I know this isn't the best time of day to write this kind of blog, because it is the kind of blog I'd really like all of the people who have been reading my blogs to see.
Over the past (nearly) 2 years I've been here, I've been writing blogs regularly for a little over a year. A few of those blogs detail my deep, pure hatred of my physical appearance that is disturbing for a lot of people, because they can't see what I'm so upset about. I've even gotten emails from people who say "Stop seeking attention. You're not ugly, and if you think you're fat do something about it, don't just sit on your ass." (Which, you can tell, after what is basically a 50 pound loss...I'm not doing)
Don't think this is something that I'm doing on MD exclusively; I do this at home to my sister, my parents, and Rolf...and I do it to my friends. In fact, I do it on a daily basis; I can't help it. Literally, I can't stop myself from exhibiting this behaviour.
Yes, I seek reassurance, but I don't do it "for attention", and to be honest, it doesn't help. You would think it would, right, all these people telling you you're gorgeous? But no, it doesn't do a thing, and oftentimes I'm stuck thinking that everyone who has said this to me has said it because a) they have an ulterior motive or b) they are just being nice because I was upset about it and asked. Yes, I do certain things "for attention" (but don't we all), but this is a behaviour I cannot stop myself from committing.
Apparently, after losing 49 lbs and being 1 pound above the weight listed in my profile, my body is now "acceptable" to society, and I'm not fat or "big" anymore. People treat me like "one of them" now, and I'm always told how great I look, by friends, family, people at WeightWatchers, etc...but I don't see a change. I don't feel one, either. When I touch my own body (and I'm always touching and grabbing at it) I feel the same amount of fat that was there before I lost the weight.
For years, they've told me I had "Social Anxiety Disorder" because I couldn't leave my house. The truth is, the "Social Anxiety Disorder" set in when a group of kids from school surrounded my friends and I when we were in our bathing suits playing ball at the beach, and told me how disgustingly fat I was, among other things.
And you'd think, that with all this weight I've lost, the "Social Anxiety" would have faded...but it hasn't. In fact, I hate going to the mall with my friend Kelly because she's lost 20 more lbs than me and I am always comparing my body to her, and I'm worried that other people are, too. I'm like "Oh no, what if people are like 'what is that tall hot chick doing hanging out with that short fat bitch?' "
What I need you guys to understand is that when I post blogs like that, I'm not doing it because I want you to tell me how pretty I am...because like I said, when you tell me that, it doesn't change my opinion. Until I find the appropriate help, I will always see myself as uglier than everyone on this website. I post the blogs because I can't help it.
Body Dysmorphic Disorder is frighteningly real - as are the number of its sufferers. It is an actual disorder listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Volume IV. Of course, I know there are certain uneducated and ignorant individuals that will choose to believe it's all made up and I really DO want everybody's compliments. To them I say: I'm sorry you live in your little hole, but there are things that are really quite real for some people, and they really are suffering...
Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)
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read more blogs!
Blogs by LipGlossQueen9:
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| Body Dysmorphic Disorder - Why We're Not "Just Seeking Attention" |
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buckeye1963
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Jan 9 @ 11:41AM
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I know exactly how you feel. I don't deal with the same issues but people can be so cruel sometimes. I know I have commented on a blog or two of yours in the past, but I was not trying to argue or offend you. If I came across that way, I sincerely apologize.
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misschoos
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Jan 9 @ 11:42AM
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Kudo gf 
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missmissy18
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Jan 9 @ 11:51AM
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ok so i am a full believer in Body Dysmorphic Disorder...but i must say my sister is a therapist here in St. Louis and after reading this i called her to ask her some questions about it....based on what i told her and what she knows about the disorder she doesn't think you have it....the thing that she said doesn't really follow that disorder is people are usually so ashamed of how they look they completely hide themselves in anyway possible so that no one can see what they believe is ugly....in other words most people with the disorder where clothing that doesn't allow much of their body to be seen....and when i told my sister about the pictures on your page.....she almost completely pulled away from BDD....she does think you have a very low selfesteem caused by something else....she thought that maybe you got picked on a lot when you were a lot younger by people you looked up too or perhaps even your own family....but she doesnt know for sure because she has never met you....she is just going off of the blogs i have read to her and what i told her about your profile.......i know nothing about you and neither does my sister but i do hope that whatever is causing you to feel this way is resolved...or at least you get some help to push past it.
