If the past month of being alone has made me realise anything, or taught me anything...it has truly reminded me that I really do have a problem.
I am a food addict.
You heard me right: I am addicted to food.
My food addiction began when I was 11 years old and kids in school began to tease me because I was strange and dressed differently than they did. I would get up early in the morning on weekends, sneak down the ladder of my top bunk quiet as a mouse (this was before my room was downstairs...ironically right next to the food pantry), walk to the pantry, and sneak two Milano cookies every Saturday morning. I'd repeat the process every Sunday morning. Then I'd do it every day after school. Soon, two Milano cookies turned into five of any kind of cookie. Dipped in two percent milk.
Soon, five of any kind of cookie turned into a big bowl of ice cream and five of any kind of cookie.
By the time I was a freshman, I was 170 pounds, but looked more like 230 because all the fat settled in my stomach and in my butt. I literally looked like I had a watermelon AND a baby in my stomach. My butt was like...one of the legends in my school, apparently. Add to that the fact that I looked so much bigger because I was on medication that made me bloated...and it was terrible.
When problems started occurring with Dan when I was a senior (this was after I lost all that weight), I turned to food again...I didn't know where else to go. I could eat a pint of ice cream in a matter of hours, as well as a foot long sandwich. Perhaps a whole bag of chips. I remember that the day Dan's friend slit my car tire, I was sitting on the side of the road...and I finished an entire bag of chips in 30 minutes.
After about a year...I was 200 pounds.
You have no idea how hard it's been over this past month with all the people in my house that I love gone NOT to turn to food. I don't know how else to reward myself. Like...in Weight Watchers, when they talk about rewarding yourself, my mind STILL jumps to food. But I've only slipped a few times, you know? I've been really good about what I've been eating. And it's not like I haven't been craving. Believe me, I've been craving. But I haven't given in....
People don't realise how easy it is to fall back into that trap. Like, if I wanted to right now, I could eat more than any of you. I will guarantee you that. I won't do it, though.
I wish there was recognition for food addiction in society. I guess it took a long time for alcoholism to be recognised too. It really pisses me off, you know, because there are some idiots who really do just sit on their asses and eat because they don't care when there are those of us who really do have a problem. Because of those idiots who don't care, those of us who really do have a problem get lumped in with them. I wasn't really lazy and gluttonous, I just didn't really know how else to deal with things and relieve stress.
And to be honest, I still don't. I hold all my stress inside or take it out on other people because I don't know what else to do except to eat food.
It's something I really, really have to work on.
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| My Name Is Renae, And I Have A Problem |
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kattsmeow
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Feb 20 @ 6:33PM
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You are right, where does a food addict go to for comfort?
Woman, I really am proud of you! I wish I knew what to tell you so you wouldn't have this problem too.
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Sweetheart83446
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Feb 20 @ 9:24PM
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You are right, where does a food addict go to for comfort? The gym. After an hour of working your ass off, you no longer want food.
I'm bored, and this is the only new blog I can find, so, I will share some hints, although, I know you didn't ask and probably do not even want them. If that's the case, tell me to STFU and delete my comment...seriously 
So, I go to the gym twice a day, two hours in the morning two hours at night. I meet with a nutritionist every Friday. (I was told I was skinny fat, I was thin, but, had very little muscle.)
Did you know that when you go to a restaurant the food portions are three times the size of what they should be? For example, a portion of spaghetti should be as thick as a nickel, uncooked. Does that look like what they serve you in a restaurant? Hell no. People feel guilty if they do not eat all the food because they feel like they wasted money, so, what you do is: right when you get the food, you ask for a to-go box. Then you put half of the food in the box before you start to eat, viola, over eating in restaurants, solved.
The nutritionist also said if you follow a healthy diet six days a week, including working out, that on the seventh day you could eat whatever you want. Well, on the seventh day, you end up NOT eating bad stuff because it pisses you off you just threw away six days of effort of a candy bar.
And finally, did you know a 2 liter coke has a pound of sugar in it? Gator aid and Power aid? Same thing, gator aid was made for athletes who play hard and rough. Not for people trying to loose weight. It was made to put carbs and sugars back into you. Why people trying to loose weight drink that stuff baffles my mind, it defeats the purpose of the workout you just did.
