I feel like I'm going to be in a permanent funk, and I wish I had a better way of dealing with it than getting mad at other people. Maybe it's time I take a look at what is really wrong with me.
I gave up the best person and thing I've ever had, basically, but I had to.
And since I did it I keep wondering why I do the things I do...and why I've always done the things I do.
I'm going to be 21 next Monday and maybe it's time that I actually look inside and start dealing with my issues instead of trying to run from them.
A lot of you wonder why I say I'm not good enough. Well, truthfully, there's a lot of reasons for it. For a long time, I was the girl who let herself get laid by just about anybody (there's a long list) and received a call, email, or IM every few months. And sometimes when I was propositioned I didn't even think about my decision or its potential impact on my life; I would just say 'yes'. That made me feel like I was not good enough for a relationship, either because of my looks or whatever other reason there was. I know a lot of people say I am pretty, but for a long time...I really wasn't....and people knew it. They knew it, and they never left me alone about it until my looks began to develop when I started to lose the weight.
I think also that spending so much time alone (people in my town started dating in fifth grade) before Dan and after Dan made me develop an attitude like I was too good for people in my age group because in school I was always so much smarter and so much more "advanced" (even though I never turned in my homework...how intelligent can I actually f***ing be?). Even today, when I talk to people my age, I tend to "dumb down" the conversation unless early on, I discover that they are "on my level", and if they are, subconsciously I am jealous...unless of course, they're men. Then I just want them to take me seriously.
Really, how intelligent of a person can I be if I gave up a person that loved me so much, if I've had so much sex without thinking about what it would end up doing to my psyche (I know I came to this website saying I was a virgin - I lied about it - one month after joining this website, I was with two guys in one night and made out with a girl I had just met), and I graduated high school with a 1.7 GPA?
People act like sex is just fun, like one can just do it with as many people as one wants to with absolutely no strings attached, and it will not affect them down the road. It's not true.
The truth is, that kind of behaviour makes one feel used, especially, and this is unfortunate, women.
Someone who I have kind of a respect/love/hate relationship with (at least that's how I'd classify it; I don't know about him) said I look better when I smile than when I seem to hate the world.
I've got a lot of reasons to hate the world, because it's f***ed me over a lot...but a lot of the time I've f***ed myself over.
I guess I'm just tired of it....
I always say it's time for a fresh start, but the truth is I don't really know how to go about creating a fresh start. Every time I try to do that, I get stuck in another rut. I kind of just want a normal life instead of this f***ed up one I have that is getting me absolutely nowhere.
Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)
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read more blogs!
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TroutFishing
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Mar 11 @ 12:29AM
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Start out by RESPECTING yourself and expecting
that everyone do the same - respect you.
If you leap before you look, you usually get into trouble and regret.
Decide who you want to be - then move in that direction -
no matter how slowly.
Decide to be happy - it is a choice.
Smile - it makes people wonder what you've been up to.
 
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missliss78
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Mar 11 @ 12:36AM
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Trout sums it up nicely....
and I'd like to add....quit beating yourself up about the past...& leave it there!
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redtigr
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Mar 11 @ 12:38AM
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I know you probably don't want to hear this, but what you are experiencing is not so different from anyone else. The thoughts and feelings you express here could have been my own - or very close to my own at certain times in my younger life. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and become whoever you want.
Eventually you'll meet people with whom you can more readily identify. High school isn't the real world any more than this place at times. Always trust your instincts and believe in yourself... and never talk down to anyone... If they can't keep up, it's their problem, not yours. Your problem is that intelligence is rare - and only about 5% of the population will be able to run with you.
It's up to you to make your world work for you. Behavior patterns can be changed. I ought to know as I am an excellent example of this ... 
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GenuineHarleyGirl
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Mar 11 @ 12:39AM
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Hey,
You are so young,, You are just evolving..testing the waters so to speak. Becoming, learning from the past..becoming stronger, wiser as a result of your mistakes. This is life..Just be true to yourself,, hey, gonna f**k up everynow and again, but dammit, you just keep on plugging away. Better for the experience.. Happy 21rst!! Now you're legal. lol    
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Spirit76
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Mar 11 @ 1:01AM
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Kiddo, it goes this way for men too... I lost a family, had three heart attacks, nearly lost my sight two years ago and have been through keeping parents alive for the last year. To top it off, I'm finally reaching out there again and risking my heart again with a bit of dating and socializing again.
1.7 GPA? Hell, I did worse at your age. I'm now corporate webmaster for a large aerospace company and am on my last two weeks of University of Phoenix with a 3.9GPA... And I'm going on to a PhD in about two years...