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HollyDaze
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Jan 9 @ 11:55AM
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We, ourselves are our own worst critics. The twisted thing is is most of us were told not to listen to others... to be happy with ourselves and to please ourselves... but when our minds turn against us... how are we to ever be happy in our own skin? I'm sorry you've got such an illness to live with... know that you are not alone, all of us have our baggage to carry, some of us just live with it holed up inside our minds instead of letting it out like you do. Support is here.
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QtrAcreGalSeeking
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Jan 9 @ 11:57AM
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Have it, hate myself FOR IT, and am EVEN CONSIDERING LEAVING this site and socially dropping out BECAUSE OF IT.
At least you have courage to make it known; thanks for the epitaph, for those of us who are thought of us Freaks, in having it.
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edthepoet
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Jan 9 @ 12:04PM
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Now, you know I been a pain in the ass to you a times before you lost the weight and after,lol
You must understand something, what happen to you as a teen was imprinted into your mindset, which can't ever be removed. Now, there is good news about bad things being imprinted within your being.
Picture your mind as a very large file cabinet, right now this imprint file is near the front of the millions of files you have. What is needs to be done is for you to work on how to place this and other neg file towards the very back, so that only in rare moments do these file pop-up again.
Just hearing compliments doesn't work, they help in a small way, but you and whomever help you seek out, if you choose to go that route. What is happening here is the Core of you, meaning the Self-confidence part of you is way out of whack, for the reason I spoke and what your feeling each day.
If you plan to do this alone, then you need to take each beautiful thing you hear from others and truly ask yourself as you are today, if what they are saying is true.
If so, absorb it really slow and move on.
You must be really fair to yourself, when making these judgments.
I know this work for a reason, I have helped women who been battered and raped to having normal lives and relationships once again.
It will not happen overnight, the absorption process will take time because the imprinting of these many terrible things and word that destroy the beautiful you.
I wish you the best in this journey of redefining yourself, because we may disagree on things, but one thing is for sure, you are worthy and equal to anyone else.
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JimNastics
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Jan 9 @ 12:24PM
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 To one of my favorite attention seekers and a fabulous blogger. 
I hope that you will eventually learn to be comfortable with who you are,
because that's plenty good for the rest of us. 
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lj450
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Jan 9 @ 12:26PM
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I'm worried that other people are, too. I'm like "Oh no, what if people are like 'what is that tall hot chick doing hanging out with that short fat bitch?' "
Thats a dual edged sword you have there. In a way, its nice that you hold the opinions of "others"......strangers.....in such high esteem, but its also self-defeating. My suggestion would be to stop viewing the average person on the streets as someone whose opinion would actually matter.
You know what mom said.....you can please some of the people some of the time, but you cant please all of the people all of the time. So screw em.
We will always be our own harshest critic. Ive always thought you were a cutie.
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LoveME10der2005
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Jan 9 @ 12:38PM
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 50 pounds lost!! .....that alone is something to get excited about!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
That's a standing ovation in case you don't recognize it... 
PS: I love your blogs...this one is very informative, I can't even begin to comment on the disorder...thanks for sharing. and a BIG KUDO for you!
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theblessedone
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Jan 9 @ 1:21PM
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For as long as I can remember (back to my toddling days, in fact), I've always been shy. Then one day a few years ago, while watching television, I saw a commercial for Paxil. Suddenly, I had been cured of my shyness! Instead, I learned I was suffering from the far more insidious-sounding condition known as Social Anxiety Disorder.