I am an emotional eater as you. It sucks to say the least. I get depressed I run for the chocolate. Now, if I get pissed, depressed or anything else, I will chew gun or go take a walk. It helps.
I still slip, but, I don’t beat myself up over it. Neither should you. We all slip. Just wipe it off, and keep going like it never happen.
You are doing awesome. Many do not understand how hard it is to loose weight. It was sooo much easier putting it on, huh? Most give up by now. You keep it up...ok?
Sry for going on and on and on and on and on. 
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armybear
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Feb 21 @ 4:38AM
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I have a history of BIG people in my fam. Personally, my weight has always gone up & down, literally since birth. I was born 10.5 lbs and once a year I would gain 10, 20, 50 lbs and then 6 months to a year later I would lose it again! This has happened non-stop for my whole life. My oldest sister has been obese her whole life, trying every diet, every meeting/support group, even auditioning for 'the biggest loser' but to no avail. My mum once said 'why does food have to taste so good!'
LOL, Luckily, when I was in the military it gave me plenty of motivation and opportunity to be active and keep in shape. But now that I am out/retired.....sometimes I just wanna say to Heck with it! As long as my health isnt in danger. Enjoy the food, enjoy life, enjoy yourself. If and when youre tired of it...you WILL do something. I once lost 52 lbs in 3 months by just walking 3-4 hrs a day and eating grapes and air popcorn. Dont worry, youre still young, you can do it!
Kudoes for you!
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ColdinWisconsin
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Feb 21 @ 6:26AM
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Oh man baby girl.....I hear ya.
Loss, loss, loss...you can only lose so much love in your life in a short amount of time before you start to flounder.
But don't you doubt for one minute that that fat IS doing something for us. We are THERE. We exist. Larger than life as it were. And in it's own way...protects us from the next onslaught of loss. Layer upon layers of "you can't hurt me".
food is love, food is sex, food is love, food is sex, food is love, food is sex, food is love, food is sex, food is love, food is sex, food is love, food is sex, food is love, food is sex, food is love, food is sex, food is love, food is sex, food is love, food is sex, food is love, food is sex, food is love, food is sex, food is love, food is sex, food is love, food is sex, food is love, food is sex, cigarettes are love, cigarettes are sex, cigarettes are love, cigarettes are sex, cigarettes are love, cigarettes are sex, cigarettes are love, cigarettes are sex, cigarettes are love, cigarettes are sex, cigarettes are love, cigarettes are sex, cigarettes are love, cigarettes are sex, cigarettes are love, cigarettes are sex, cigarettes are love, cigarettes are sex,
Yeah...you aren't alone. We all have our addictions (and food is certainly the most enjoyable) But some of us smoke, and some of us will run until we puke, and some others write for days on end with no sleep and even less food. Either way....it's pushing yourself. Perhaps just waiting for someone to say "STOP".
For someone to just find something worthy in you to care enough to see the beauty that you possess. But in the end honey...you have GOT to love yourself...ALL of you, before anyone else can even come close to appriciating all that you are. And sometimes it's just pulling your self worth back to you.
When they go, you don't have to let them take your essence. Admit your mistakes (to yourself if no one else) and then grab your bad self and turn around and walk away.
And yeah....I came back just to say this to you. I couldn't let this one go.
kisses girlfriend.....
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ColdinWisconsin
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Feb 21 @ 6:32AM
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Oh yeah....kudo's too babe.
kudo's are sex, kudo's are love, kudo's are sex, kudo's are love, kudo's are sex, kudo's are love, kudo's are sex, kudo's are love, kudo's are sex, kudo's are love, kudo's are sex, kudo's are love, kudo's are sex, kudo's are love, kudo's are sex, kudo's are love, kudo's are sex, kudo's are love, kudo's are sex, kudo's are love, kudo's are sex, kudo's are love, kudo's are sex, kudo's are love, kudo's are sex, kudo's are love, kudo's are sex, kudo's are love 
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exvagabond
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Feb 21 @ 8:42AM
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Food costs money. I have to work for money. I don't always want to work. And considering the prevalence of junk food, it may be more nutritious and cheaper to eat money.
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kjac
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Feb 21 @ 8:59AM
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Food addiction isn't like drugs, booze, etc. Because you can't altogether cut yourself off from your addiction. Moderation is the hardest thing to do with any addiction.
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sarina543
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Feb 21 @ 9:07AM
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You are not alone!!!!!
