I guess after the last woman that could generate any real feelings for just stopped calling, writing, or even acknowledging me on the net, the reality of spending the rest of my life alone finally started to sink in. I used to get upset about it but that was before my brother in law fell ill to the big “C”. Now I watch from afar as the disease runs it’s course, try to help him and my sister come to grips with what is to come … and spend time, very late at night, sitting in my bed and wondering what will become of me when I have to face a similar fate. My sister and I talk on the phone fairly regularly now days and I’m planning a trip out to KC to see her & my brother-in-law so I can see him one last time and help him with a few private matters that I have rather suddenly become his most trusted advisor on and for.
I have no idea why. Well, that’s not exactly true. Unfortunately, I’m one of those types that gets stronger as the situation gets harder. When each of my parents died, I was the one that everybody seemed to turn to; in tough situations in and out of the military, when everyone started to panic, I was the one that had to be rock solid, give the orders and make everyone perform over and above. All from an early age diet of too much John Wayne, Superman, & Leave it to Beaver. My dad drove me to never be wrong, always have the answers, and not be afraid to tell it like it is. Strange, he always bragged about having those traits, although as I got older I learned they were more boasts than reality. Oh, I still very much loved the old boy and occasionally spend a sleepless night thinking about all the things I wanted to tell him, but a step-mother always stood in the way. No excuses, I should have made it happen, but I was too busy trying to live up to all his expectations that I somehow forgot to live up to some of my own. Funny how you can wake up the morning after a funeral, swing your feet out of bed, then wonder to yourself “now what?”.
The strange thing is that I have no regrets. I am the man I choose to be and I am exactly where I have chosen to be. I could have changed many things in my life, but for reasons known only to me, I am what I am and that’s just the way it is. I am a difficult person at times, hard to live with and probably impossible to love. No pity intended, just facing the reality of that first sentence of this blog. I often wonder how many people out there some to that same conclusion. Especially when we have that time to sit and look inward, wanting so desperately to find somebody we can love and who will actually love us the same way. Perhaps that is part of growing older; realizing the limitations we put on ourselves as well as realizing those same things so limit our future opportunities.
I know when the time comes, I’ll still be the one that has to be strong. There will be no time for tears or begging for another day or two. I’ll be too busy taking care of the others around me and too busy dying to really have time for myself. But then again, that’s the way it’s always been and it’s worked so far, so why change a good thing? I guess that’s my real quality of life, knowing my immense flaws and shortcomings; knowing there isn’t anything more I can do about them, but knowing those are the things that make me uniquely me.
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read more blogs!
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theretiredplayer
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Mar 26 @ 2:31AM
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Dude you don't have to be alone you just need some game. You need to get offline with the women. You just need the skills to get the women you want. Check The Retired Player just Google the name.
The Retired Player
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sybnann
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Mar 26 @ 2:50AM
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Have you considered just finding the nearest singles group and meeting the people in your area face to face??? It truly can be a lot more fun, and in that way, you can make a circle of friends and get to know people, REALLY know them, rather than depending on a cyber friend.
Just a suggestion dear!
God Bless and Good Luck! 
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Chickapea
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Mar 26 @ 3:11AM
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I think we all wonder about these things. I recently decided since I live 100 miles from my family , To move closer to them as I have heart problems and I want to make it easier for My eldest daughter. That WHAT IF syndrome has been on my mind. She is a teacher and she just can,t drop her class and run up here when things get worse.
People don,t seem to inderstand. I have lived away from Philadelphia for 15 years making a dream come true to be near the mountains. But life has changed and so have I ? I,m not as independent as I once was .
As I have gotten older I don,t feel as secure being alone.
A relationship is out of the question at this point as my priorities have changed .
I make jokes , Make light of things, But in the end I am still thinking about the kids and what I,m leaving on them to take care of .
We make the best with what we have, And untill people actually get older , They do not understand . As I was also the same way.
I thought I was inviinsible, It happens to someone else , It will never happen to me . It happens to us all and we all get a turn.
Its how we choose to handle the situation that matters the most.
I suddenly appresiate the tiniest things , I giggle with my cat and she loves to make me giggle when she tickles me with her tail. She will go out of her way to make me laugh . I send cards and write letters to let those I love know how much I care .
Some have no isea and thats good . Its all how we look at life and things.
I have been blessed with something some people never get .
TIME-------- 
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oppositeview
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Mar 26 @ 3:12AM
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I can so agree with your blog. When all around me are losing their heads... I've got my head screwed on good and am working around the problem.
