Jeanine and I had a discussion today about what it means to really grow up, and I realised that....it's not that I'm scared of growing up and getting "out in the world", it's just that I'm still so scared, after what happened to me all through high school.
I mean, wow, a lot of people have no idea how hard it was. Being a short, fat Italian girl with crazy curly hair who wore goth clothes and painted her face white and protested the war, wouldn't stand for the Pledge of Allegiance or the national anthem, and watched the news and debated politics with teachers instead of watching MTV and debating celebrity gossip with the rest of the kids really put you out there and made you prime gossip and teasing material. It wasn't even teasing, it was....torment. The things that happened to me are what spawned Eric and Dylan, alright? But I'm much more sane, and clear-headed....and medicated.
After I saw The Wall, it really struck me. I had nightmares about it, and at first I thought it was the creepy imagery and animation that freaked me out....but no, I realised that I relate to Pink in a way that is completely and truly sad. I began to construct my wall when I was thirteen and I'm afraid that it is nearly done. I don't know how to knock it down. I don't want to be like him and be forced by my conscience to knock it down after I've wronged every person in my life without realising it....
My friend Michael was like a "mascot" to the jocks and cheerleaders. What I mean was they hung out with him because he was Chinese and had an Asian accent, and they hung out with him so they could make fun of him subtly while they were with him and laugh about it afterwards. He was with them a lot, so he heard what they were saying. He said something to me a few days ago that really hit home.
"Renae", he said, "they didn't make fun of you because you were big. They didn't make fun of any of the other big girls, goth girls, hippies, whatever. You just have a powerful aura and you deny everything they think a woman should be. They, especially the guys, didn't like it. Do you think the girls ever made fun of you? No, they didn't. In fact when they were alone, they admired you. They wanted to be outspoken and speak their minds. The guys didn't like that you did that and didn't conform to their standards of femininity and beauty. It scared them."
I wish I had known that, or been smart enough to realise it on my own. It might have helped me to knock down the wall before it had come so close to being completed.
I don't know how to make the transition out of high school. If only you guys could see a picture of me from freshman year....you'd be horrified. It doesn't even look like me. You wouldn't believe it's me. I have such a hard time believing I'm not her anymore....because it's so drilled into my head that that's what I look like. It's not that I'm in the high school "state of mind" so much anymore, because when I look back on it...my GOD, I am not that person, even though I miss the level headed, fun loving, zany, happy, clear-headed, original Renae of junior and the beginning of senior year that was virtually destroyed....it's just that the torment has left me afraid of people and afraid of being hurt.
I just have to, I suppose, come to a point where I realise I'm not her, and people are grown up enough where they aren't going to do that to me anymore. Hell, those kids are nice to me now.....in fact, they add me as friends on Facebook and they say hi to me in the halls at college and act as if they never did anything. They voted me Most Original in the yearbook Senior year and...they stood behind me when Dan was abusing me. It's like they began to embrace their school freak.
I'm not her, and my mirror lies.
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| ~*~Not In High School Anymore~*~ |
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emptypages
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Jan 20 @ 10:58PM
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people grow up. School is school - you know the whole deal with cliques. When you have to go out into the world, it humbles you, and can make you a better rounded person. It's a good thing. 
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Skydognc
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Jan 20 @ 11:04PM
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Renae,
Just an observation here...........
You are beautiful, inside and out........
and .........
you are more prepared, and better equipped to take on "the world" ,
than most of us so called adults !
You have a maturity, and a sense about you, that puts my 48 years to shame sometimes !
.......now, go get em girl ! ....................
" fear is by far, the greatest obsticle, in obtaining our goals"
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beckyiv42000
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Jan 20 @ 11:15PM
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Wow this is the fourth time I have used this ... people fear what they don't understand and usually attack it they didn't understand you is all and more than likely you didn't give them a chance .. which just perpetuated the situation...I think you have found yourself in the past few years and are not afraid of being yourself anymore.. the real you.. Hon you don't necessarily have to break down the walls but maybe ease into it by making a door that when you need to you can shut until the time comes you no longer need it 
<( *v* )>
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loreal
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Jan 20 @ 11:25PM
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20% of all people are Highly Sensitive People (HSB) and I think maybe you might be one of those Stars!
You should read on it... 
L
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Ginstl
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Jan 20 @ 11:45PM
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What President Rosevelt said has always stuck in my mind:
"The only thing you have to fear, is fear itself!"
my.02
Greg.
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ChipP
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Jan 21 @ 12:05AM
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Skydog hit the nail on the head for me..I agree with him 100%. I would ad just this...Terrible things have happened to many people in their past and they found a way to overcome and get past it, while some dwell on the old pain and never heal. Talking about it like you do,and realizing you have changed and can get past it all, is what is ultimately going to heal the old scars for good. You also need to forget your old ways of thinking about yourself , give yourself a break, wipe your own slate clean and start loving yourself fully, You have a lot of reason to..
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lacyvsq
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Jan 21 @ 12:20AM
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I was a freak and misfit in High School. My memories of those four years of my life are dominated by scenes of me crying myself to sleep night after night.
For me, the difference in self-perception came when I moved far away from my past. They say you can't escape who you are, but a change of envoronment -- literally leaving behind everybody I knew and going to a place where everyone was a stranger/friend-I-had-not-yet-met was -- was the beginning for me. I found the person that was really me. I used to have dreams that I had gone back home to visit and that I was seduced into staying there and I would wake up terrified that I had lost myself.
