When my relationship of nearly 17 yrs ended and the walls came crashing inwards, my world as I knew it, disappeared into a big black hole so dark, that the light I needed to focus on to find my way out was extremely hard to find. I think the hardest part for me to accept, when the end (his unfaithfulness) came, it was light a thunderbolt from the blue. I had no inkling that it was coming and I had lived in a bubble (albeit a very unhappy one that I later realised) that had been held together by non truths and lies.
I have always been and always remain to see the good in everyone and find it very hard to see the hidden faces that people do wear, even however much you think you know them, that even my friends despair of me sometimes hahaha that I never mistrusted my ex and never once checked his phone or mail, that just is a no no for me. Complete trust is what I give and expect and believe that this is what good relationship foundations need and must have to stand the test of time. So for this trust to be bandied about and ripped from the rafters was something that took me a very long time to get over.
After about six months, after all the drinking myself to oblivion once the children were in bed and away from my grief, after all the crying  ,and questioning myself what had I done that was so wrong  , what could I have done to have stopped this wrenching of my soul to depths that I never really knew were there. I began to realise that the answer really was NOTHING!!!!! So what was I hanging on to? And Why did I feel that I had lost something if the something really was not that good anyhow….I couldn’t for the life of me find that answer but slowly and surely I got myself back on track, picked myself up and dusted myself down. I began to understand that I had stayed in the relationship for all the wrong reasons like I am sure so many of us have done sometime in our lives, like the children and security etc ect and for me a large part of it was I had lost three members of my immediate family, my mother and two brothers that I did not ever want to feel another loss ever if I could help it.
So life strolled on work, home, sleep, work, home sleep intermitted with answering of emails to friends and family, so when I got an email one day that had a programme attached to give me lots of cute icons for my mails I downloaded an played. After a little while I noticed a tab that said ‘Chat’ so being the curious individual that I am, my mother always said ‘one day that curiosity is going to get you into trouble’ I clicked and entered a world that I had never been in before, I had certainly heard of it but never visited. Even after registering on site I still did not realise what this so called ‘Chat’ was about. Then I found the ‘Chatroom’ ohhhhh boy was that an experience, first couple of times I went in there I nearly pooped myself and ran for the hill’s but I stuck at it and slowly but surely I started to be accepted in this world and even started to make friends. I was making friends with people from all over the world, from all walks of life and it was great, it was fun and it was making me realise that I had began to start to enjoy myself again. I had began to be the happy go lucky person I had been many many years ago.
Then it hit me Whammmmmmmmmmm I finally had the answer …..I finally realised what it was that I had LOST………The answer was ME…..yeps ME. I realised that in those 17 yrs I had let myself become somebody that was not me, I had moulded myself to everything that my ex had wanted, I had given up all the things I had liked to do and just did what my ex wanted, I don’t think he can be totally to blame for all that even though he was quite a sulker etc if he didn’t get his own way and in general was a very selfish man, I really had to shoulder some of the blame myself. I HAD LET IT HAPPEN…
So now after nearly three years on my own, and with the many new friends I have made along the way I am going to go into 2008 and kick its BUTT  hahahahaha and hopefully make another bunch of new friends in the process.
And just remember people if any of this makes you think about yourself and how you are, remember JUST always be yourself…..no one can make you anything else unless YOU let them. 
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