But, I can't get beyond 'hello' with a woman. So, I've stopped trying. And no, that's not when you meet someone. Just wanted to mention that! 
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Fender
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Mar 26 @ 8:15AM
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From what I have seen in my time here from reading your blog's and comments here and there you are a smart man, with alot of intelligence and wit. I hope you have a good and safe trip.
Your not the only one who has wondered "now what", after that.
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yashaenka
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Mar 26 @ 8:21AM
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Quality of life is directly proportional to what you put into life!
The better you feel about self, the more comfortable you are in your own skin, the happier you will become.
Consider this: You cannot make another love you or make them happy, all that you can do is love them and be supportive to assist them in finding their own happiness. Love and happiness only can be found within oneself and it seems strange, but it is true; If you do not love yourself then how can you expect anyone else to love you.
It is true that love comes when least expected and it always seems to come from a source you yourself was not seeking by any means, including the internet.
You seem to be a realist bordering on a fatalist by the words above, yet you are still a young man, not a old man chronologically. Age is a state of mind.
It is true that we all are separated by six degrees of separation so the more outgoing one is the more people one will encounter. Get off your buns, make your body as young as it can be by exercising and the most holistic diet you can. Stand up and be counted by being the best you can be, and that special someone will find you if you are active enough to give her a chance.
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warmc
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Mar 26 @ 8:49AM
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Dont feel alone Im inthe same boat But I do have a 10yr old holding me back but I dont care its worth it to be here for her and do for here
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RomanticLibra106
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Mar 26 @ 9:44AM
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I agree 100% with Yashaenka! It is never too late to change what you feel is holding you back from getting what you want. Also perception in life is everything! What we perceive becomes our reality so if you don't like the 'script' you've written for yourself, RE-WRITE IT. Only YOU can do that, Ms. Right IS out there but only if you believe it and start seeing the good in you and not the negative. We all have our flaws, but if one of them is holding you back from what you want, change it. We CAN have it all. We are MEANT to have it all but we're the ones who must believe it and bring it to us. People with cancer and other terminal diseases are here to show us for one thing that life is too short this time to waste a single minute of it. Go after what you want - believe it is here for you - do whatever you need to but create your own happiness. You can do it. We all can. BELIEVE! Many blessings to you.
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JimNastics
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Mar 26 @ 10:56AM
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Al, you have a LOT going for you. Any woman in the appropriate age range,
who is serious about having a committed relationship, would be nuts not to
consider such an upstanding insightful intelligent guy.
Ladies - my advice is to grab this guy, before some other intelligent woman does. 
after the last woman that could generate any real feelings for just stopped calling, writing, or even acknowledging me on the net
This just means it's time to say "next"
My question is - since your 'opening sentence' how many women have you actually initiated contact with ?
No offense, but having witnessed your relative lack of involvement on here,
my guess is close to zero and that's a pity,
because you have a terrific sense of humor.
If you're waiting for some beauty to knock on your door and say "do any
available men live here ?" that's just not likely to happen.
Although it initially can seem tedious/painful to get back in the saddle for prospecting,
once you get into it, have some fun. Yes, you might possibly EVENTUALLY
die lonely, if you NEVER do something about it.
But, get off your butt and start involving yourself.
Become part of the conversations. Joke, laugh, talk and become interested.
Then, you'll be surprised at how many women ask you, "are you married ?" or
"what does your wife think about that ?" (same question). 
If a woman doesn't ask you that question after a lengthy conversation,
ask her if she knows any single friends, sisters or cousins.
A lot of times, you'll hear them say "I'm single" or if not, they will set you up.
And by the way, age is a lame excuse. 
The older a man gets, the higher the ratio of single women to single men.
Sorry to hear about your brother-in-law. 
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missliss78
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Mar 26 @ 6:30PM
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Injuneer, I always enjoy reading your blogs.
You know, there are probably many more people out there like yourself than you realize. Me, I'd love to have that someone special in my life, but I'm beginning to become convinced, as well, there's no one there. I've always said to my friends..."Oh, I'm not looking...when it's time, it will come to me." Yet, there have been times I have looked...but I usually get shot down. So then, I convince myself again..when the time is right for the right one, he will find me. It all just gets to be a vicious cycle. I, too, now, seem to devote myself to others & don't take a heck of a lot of time for myself....and as I read your blog, I find myself just hoping that when I need to be strong & keep my head on straight (if & when I lose my mother) that I will be able to do.
Thanks for the post.
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