That path is not for everyone, but it worked for me.
Some time back you changed your name for a time. Perhaps that would be a way for you to gain/regain some of what you desire. Find a name that exemplifies all you want to be and add it as an alter ego or middle name. It worked marvelously for Archibald Leach/Cary Grant.
You will get there...
Blessings!
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redtigr
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Jan 21 @ 12:32AM
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Taking the next step always involves fear. But you see yourself in a whole different light that the girl you were. You are able to look at her and then look into that mirror (metaphorically and literally) and see the changes you have made - conscious changes - changes that involved willpower and introspection and personal growth.
Be brave. You are so much stronger than you might suspect.
Great post...
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RainSongSpirit
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Jan 21 @ 12:33AM
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Guerrero
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Jan 21 @ 1:18AM
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I had friends of all sizes and backgrounds. I picked on people and got picked on myself. I didn't develop "myself" until I came to college.
In High School, I was everything from Band member, Varsity athlete, Art Student, 4H member, etc ... in college, I'm just like everyone else... a unique student. Something makes me tick and do the things I do. When I lost everything I was good at, it gave me a chance to find out who or what I am as a person and what I have to offer society.
Which brings me to you. Maybe your gift to society is a "voice".
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exvagabond
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Jan 21 @ 6:35AM
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...after what happened to me all through high school. What sustained me thru those dreadful years was the innate conviction that This Is Not Natural! At the most physically-energetic time of our lives, we are to sit on our asses 6 hours a day, 5 days a week? And after 12 years of it, still not be qualified to earn a living? No, this isn't real life, real society, I kept saying. It helped.
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kjac
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Jan 21 @ 8:10AM
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From one freak to another-
Freaks are cool. 
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luvshorses644
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Jan 21 @ 9:04AM
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LGQ, as a former member of the same club of fear of being "outside the box" or "not your typical teenage girl in a high school full of them" (and being overweight, with an overbite, and terribly thick ugly glasses who enjoyed learning) I can relate with your blog.
I didn't do what the other girls in High School did either, and I was the (pardon the cliche, but it fits) butt of their jokes and whispers and one day I came to the realization (when I had my first real boyfriend in school) that they made fun of me because deep inside somewhere, they wished they had a piece of my sympathy for others, my ability to absorb the wonderful things the school was teaching us, and my inane love of the outdoors and not worrying about breaking nails, or wearing baggy clothes to play baseball.
The transition for you to get out of the high school mode has already begun. You are a beautiful, intelligent woman who doesn't follow the crowd in manner of thinking, dress or life.
Next time you look in that mirror, stop the thoughts of the trauma of high school. When that happens, close your eyes, think of all you have accomplished and the wonderful person you have become and mentally embrace her, then reopen your eyes and the mirror will not lie anymore.
~*~
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ttomtarr
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Jan 21 @ 9:54AM
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As a child your parents love you no matter what you do.
As an adult, people love you according to how they percieve what you do.
Freaking out peolpe seems like fun, but it doesnt make them love you.
You can't please everyone, so pick who you want for friends and go for it in a positive way.
Growing up includes deciding what we DON'T want to do too.
Good Luck
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Sugar_Lee
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Jan 21 @ 1:29PM
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Lipgloss, I think many of us have been though some sort of period in our lives where we wanted to make a statement. I'm still in mine.. my daughter's grew up without the conform restraint, my grands are doing the same. Time make you wiser...do not be afraid!
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Sugar_Lee
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Jan 21 @ 1:31PM
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oops forgot the kudo! Wonderfully written, I am just slow getting to many! 
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hammertime
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Jan 21 @ 2:12PM
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LGQ
Congratulations on finishing HS. You are now ready for more in the world out there. Its going to get better. You've gone through the rites of passage and they're never easy but that only prepares you for what's next. Seek to continue towards a higher education where you can really grow and use all you've learned from life that nothing in high school could ever teach you. Its time to think differently. Not about you being ready for the world but whether the world is ready for you! They're just going to have to deal with it because you will be making some changes.
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BandTMom
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Jan 21 @ 3:23PM
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Renae, my transition out of High School was difficult too.
You're doing fine just as you are.
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BandTMom
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Jan 21 @ 3:24PM
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Whoops! I forgot the ~*~
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enigmasrook
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Jan 21 @ 3:30PM
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Nicely done.
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unionman154
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Jan 21 @ 4:50PM
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Life is all about change. We should embrace change and not fear it like so many do. Sometimes change is welcomed other times its a passing stage that we will miss looking back. One thing is certain in life and that is change. Good Luck
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HopelesslyHopeful
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Jan 22 @ 12:05AM
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Wow! That all sounds way too familiar .. except the part where some people matured and started acting nice, eventually. I'm glad for you that you can see things in a new light, and I'm glad for the people that changed their tune that they can, as well.
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kattsmeow
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Jan 22 @ 9:55AM
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First of all, you know how much I think of you ok?
While you were in High school, you chose to be different. You didn't conform to the "norm". You went your own way and they ( the other kids) didn't understand you.
Are you proud of what you stood for back then? If so, then look back and smile about it. You decided to stand up for the things you believed in, there is something to be said about doing that in your high school years!
Now, take what you have learned and move on to the next step. If you choose to go against the grain, be strong and keep your head held high and smile.
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