Apparently, others had seen that same commercial, and took advantage of any and every opportunity to remind me of my new diagnosis. "Take a pill," they said. "Don't be so afraid to really LIVE," they chided.
Interestingly enough, according to the DSM-IV, I don't even come close to qualifying for that diagnosis. The same holds true for Body Dysmorphic Disorder, even though to the untrained eye (and ear), I present with many of the classic "symptoms."
My point?
(yeah, get to the point, will ya?!)
That someone else has a different reality than you, doesn't make YOUR reality less, well...REAL. That we in BlogVille find you quite lovely, doesn't affect your reflection one iota...nor does it alter your brain's perception in the slightest.
My wish for you is that YOU find your own peace, in whatever manner works for you. If nothing else, perhaps the comments and retorts of those that are unaware, unable to understand, or unwilling to learn, might in some small way motivate you in your search for answers and discoveries.
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kattsmeow
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Jan 9 @ 1:25PM
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Remember the old saying, " Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me?" Well, they were wrong!
I remember when my mom decided that since I didn't like her messing with my hair that it should be cut short. Yep, a 'twiggy" style pixie hair cut. Now, in my family, we have a trait, and it is BIG ears! Do you know how many times I was called Mickey mouse, or Dumbo?? It hurt so bad too that I never wore my hair back from my face because of it.
Now? Yes, I remember and it still hurts, but I also know that I have had people tell me they like it when I wear my hair in pony tail.
At my age now, I do what I want with it, but I will alwasy have it in the back of my mind,,,,,
Now, some how, you are going to have to really see your self as you are. The weight has came off, so now what? I say you go shopping, and enjoy your self.
Smile,,,,love life. I know,,,not easy, but it is up to you on how you look at yourself, not other people.
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ttomtarr
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Jan 9 @ 5:17PM
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I have enjoyed your blogs for about six months. I look at the profile and photos of good bloggers I read regularly. I saw your blogs and [ics. I have several impressions of you:
Clever name
Outspoken opinions
Good looking
Maturity way byond her years
Other than your own comments, I would never have associated the word overweight with you, and I, Ttomtarr, have spent a lifetime studying and enjoying women.
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suzzieq356
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Jan 9 @ 7:09PM
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You are so beautiful....Be proud.... 
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UnicornLover1962
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Jan 9 @ 7:49PM
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g/f i have been where you are. and still have my days.
the mind is our own worst enemy. i hope you can soon find the ammo to defeat the enemy within you.
i'm pulling for you!
huggles
mel
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HopelesslyHopeful
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Jan 17 @ 9:02PM
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I used to feel like that very badly, myself. Of course, most people really do have ulterior motives, so that's not entirely helpful lol
I think people focus on their bodies as a means of purposely not focusing elsewhere. Like, if they can fix that, then they'll be good people and if they can't fix it, well it's just their terrible bodies fault and it's not anything they can help .. they are the victim of their own gene pool, so to speak .. they are the butt of the great family joke of the ages. Something like that.
Three things really helped me.
1) I saw myself in a situation where I had no idea it was me I was looking at. This happened because of weirdly placed mirrors, because of pictures sitting where I didn't expect them, etc. So, what I learned is that if I don't know it's me, I think that woman is very attractive. I notice her flaws, sure, but they are not the majority of what she is to me, like they would be if I was looking in the mirror.
2) I've focused more on health, because that's what is really important. You have to be able to work, to get through the day. And, when it comes to being healthy, I have several areas that I excel at: I've got a lot of natural muscle, giant bones, stamina, so .. and I have several areas I can work on where I can feel the results and see the results.
3) Feeling better: when I eat better, avoid allergens, etc. per 2) then I can think more rationally, control my emotions better, etc.
Please do consider, if you haven't already, trying different eating methods. Like the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, the Allergy Free Diet, the Yeast Overgrowth Diet, and see if using ideas from such things doesn't help you feel better about yourself. There really is a lot of nuttiness that comes from eating something you have an allergy, or even a slight intolerance, too for so many people!
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