4 kudos what's this?     report abuse tagged: honest, original, blog

FrumiousBandersnatch

"We must be care-ful who come to care for." I would also add . ..”and how we come to care for them.”

This incident taught me a great deal about myself . . .bringing new realizations and restoring ideas I had either forgotten or figured I had outgrown. The first re-realization was that of my own vulnerability. I learned that life's “wisdom” that I have gathered brought with it a camouflaged arrogance. Until I saw this woman for the first time I steadfastly maintained that “Love at First Sight” is only for the young. I would have explained that life’s experiences . . . and perhaps the scars of sadness . . .insulate us as we age, and make us invulnerable to a coup de heart. How wrong I was. I now know, even more so recently . . .that the heart will want what the heart wants. Only the foolish, the indifferent and the arrogant will deafen themselves to the voice of their heart. Since I aspire to be none of these, I now listen.

I know now that I have not outgrown the effects, both positive and negative, of euphoria, presumption, supposition and desperation. I have found that recognizing these additional vulnerabilities has reduced their influence . . .but has not eliminated them entirely. I now own them as the character flaws that they are.

I am also now much more considerate, careful and circumspect with any female contact where attraction may be at work. I am still committed to being honest with my feelings and thoughts, for I cannot see any other honorable path for me. The difference now is that I have learned. . .perhaps only for the sake of balance . . .that some feelings and thoughts need to be held back for broadcast at a later time. I continue convey the full extent of my affection, appreciation . . .and my love for my family and a few close platonic female friends. I have not done so with any woman/potential partner since this incident . . .in spite of the very real presence of these feelings on at least one connection in the recent past. Guarded but balanced . . .

This does not mean that I have forbidden myself the “considering of the possibilities” . . .but, in contemporary terms . ..I have “grown a spine.” This incident has given me a new appreciation for a more slow and deliberate approach to a potential partnership. I am now frequently and accurately accused of “taking the long way around the barn.” I do this in order to reduce the possibility that I might again some day take up an “I’ll be over in ten minutes” offer at the expense of a opportunity to once again . . .and at last, be with the woman in whose arms I was meant to spend the rest of my days. I have learned to patiently seek out that unique vibration . . .and appreciate that special resonance.

I have a new approach to online contacts . . .a gumbo mix of being more careful, perhaps less cynical, strictly flirt-o-phobic and resolute in holding to “never trifle with another’s affections.” Online introductions remain a two edged sword . . .one where our imaginations tend to fill in the gaps until an "in person" meeting can occur. Our imaginations make the meeting a crap shoot . . .and the online momentum can deliver either a disappointing crash or a dizzying bounce to the real world contact. I continue to look forward to the possibility of the bounce rather than the probability of the crash.

In the here and now I still think of the "Hideous One" frequently. I did contact her by email a couple of times in the months following the incident, and in the last response she told me she was seeing someone . . .I wished her well, and still do.

This story has been more difficult to extrude than I had thought it would be at the start. While writing it I found myself transported back to those months . . .particularly when visiting the places we had been together. Even Costco had its ghosts.

Some of what transpired back three years ago has been replayed . . .there was another woman with which I felt that same immediate . . .but now increasingly less familiar . . .attraction, vibration and resonance. True to form, I recall my first words to her, “You look much taller than in your pictures.” The adoption of a more careful circumspect honesty and attempts at balance did not prove any more successful than my LAFP’s headlong euphoria and rapturous desperation. Perhaps next time . . .


Note: The LAFP story is creative non-fiction. All of the incidents described are based partially or entirely on events in the fall of 2004 . . .at least as I remember them. For the sake of the story I have “embellished” both descriptions and dialogs. Out of respect I have intentionally left out some details about the “Hideous One.” I do not believe that she has ever been a member of this site. I don't believe she would take kindly to being identified as a character in my story. I hope that any one reading this would extend her this same respect.

With this effort finally in my wake . . .I promise to focus on more uplifting and obtusely ironic subject matter from here on out. You have my sincere thanks for patiently going through this process with me. YMMV . .always consider the source. FB

The LAFP Story . . .no chapterization

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Blogs by FrumiousBandersnatch: Exploiting my best friend "Cave Dog" . . . Orgasmoleptic Spirituality and the Suburban Non-aligned. LAFP - The Wrap up. . . . LAFP (Love at First Ping) . . .almost finished The "Love at First Ping" Incident . . .a delayed return The ongoing "Love at First Ping" saga . . .chaper 3 The ongoing "Love at First Ping" saga . . . The "Love at First Ping" Incident . . . Is finding "true love" more difficult in the AARP years? Carbuncularity . . .a pernicious MD affliction? Response to z_bach's "Advice to Women" blog The Vicarious Forum Experience . . . "Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun the Frumious Bandersnatch" Battling the Forces of Blog-stipation