My mom turned 55 this year, and she has never driven a car in her entire life...
...And now I envy her.
What stems from a very basic terror of steering half a ton of metal covered in paint and cowhide through streets infested with drunken drivers, teens with cellphones and trucks that could roll over you without spilling the driver's coffee, my mother has opted to survive anxiety merely as a passenger for the duration of her time on Earth. I grew up thinking, 'How could ANYONE not want to drive?!?! Enjoy the freedom of the road?!?! Never leave their vehicle while dining on a variety of culinary delights DESIGNED to be eaten behind the steering wheel at 97 miles per hour?!?!!"
Until today...
I got it, today...
After the third hour stuck in traffic...a traffic that didn't move even a car's length in 180 stab-me-in-the-eye-with-whatever-you've-got minutes.. I sat there behind the wheel of my Durango wondering, 'Is this what hell will be like?'
My mission was simple...take my son to preschool. It's a mission I rarely have, since he lives most school nights with his mother, but he stayed with me last night. Preschool was 56 short miles away, and at 106 miles per hour, I could be there before most people could brew their coffee..! I left at 6:30am.... who the hell else has to be up at this ungodly hour?!?! Turns out, the entire audition crowd of every American Idol season ever filmed hopped into the crappiest 650,000 Ford Pintos they could get down off the blocks in their yards and hit the highway at once....right in front of me.
The best part is coming....wait for it..
Two of these mental magicians decided to attempt to occupy the same physical space at the same exact moment in time. Now...those of you familiar with popular science fiction know that this is IMPOSSIBLE!! They should have been vaporized in a matter/anti-matter explosion that might have sent the planet tumbling into the deepest reaches of space or southern New Jersey... but NO. What happened was a pile-up. Pintos and Happy Meal boxes as far as the eye could see. However....my eyes could only see 300 feet in front of me for three hours while NOTHING moved and these genetic miracles were shoveled off the highway. My three year-old son observes, "Why can't these people drive?"
He then rolls down his window and shouts, "Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy crap!!!" for half an hour.
My sentiments, exactly.
My mom made it to work in a blizzard this morning just outside of Detroit, Michigan, in approximately ten minutes.
She walked...
Love you, mom...
Always,
Kyle~
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