I'm 48 and optimistic about the future and I just wish I knew at 21 what I know now. If I were your father, and I practically could be, I'd wipe your tears, tell you that you are loved and to get your britches out there and keep on riding...
You can start over and there is no time like the present.
Jon
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Angel1964
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Mar 11 @ 1:30AM
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Life isn’t easy… every one deals with shit.. But we get passed it., and go on… So, you don’t like the way your life is going.. Change it!… We’ve all made mistakes, hurt ourselves and other people… So you learn from it, and try not to make the same mistakes… You’re a smart girl, if you can’t seem to get a handle on it.. Go talk to a therapist! Find out why you did the things you have done… So, you know why and try to change the behavior so you don’t repeat the same mistakes! Then leave it where it belongs.. In the past! You must love yourself first, or you’ll never truly be happy!
I wish you luck!
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Monsterboy
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Mar 11 @ 1:43AM
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First off, sweetie, we weren't lying. People stopped trying to convince you of it after you lost weight not because you were starting to be pretty, but because you started to believe it.
You know that disclaimer, "Past Performance is No Guarantee of Future Results"? Hon, for a variety of reasons, you made some suck-ass decisions. That's called being a screwed up kid. Happens all the time. Next! But growing up isn't just about learning not to make bad decisions -- we all make those -- it's about not binding yourself to the bad decisions you've made. You don't have to keep on being a screwed-up kid, but you have to admit that before you can get away from it. The unforgivable sin is the sin you refuse to be forgiven.
(And this isn't even about forgiveness, it's about packing up the crappy baggage and getting on with things.)
A lot of people are conditioned to be harsher critics on themselves than on others. They call it modesty, and to some degree it's a good thing -- overcomes the natural instinct to exaggerate your self-worth. But when it overbalances that and becomes a sucking wound to that self-worth, it's time to get some perspective.
Now, if I pointed to some kid on the street -- not some juvenile delinquent, mind you, but some nice young girl with self-esteem issues -- and told you that she wasn't intelligent or deserving of love because she'd gotten a 1.7 GPA, would you more want to
a) heartily agree with me
or
b) bite the offending finger off of my hand and spit it at me?
(Incidentally, I have no idea what my high school GPA was, because I didn't even pay that much attention back then, but I wouldn't be surprised if I was 1.7 or worse. Then I slacked my way through 2.5 years of a 2-year college. So you'll have to include me in whatever you say about yourself.)
Sex is fun, is all sorts of wonderful, unless it's tangled up in feelings of self-loathing. Like when you do it to feel better about yourself and are intelligent enough to realize that's what you're doing and hate yourself for it. That's like taking the finest meal you've ever had, and sprinkling it with just a touch of arsenic; a little poison can ruin a thing no matter how great it is otherwise.
You've had the other kind; how did it make you feel?
I've got a lot of reasons to hate the world, because it's f***ed me over a lot...but a lot of the time I've f***ed myself over.
So if you stop, then that's half your problem solved, isn't it? Easier said than done (says the man who strongly suspects he has sabotaged his own happiness and success throughout his life), but it can be done, and only by you.
We like you. We think you're a nice, attractive, intelligent woman. You can know this is true because there have been people around here who really are the sort of person you make yourself out to be, and they don't get people flocking to tell them otherwise (not for more than a blog or two); in fact they get a lot of people who ultimately tell them so and to get over it. So why are you so much pickier about this than we are?
Honey, people have it all wrong. Original sin wasn't pride. It was shame.
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PrettyGreenEyes578
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Mar 11 @ 5:17AM
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We do the best that we are able to with what we have to work with at the moment.
Life is a journey - a learning experience - and a lot of lessons - some good - some bittersweet.
Each Day Is A New Beginning.
I can relate to what you are saying and we are all dealt a different hand of cards - it is what we learn to do with the hand we are dealt!
P.S. I Love Your T-Shirt
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Skydognc
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Mar 11 @ 6:17AM
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You are no different or feel differently, than most young adults .
It will all come together for you, and it will all make sense , sooner or later....
just hang in there !
What they have said above........ cant say much more........ great advice here!
btw...... great pic!
