Before I start, I'd like to point out that everyone who is reading this probably knows that I love my sister with all my heart and soul and I would step in front of an oncoming car or a bullet to save her life...and if you don't know that, educate yourself. This blog is not about her and she should NEVER feel guilty should she read it because it is NOT her fault. It is the fault of my nasty, selfish, ignorant relatives...some who have treated me like absolute shit my entire life and the others who have pretended I don't exist because I'm not a tall beautiful model like their neice/granddaughter. I also have more sympathy than probably any of you...except Ava... for my sister and it's because I have taken more care of her than anyone else in her life...it was ME who was home with her every time she was anxious and ME who gave up most of my entire social life with her to stay home after school, pick her up from the bus stop, hang out with her, etc. So before you accuse me of having no sympathy...think, and shut the f*** up.
First off I'd like to point out to my f***ing family, that I exist. Even now, I f***ing exist, even though my sister is sick. Not one of them has bothered to call when they're asking how she is and ask me "Renae, how are you?" except Aunt Janet, Vern and Susie, and my neighbour...and you have no idea how amazing that felt. My f***ing Aunt Rita didn't even call me once, nor did my cousins..including Lisa, who was like my big sister when I was little. The f***ing Italians didn't even speak to me...Kathy called once but again, didn't even ask about how I was feeling...as if my well being counts for shit. Like I'm not even a person. Like I'm not affected by what's going on, or something. I have to wonder if they had even any idea what it was like to go for a month without my mom. Anyone who knows me knows that yeah I am a f***ing baby and massively co dependent and I have NEVER been separated from my mother for that long and it was like f***ing hell. Especially having to live with my father and no one else especially since I'm used to living in a house full of people. I'm tired of having relatives who don't give a shit that I exist.
Secondly, what hurts even more is knowing that God forbid I attempt suicide, all these people, especially the Italians, wouldn't even call...cos they never even call anyway. And I try so hard to f***ing impress them when I'm around them. My relatives would not even f***ing give a shit that I nearly killed myself because they are so f***ing conservative that they don't even think of mental illness as legitimate and think I'm just lazy and feeling sorry for myself.
For the 11 years that I have been afflicted with some sort of mental illness, my mother's side of the family has treated me with nothing but malice, ignorance, coldness, and ridicule. I have felt like nothing short of an outcast when I was with them because I challenged everything they were comfortable with. When they found out I was bipolar it only got worse because they made every effort to tiptoe around me. My cousin Jeffery even said at some points he didn't want me in his house in front of his son Justin. They have said nasty things to me about how my religions (Hare Krishna, Wicca, Islam, etc) were gothic and terrorist "crap", how I was "crazy", and how I need to "say my opinion to people who actually care about them". That was after I told Jeffery not to let his children insult my sister, and not to insult my sister himself. (He accused her of being involved with Satanism...and after years of being subjected to that treatment by him, I sympathised and I was right there, at her defence and as usual, I was met with malice and ignorance)
And what has my mother done about it? Nothing. My mother has never been there to put them in their place. If they did that to MY child...I'd cut them off. I don't care...once you have a child, your life ceases to be about you, and becomes about your child and if someone makes your child feel threatened, uncomfortable, or like less of a human being than everyone else, you put them in their place...ESPECIALLY if they're your family. All my mother ever did was refuse to spend Thanksgiving with those nasty ass mother f***ers two years in a row because of the treatment, but she regretted it both times, as if she was ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING WRONG. What horse shit. I am tired of the treatment...like I'm a non-entity.
Thank GOD for Vern and Susie. They are more family to my family, besides Ava, than anyone else who shares our blood and DNA and I honestly think I'd be half a person without them.
It seems like all I have is my boyfriend. I don't want to count him out here....I'm really so glad he's home because sleeping with him last night felt better than anything, including that night I got higher than Mount Everest's peak, felt in the last month. He's the only one that cares about my existence right now.
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read more blogs!
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Josuha
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Feb 22 @ 3:32PM
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If I'm getting the drift from your blog, you want 'acceptance'?
There is a hard cold rule of 'acceptance' and 'tolerance' that few wish to reconize.
The door swings both ways.
Are you being 'tolerant' and 'accepting' your families belief systems?
Did you present your 'spiritual' beliefs to them to say your on a quest or as a challedge?
Some families take it as such.
Families, clans, tribes etc and the saying 'birds of a feather' is more true than not.
What I am saying is, just accept yourself.
Accept them for who they are.
Keep the religion, politicis etc out of the discussions.
Just my 2 cents.
Don't make a point on how 'different' you are to them.
But how simarlar you are.
Leave the politics, religion etc out of family matters.
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cartay25
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Feb 22 @ 3:33PM
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It's too bad that our own families can make us feel like outsiders. Concentrate your energies on the ones who love you and forget the rest. It may be hard not having others in the family stick up for you but you are now old enough to stick up for yourself and let them know how you feel. I had waited too long to do the same thing but once I started I began to feel much better.
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teacuppoms
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Feb 22 @ 3:35PM
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at least someone cares...u need to grow up and dont depend on other people to agree with ur life
be who u want to be for u ...ur sister and boyfreind the rest screw them 
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Ginstl
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Feb 22 @ 4:29PM
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Whatever is happening in your life is apparently outside the comfort zone of your relatives. for your own sake, you have to accept them for who they are and move on with your own life. You don't have to like or agree with them.
They are not the captian of your ship, you are, so don't let their bs run your life.
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JimNastics
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Feb 22 @ 4:31PM
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and I'm very glad you DO exist. 
I'm glad Rolf is back to validate & comfort you. 
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lostinmesaaz
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Feb 22 @ 5:01PM
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Sorry your having such a hard time.
I send you a hug and  to help cheer you up.
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Guerrero
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Feb 24 @ 9:26PM
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I don't think I've seen the word "f***" so many times in a blog.
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SunBabe
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Feb 28 @ 12:25AM
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I was thinking about this, R~, and it occurred to me that a lot of the 'agnosticism' that you feel has been exhibited toward you might be that adults are treating you like an adult -- and that because of your intellectual level, that's how you may have always been treated...whether people realized it or not.
...this is only a personal thought from a mother who had to continually remind herself that her own daughter needed to be a child for a normal emotional growth.
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Say_Yes
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Mar 10 @ 11:58PM
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Nothing hurts more, than being rejected by your family. Been there, done that. You have shown great strength in dealing with it. Venting and getting it out of your system is healthy. Perhaps some day, your family will grow & learn to accept you, for you. If not, the fault is theirs, while the loss is mutual. Best wishes.
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