I am not even aware when it happened, or as to why it happened but I've recently discovered a subtle shift within me concerning relationships. For a good majority of my 48 years of life I have been single and on my own. I did not like being in this position and often times my emotions would run the gamut between depression and anger at being alone & feeling lonely. I guess you could say that I was one of those women who, when entering a brand new relationship, would already be visualizing bridesmaids & wedding bells... so desperate was I to be in a loving, committed relationship. I had a goal in mind and I was so focused on reaching that goal that I missed out on the journey. I was obsessed, sad to say.
As some of you are aware, I broke up with a man I had been dating since July of 2006 on new years day. He was a good man in my mind, especially compared to others that I have dated in the past, unfortunately we were as different as day & night in the important areas. I had to lovingly let this relationship go cause it wasn't fair of me to continue living a lie or to give him false hope of a possible future together on down the road. Yes...I felt sad in the beginning. Even though it was the right thing to do it was still an ending to a way of life I had grown accustomed to. The little things that I had longed for all my life such as a phone call asking how my day at work went; snuggling at the end of a long day right before going to sleep; a bouquet of flowers for no particular reason; etc... It wasn't materialistic things that mattered to me but the little things that touched my heart.
But I think something died inside when I let go of this last relationship. I don't feel that urgent, desperate "need" to get back in the dating game again cause I might die tomorrow & never see my dream fulfilled. I can't blame it on depression cause I'm not. I still get up every morning & sing along with the songs playing on my radio. I go out with my group of friends for dinner or dancing or a chinese auction. I'm in the process of making arrangements to go on a cruise to the carribean in June. So I'm not sitting around lamenting over being single again nor do I feel inclined to end my singledom.
In fact, I don't feel anything - either in a good way or a bad way - when it comes to relationships. As an example, I have been friends with a man named Rich, who I met through myspace, for the last year. He's a very handsome man, extremely intelligent and we've had some awesome discussions I can tell you!; he's responsible, steady, reliable, fun, easy going, etc... a very good friend. However, 2 weeks ago he asked me out in a non-friend way to a movie of my choice and then for mexican food afterwards. I asked him if this was on a "friend's" level and he assured me it was and so I agreed. I mean the list of chores & errands would still be there the next day, right? lol So we went and we had a wonderful time and we talked our fool heads off during dinner and in the end, he went his way & I went mine. Then this last Saturday a group of my friends & I were planning on going out to the local tavern to see a new band, have dinner & drinks, laugh & dance the night away so I invited Rich to join us and he accepted. We all had a very good time and the muscles in my face hurt from laughing so much.
In fact, we had such a great time that it literally shocked me when the bartender yelled out "LAST CALL!" How the heck could it be that late?!?!? I offered Rich a ride home cause he had walked down since he lived so close to the tavern but it had turned nasty outside with high winds and snow. When I pulled into his driveway I turned towards him to tell him I had a great time & I hope that he liked my friends and had fun when he leaned in to kiss me. He was a very good kisser by the way, but I absolutely felt NOTHING stir inside what-so-ever. Dead. Numb. I think he had sensed that right away cause he called me 10 minutes later to ask if I was ok & I told him yes but I was going to sleep & we would talk the next day. Which we did. I did not lie & came right out to tell him that I felt nothing inside when he kissed me and that I believe we should remain friends & nothing more. He told me that he could sense that something wasn't right when he kissed me & that's why he called me 10 minutes later.
It's ok - we're ok & still talk every day like we did before. As I said, Rich is a good friend. What puzzles me is the dead feeling inside of me. Why am I not bouncing off the walls looking to get into another relationship, hoping that THIS time I found "the one?" Where did that anxiety I've had all my life go? Why don't I care anymore that I could die tomorrow... alone? And why don't I feel lonely either? What happened to me? I wondered if my heart had been broken so many times... my spirit & hope for a loving, committed future with a wonderful partner been dashed to the ground so often... that there is no more heart left inside of me. It is genuinely a conundrum to me.
Any sincere insight?
Love,
Theresa
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