~Getting Older~ posted 3/18/2008 10:22:54 PM | 5 kudos what's this?     report abuse

LipGlossQueen9

I remember when I turned ten. It was so cool to finally be "double digits". That was way back in the third grade. Honestly, I don't remember much about ten except that it was the first year I was really into wrestling.

When I was eleven, I went into therapy because I threatened to commit suicide.

When I was twelve, I was one year away from being a teenager. Everyone wanted to grow up when they were twelve. Now I'd give anything to go back to being twelve. When I was twelve, my mental illness began to show itself. I started to have fights in school and I was even suspended at one point for writing a death threat in my Language Arts journal.

When I turned thirteen, I was in sixth grade. That was the year that I started to be extremely OBSESSED with The Undertaker, and I was really open about it. When he took time off from WWF for an injury (this was way back when, when the WWF didn't tell its fans why wrestlers were taking vacations and instead made up storylines for it), some really mean kids told me he had heart disease and was going to die. I was extremely depressed for days, and I called the WWF Front Office Building in Greenwich, Connecticut. I also saw a film on Anne Frank that would forever change my life.

At fourteen, I rekindled my passion for politics and began to endure cruel, heartless teasing by my peers about my looks and my sexuality.

At fifteen, I began to form my own opinions after 9/11 about this country, its government, and the religion of Islam. The teasing got worse, and I became a recluse until the end of the school year. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was fifteen.

When I turned sixteen, I was a freshman in high school and the teasing was at its height. People were threatening to kill me and they were vandalising my personal property. Sometimes I had to be escorted around the school by a security guard...but I didn't care. I had the best friends in the world, and I always had a place to go and hang out after school. I was in a therapy group that would change my perspective on life and interactions with my peers to this day. I started dating Dan right after my sixteenth birthday in March of 2003. It was a rocky start. He didn't kiss me until May 31st. The first summer was magical...we would dance under the moonlight and stay in my bedroom for hours, exploring each others' bodies. He gave me a promise ring....some kind of synthetic stone and some kind of fake metal band...and promised to love me forever and ever and marry me. Then he hit me for the first time in August.

When I turned seventeen, I was a sophomore in high school and struggling to keep my relationship with Dan alive and functioning. His mother had said that we were not allowed to see each other outside of school because of the intensity of our relationship. We both wanted to die, but somehow we did it. I didn't realise it then, but he was abusive even back then. I look back at late 2003 and early-mid 2004 as one of the worst times in my life.

When I turned eighteen, I was a junior in high school. I had re-discovered The Beatles, and they became my new passion, my new obsession. John Lennon saved my life. I still look back at 2005 as the best year ever. I want to relive it more than anything. I was surrounded by friends the entire year. I was free from Dan, and the teasing had stopped. I was thin, I was pretty, and most of all...I was happy...with myself. What I wouldn't give to have that innocence and that idealism back.

When I turned nineteen, I was in the midst of the worst crisis I have ever experienced in my short life. Dan began to destroy my life and all my foundations began to crumble all around me. People I thought were my friends began to leave because they didn't know how to deal with what was the rock bottom point of my entire existence....and I discovered who my real friends were. I joined MD. I would miss school for weeks at a time. I drowned my sorrows in ice cream and gained fifty pounds. I became a shell of a human being and lost all my confidence and my entire sense of self....and I still haven't really gained them back.

When I turned twenty, I began to slowly recover from the horror that was the year 2006, but I would soon be led down a dark path. I was gripped by the talons of Neo-Nazism at the end of April 2007 as I fell in with a bad crowd. I met my ex boyfriend Rolf through this crowd and began to live with him at the end of June. He was one of the best influences on my life and I came closer to loving him than I have any other man....but it wasn't to be. I wasn't ready to love someone else. We broke up at the end of January just as my little sister went into the hospital. Just as my twentieth year came to a close, my family fell on hard times and I was forced to become more mature and independent, but also became depressed.

Now, at 21...I'd do anything to go back to childhood.

I feel that I've wasted my life, my youth, and my innocence. All I want is to be a child again. I feel old, and I feel obsolete. I will never feel happy with another birthday.

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