I too have the very same problem, and I can go one step further. I am a sleep eater. It is gross, if I am stressing I will wake up in the middle of the night eating something. Like a big ole sandwich and 2 glasses of milk. I have gotten up in the morning and found that I have eaten a whole package of cookies. And I wander why my stomach hurts!!!! haha
I hav e found that if I exercise like yard work, or light aerobics I don't do it as often. And I don't buy what I like very often. If I want chips, I buy a little bag, and if I or my kids want pop I buy only 1 20 oz pop per person. My thought to them is drink it all now or save some for later it is your choice, but don't bitch to me when it is all gone. I also keep things here like fruit and grain bars, and oatmeal, I never keep chocolate or cookies here, just because they are not good for us, and we will eat them. Also, if someone does need candy or what ever I buy 1 regular sized bar per person, pop corn is a good substitute for the crap, not great but better then a can of pringles.
I lost nearly 100lbs doing this, and although when my dog died a couple of weeks ago I went nuts and gained 10lbs, I am back on track, and doing ok.
Here is one more thing I do. I cook up chicken breasts, not fried I bake or saute them in a skillet, nothing fancy a little water some sea salt and pepper, chop it into cubes or strips and keep low fat ranch on hand. It tastes good and helps to maintain my sugars, but also helps with the need to eat.
Good luck
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selectiveman
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Feb 21 @ 9:31AM
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I have a sister, and a best friend that suffer from food addiction.
My friend - even somewhat heavy in childhood - gained up to almost 400lbs once. He held this weight for many years, and it began to cause him lots of health problems.
Once he got divorced, he was able to make a change in his life, and lost down to about 220-230. However, he now suffers from Diabetes. It came on slow, but now it's full-blown. He has to take expensive meds, and watch very closely what he eats.
My sister, while she was absolutly beautiful & fit until she was in her late 20's, has been severely overweight for many years. Now, at 49, she's trying once again to lose it. She's done great... as she has many times before. I hope she sticks to it.
But, the odds are not in her favor. She lives alone, and gets much enjoyment from eating.
She suffered from anxiety attacks for many years, and I feel this may have helped play a roll in it.
You have youth on your side.
1- you've recognized your condition early,
2- your body has more ability to recover at a younger age than someone who's carried extra weight for most thier lives.
There is help out there for food addicts. It's probably not as easy to find as AA. But does exist. One just has to resolve that, it's a life-change. Not just a diet to lose X pounds.
You're looking great, keep up the good work 
"Nothing tastes as good, as being thin feels"
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Fender
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Feb 21 @ 9:38AM
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I know the feeling... I haven't been eating junk food for a little over a month and I can eat anything salty, peanuts, chips...it's hard. Good blog. Good for you.
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TroutFishing
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Feb 21 @ 10:42AM
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The first year I got into bicycling, I lost 40 pounds. I also rode
4.000 miles that summer.
If you spend your time doing something without food sitting
next to you, you think of other things. I rode over 50,000
miles over the next 15 years.
Over the years I spent more and more time on the computer
with audio and video projects. Then last year I went back to
what worked: Even though I was riding less, I lost 40 pounds
by not stocking junk food in the house and proportioning food
BEFORE cooking it - half a box of mac & cheese - a pound of
pasta and a jar of sauce I split 3 ways before cooking, so it
lasted 3 days.
When I lose someone, I find some way to celebrate their LIFE
at LEAST once a year. That way they are alive in my mind and
I can remember how they impacted my life.
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Sweetshy99
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Feb 21 @ 11:18AM
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"I wasn't really lazy and gluttonous, I just didn't really know how else to deal with things and relieve stress. And to be honest, I still don't. I hold all my stress inside or take it out on other people because I don't know what else to do except to eat food."
I know you can't trust a person you don't know but trust me on this, if you don't find a way to let it all out, you might end up a basket case or worse, an empty shell of a person who's outwards expression is one of hate and anger. It's not good or pretty or healthy.
I wish you luck. 
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Josuha
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Feb 21 @ 11:41AM
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Try eating a regular portion.
Wait fifteen minutes.
It takes about fifteen minutes for the messages from your stomach to your brain to tell you your not hungry.
It works.
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kattsmeow
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Feb 21 @ 11:50AM
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Didn't I tell you one time that you are not alone?
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