New paradigm posted 4/20/2008 1:48:08 PM | 2 kudos what's this?     report abuse tagged: moving on, disappointment

HighlandsLass

Lodi, by John Fogerty

Just about a year ago, I set out on the road,
Seeking my fame and fortune, Looking for a pot of gold.
Things got bad, and things got worse, I guess you will know the tune.
Oh ! Lord, Stuck in Lodi again.

Rode in on the Greyhound, I'll be walking out if I go.
I was just passing through, Must be seven months or more.
Ran out of time and money, Looks like they took my friends.
Oh ! Lord, I'm stuck in Lodi again.

The man from the magazine said I was on my way. Somewhere I lost connections, ran out of songs to play. I came into town, a one night stand, Looks like my plans fell through
Oh ! Lord, Stuck in Lodi again.

If I only had a dollar, for ev'ry song I've sung. And ev'ry time I've had to play
While people sat there drunk.You know, I'd catch the next train back to where I live.
Oh ! Lord, I'm stuck in Lodi again.
Oh ! Lord, I'm stuck in Lodi again.
I walked down to the mailbox yesterday. It’s a ten minute walk, down and back, and great exercise—so I plan the excursion regularly, mail or no. I’ve been looking for a letter from the only school where I applied for my MFA. Yesterday was eureka.

I carefully picked up the envelope, leaned against the row of federally approved boxes I’ve planted – the ones that represent my dozen plus years of love and labor here and the resultant rental income that allows me to live as I choose. The envelope opens easily and I am devastated. I was not selected.

The program would have started in September. Packets for future terms will not be accepted until 2009, March for this particular school, January through February for other schools. For a program that won’t begin until September. 2009.

It feels like a death sentence. Not that I don’t enjoy a wonderful life here, I do. I’ve cycled through several of them, actually. But—and here’s the rub—I’ve been here twice as long (well, come September, anyway) as I have lived anywhere. I am an adventuress. A rootless wanderer. I can even say that with a convincing New Zealand accent. I’ve skied Mont Blanc. Mountain biked and hiked the Zugspitz. Kayaked Lake Garda. Paraglided off Gschwendd. White water rafted the Inn. Done the Chatuge, Ocoee, and Nantahala in a ducky. I ride my horses bareback and halter reined.

I’ve tamed my acreage here, more than doubled the square footage of my house, remodeled one and built three rental units. I’m tired…. Or at least I keep telling myself that. But you know, the truth may just be that I’m so damned driven that I can’t allow myself to relax and enjoy the fruits of my labors.

So, new paradigm. I am wrapping myself in the luxury of home and hearth, beginning today. Yes, I’ll still go out on the tractor regularly, work in the pottery studio, paint to my hearts content, tend the horses, and perform regular maintenance on the property. I’ll do my Pilates and yoga, walk as far and often as I can, reveling in the wonders that abound. I may even go ahead and install the hardwood floors I’ve denied myself, since I was definitely moving soon.

But I promise to enjoy the Jacuzzi more often, add extra smile time to my days, sunbathe by the creek or the patio pool, and plant more colorful perennials in the garden. I’ll wander out at night again, just to look at the stars.

I guess what I’m saying is, no matter how great my disappointment, I’ll live. Life goes on.

I’ll keep looking for a way to reach cooler climes, experience more adventures, lap up all that life has to offer. But I refuse to be stuck. I live here now, and may be staying awhile, but it will not be my Lodi.

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