Someone who has commented on a few of my blogs told me that the root of my issues is that I'm "self-obsessed".
I never understood why being "self-obsessed", or "selfish", for that matter, was a negative thing. There was a time in my life when I wasn't "self-obsessed", and that was a time when I used to worry about other people too much, console other people too much, and help other people too much. I would spend hours on the phone with my friends and try to solve their crises, all the while using it as a way to ignore my own crises...which as you all can tell, are many. I've got a laundry list of issues that go back to early childhood, and I've put off dealing with them for years. Before I was "self-obsessed", I completely ignored my own issues in favour of focusing on other people's.
It's not that I don't care about other people, but I'm not going to be one of those people who only considers other people's feelings without any thought for my own. I have to be a person who puts myself first. I've been hurt, screwed, f***ed...whatever you want to say...too many times in my life because I was so unselfish and so willing to be everybody's best friend to not be selfish and not put myself first. Yes, there are a few people for whom I am still willing to help solve their crises and whom I put before me sometimes: my sister, Kelly, and Jeanine.
During the period in my life when I used other people's issues as a way to cover up my own and would try to solve everyone else's problems, people used to walk on me. I had this friend Ashley, who I only sometimes talk to now, who would call up every day with some small "crisis" and expect (yeah, actually expect, not ask) my advice. And I'd gladly give it to her because it was a way for me to not deal with what was going on with me.
And do you know what happened? I became happy, when really, I was hurting intensely inside now that I look back on it.
Another thing I've learned from being self-obsessed and being intensely introspective is that being happy gets me nowhere. I learn nothing when I'm happy. Sure, being happy is great, but if I were happy all the time, I'd be dumb as a potted plant. The times when I was happy were the times when I didn't bother to learn any life lessons. It was the times when I was depressed that I learned the lessons that have shaped the person that I am today.
So thank god for self-obsession, and thank god for depression, I say.
That may not be your philosophy, but it works for me.
Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)
|
|
read more blogs!
|