Fear has me in a deadly grip. It is an anniversary time for me again -- the anniversary of a time of searching that resulted in epiphany.
I am again searching. That part is not at all pleasant. Six years ago it meant three weeks of almost continuous crying. This time around I lie paralyzed on my bed and play computer games and read and post to angry forum threads and do computer searches and find myself weepy and notice that during some part of each day I cry.
A friend has given me a hypnotherapy session. I have partial memories that are bits and pieces of recurrent themes. They do not make sense to me, but they are obviously charged. They are still photographs. My mind will not let me recall the actions, the circumstances that make the snapshots significant. I only feel the despair that haunts my present and seems to originate in that distant past.
My freedom, my joy, my very life, depend on illuminating this darkness and discovering a way of unlocking the power of the past over me -- a past of which I have no real cognizance. I believe that our minds choose to give us the least pain. It is hard for me to imagine what my unconcious has deemed more painful than the state in which I presently find myself.
I do not yet know the path I shall take to open new doors (or old). I am trusting that, in a manner like the hypnotherapy session and my epiphany of six years ago, the route will evidence for me.
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stephendedalus
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Apr 11 @ 5:07PM
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Several years ago, I got cadmium poisoning from the cadmium red and yellow paint I use. I have been using naturopathic methods to get it out of my system, which takes a really long time. Every so many months, I get terrible pain in my kidneys and urinary tract and I pass a tiny kidney stone. These spells have become less frequent, farther apart, which means the cadmium is almost gone.
Sometimes when the mind has to digest terrible grief, it takes a really long time to filter it out and the conscious mind will let it out a bit at a time over a long period, until the mind has healed and the grief is nothing more than a tender spot, a distant discomfort. Sometimes it takes a while, but I think your suffering is a sign of healing, not of anything wrong. Just let it flow throught you, sometimes it hurts, but in time and with new expeiences and hopeful inspiration, like new love or something that shows a possibility of things getting better, this too shall pass. Kinda like a kidney stone.
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keeno
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Apr 11 @ 7:07PM
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lacy, there has always been a difference in our family histories, depending on which one of us you talk too. and when i talk to my sisters i am always amazed at what they remember compared to how i either don't remember it or experienced it completely differently. i will add that i am the oldest by 2 and 4 years. i had an "aha" moment the other day after my sister read one of my blogs. my reality is that i was raised lovingly by my grandparents, those are what i remember from my childhood. the aha moment was when my sister asked me just how much time i thought i spent on the farm. it turns out i blocked out many years of my childhood because of abuse i don't even remember suffering.
i have tried to live life for today with hope for tomorrow for many years. well at least since returning from viet nam. i hope you find the healing you need. thanks for sharing a part of yourself with us. 
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wandaful123
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Apr 11 @ 8:42PM
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Good luck on your journey if this is the route you do indeed need to take.
Sometimes the now is really all is necessary... the present, you know, a gift. I don't know that knowing all the details to what brought us here should darken the fact that, well, here we are...
I wish you peace. 
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sweetgypsysoul
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Apr 12 @ 2:12AM
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Peace on your path, my friend. Life is the journey, not the destination. We are, all of us, a work in progress. (and a few more cliche truisms tossed in) Some lessons are harder than others to uncover. Kudo for being one who is actively healing. Kudo for sharing such a deep part of yourself. It's all good. It's all life.
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Mission_Impossible139
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Apr 12 @ 2:43AM
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It's sounds to me like you are looking for something evil in the past. Thats a dangerous path unless you like to dwell in the dark caverns within those "Doors of Perception". We all cry more as we get older unless you you are one of those, for lack of a sensitive word, stupid people. Let the tears flow for almost nothing. Move onward and upward. You aren't lost, you are one of the few amongst billions who lives that privileged life. Geez Louise snap out of that addiction to that dark therapist and come back to us.
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atropos319
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Apr 12 @ 11:22PM
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I've now read this several times and remain convinced that there is absolutely nothing I could write or say to fix or speed up this process for you, though the temptation is there.
There is only one, tiny thing that I can offer ...
I am here. Without judgment. Without advice. Should the need arise and should the comfort level exist.
Be well, Lacy. 
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