~*Meine Mutter*~ posted 2/4/2008 7:26:51 PM | 8 kudos what's this?     report abuse

LipGlossQueen9

There's a John Lennon song called "What You Got"...and in the chorus, it says:

"You don't know what you got, until you lose it"

I first heard it when I bought the John Lennon Anthology about three years ago on a whim. I had 200 dollars to spare that I got from people for my 18th birthday. I think it was on the third disc, so it's about Yoko, but that's besides the point.

They've been gone for two weeks now, and it looks like they might be gone for three. Carianne's inflammation hasn't subsided yet, though she is feeling and looking better. Her sense of humour has returned, and all that, but the subject of surgery to possibly remove a part of her colon was brought up today.

I never took Carianne or Rolf for granted. Maybe a little bit, but only because I'm really comfortable with them. But my mum....I have been taking her for granted my whole life, and I am only just realising it now.

My mum and I were always very, very close up until I was about 17 when she changed from Paxil to Lexapro, and underwent a serious personality change. I was always able to talk to her about anything, without being judged or scrutinised. Sometimes, she really didn't know how to deal with what I told her so she told me to tell Marge (my therapist of almost 10 years) about it, but she would always listen.

For the past few years, the relationship hasn't been the same, and as I've changed, I've come to resent her a bit. She's obese and borderline diabetic, but refuses to change her situation. She works longer hours for the Health Department at the town hall for less pay than I personally feel is right, and comes home exhausted and cranky. My father does most of the cooking and cleaning around the house. (He has for years). She would also criticise me and respond to me coldly sometimes and yell at me about things that I necessarily could not control. Sometimes, I wouldn't even be able to stay at home, opting to be at Jeanine's house instead.

But lately, it's been different, I suppose...before everyone left, we were back to the stage where we were more comfortable having our conversations. She was able to watch American Idol and even wrestling and Presidential debates with Rolf, Carianne, Ava and I. Her and I were able to discuss politics, and I was even able to confess to her than I was a little resentful (please don't knock me, I'm only human) that all the times that I was manic, I was told to get over it and move on with my life, but time stopped for my sister and her physical illness.

I really, truly miss my mother and her stupid jokes and really everything about her. I can't say I really I've felt this way since I was a little girl, but it's hitting me really very hard and I just don't really know how to cope with it.

You really don't know what you got until you lose it.

Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)

Blogs by LipGlossQueen9: For Fun: Bumper Stickers That Apply To Me I'm NOT A Bitch. I'm NOT A Ho. To The Women Who Have Changed My Life To The Men Who Have Changed My Life *On The Body* I Won't Change For No One God, It's Amazing ~Jersey Girls~ Attacks On Women's Appearances in Political Discussions Talkin' Bout My Generation Why I Hate American Idol MD- You'll Attract More Flies With Vinegar ~*Meine Mutter*~ Why I CANNOT and WILL NOT Vote For Hillary 51 Pounds Down, 19 To Go Goodbye, Rainbow Damnit. ~*~Not In High School Anymore~*~ We're Just Like You I Did It Body Dysmorphic Disorder - Why We're Not "Just Seeking Attention" ~In 2008, I Will....~ Child Killing Bastards (May Be Mildly Offensive To Some) There's Nothing Left To Do Now... Merry Christmas, And Ron Paul Spammers