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CHERUB1969
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Mar 11 @ 7:06AM
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Hey darling.... I was just having a conversation with my God daughter about self respect. I think it's time we all realize that we need to take responsibility for healing ourself and being harsh on yourself can be your worst enemy. It took me to 38 to become a "better" woman for myself with myself. I would love to shorten the pain cycle for younger woman in the world. It begins with finding value in your own life and not validating yourself through others. Easier said than done... but worth meditating on. By the way, I don't believe that analyzing the shit out of your "mistakes" will help... it can drive you crazy. If you work to recognize your value in the present moment... when issues come up... you will better handle them. Calling practicing your authentic self. Life is a journey and enjoy the ride. The experiences are just as exciting as reaching the goals. And if it makes you feel better. I've been in your shoes and have changed my life. But know that it is your LIFE that is most important in your world. That is not selfish.... it is how you feel real. Regret like you are feeling is too heavy for anyone to carry and never amounts to anything. The only time is the present. So start now, let go of the past and have faith in the future... it's all inside you!
Much love,
Robin Marie
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Blondino
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Mar 11 @ 7:19AM
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Lipgloss .....
Don't beat yourself up about the past ....its a constant and cannot be change
You can change the future and choose to be whoever you want to 
People chose how they are .... you are turning into a wise young owl .....
keep working on self awareness and good luck ( I know you hate advice so keeping it real ) 
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edthepoet
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Mar 11 @ 8:12AM
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Ok, yes, you truly do need move forward and never let your past determine what your future is going to be. Your only 21, therefore your can change your past much easier then someone who is 45.
The biggest problem you have is that the core of your totally nuked" the self-confidence part" This as you already live is one of the most difficult thing to overcome because there's no hiding from yourself and it has a grip on you 24/7.
The sexually part is the norm with women who feel like you do, it's there way of hugging the pain, yet in some strange way they feel that all the love they deserve, which is so far from the truth.
The issue of you grades at this point is meaningless, unless you address the core of your problems, all the other problems come from that single core issue.
Potential is an over used word because it has no true value unless it reaches it goal and it can actually crush a person if they believe they are living up to what others and what you believe you should be capable of.
I promise you can achieve many things you desire in your life if you learn to rebuild the core issue.
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Fender
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Mar 11 @ 8:31AM
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I just want to say I love that t-shirt, I want on!!!
Your a smart chick you'll know what to do. Everybody does stuff they regret sometimes. I have, and I am sure we all have.
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sciurusniger
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Mar 11 @ 9:44AM
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The fact that you can even articulate this puts you light years ahead of many people twice your age. Many will never really "get it" and simply exist, cluelessly miserable, for an entire lifetime.
The question, at least for me, is always, "Now that you know this, what are you going to do about it?" For knowledge without action means nothing. Doesn't mean the requisite action is immediately visible, but it does mean once you know you have different choices to make. Every single moment becomes your "fresh start" to move in the direction you know you need to be going.
So you have a past. Some of which you don't like. Who doesn't, really? In the end, though, it has made you who you are and you are better-armed than most to do something with it. Something good and fine.
But you can't move forward without leaving it behind.
Time to put down those "bags" and start walking, missy. Just put one foot in front of the other and the rest will start falling into place.
"mom"
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JimNastics
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Mar 11 @ 10:41AM
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There's tons of great advice above me from many good caring people.
The only thing I want to add to it is that the past is over.
It's up to you what your future becomes.
Let go of the past and start living the present.
It's here. It's now and it's yours to behold and enjoy.
The world is your oyster IF you learn the techniques to shuck it.
Make the decision to let go of the shackles of insecurity past failures
and confidently believe you CAN accomplish your goals, because honestly, you can.
Write those goals down and also all the steps necessary to achieve those goals.
Then, merely check each off, as you complete each step. It's really that simple.
Go get 'em Renae !!! 
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kattsmeow
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Mar 11 @ 2:14PM
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You know how I fee about you right? What these people before me said true ok?
Although, the person I will now quote, said it the best and I couldn't have said it better...
Sci
So you have a past. Some of which you don't like. Who doesn't, really? In the end, though, it has made you who you are and you are better-armed than most to do something with it. Something good and fine.
But you can't move forward without leaving it behind.
Time to put down those "bags" and start walking, missy. Just put one foot in front of the other and the rest will start falling into place.
You still have some strings attached to your past, slowly you need to sever them ok?
I also think you should look to next year at a college where you have to move away. Maybe not far, but to live away from home and the people from your high scholl that you see every day or when ever. Life is out there and you need to take the steps to grab the ring!
From your other "Mom".
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hoftner
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Mar 11 @ 7:36PM
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Mistakes...We all make them.
Forgiveness, is the key
to happiness However,sometimes
the keyhole is hard to find......
Thats life....Your'e on the path
to forgiveness. First step is to
acknowlege the mistake
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