The Game....Part I posted 5/5/2008 5:20:28 PM | 13 kudos what's this?     report abuse

LaughTillYaPuke

Treading water. Spinning you wheels. Walking in place. It's movement, but you never actually get anywhere. Online dating. The swamp where only the fearless dare to tread. It's like the Lord of the Rings. You can see the bodies floating just under the surface. Alive, yet still somehow dead. Morbid maybe, but an apt description I think. I have now done 3 rounds in one year. Am I the only honest one here? The only one willing to tell the truth?

Who gives a damn, someone's got to break the ice so that those bodies can float to the surface and breath. The first was a man from Wales. I chose well. We had a ton in common and made each other laugh. We also found in a short period of time that we really wanted to have contact for the rest of our lives. That while passion was a possibility, our immediate bond of friendship would more than likely be forever. We chose success. We do still email, but talk on the phone more often than not. Our children have become pen pals, and care packages once a month are the norm. He would be the one to hold my hand through the next online relationship.

I met the next on the same site as the first. I have talked about this relationship previously. It's no secret. We started out as friends with a relationship being the furthest thing from our heads. He is the one I went public with. I was that confident about him. He was the one that made me feel 18 again. Innocent, trusting, hopeful. Anything was a possibility.

And of course with those emotions comes the capabilities to crash and burn at an even more astounding spectacle than with any other relationship. You can't be a girl who smiles and sets your heart on a table with total trust without taking some serious chances. I took them all. At my age I really don't have the right to be as shocked and stunned as I was when it all came to it's bloody conclusion. But I truly was. I think that's when the pain is the most great. At it's largest. When you realize the person you knew doesn't exist anymore. And even worse, much, much worse? That you had sides to your own personality that you didn't even know existed. I could have lived without both of those realizations.

But I will say this to the nay-sayers. Online relationships CAN be very real. I agree that many are not. But if you are willing to make the effort, they entail much more trust, commitment, and dedication than living with someone. Granted, you are allowed the fantasy element that you tend to lose while living with someone. But trust, commitment and dedication are incredibly difficult to produce long term. And when we placed our bets, I threw those three on the table and more. And perhaps that one act makes me the idiot who deserved all that she got.

The last was a man who I clicked with straight away. It quickly became clear that he was one of those few rare "good' men. And I felt that if I had learned nothing else, I was ready to love a good man. Was I rushing? No. I was willing to take years to see where things went. We were just friends after all. He was not willing to wait. And I understand that too. I remember how I felt with the previous man. So I agreed to meet. He needed to know if I was the one. The thought of a long distance relationship with a woman who he had no idea if he really cared for her, was just too much for him. He wanted to meet now. So sure, let's find out.

I went, we met, we had a wonderful time. He was a perfect gentleman. We laughed, hiked, took pictures of all the wonders of his ancient land. But it was obvious to me that there was nothing there. I could love him forever as a friend, and I did not consider the trip a loss or a waste. So I came home and did what I do best. I wrote. A blog. All of my/our friends were wondering how it all went. They were living vicariously through us after all. This was a HUGE jump for anyone to take. And it WOULD be interesting looking on the outside in. Here were two people who had a riot in the forums, but never claimed love or anything extreme to one another. This was the experiment of the year. Is it possible to fall in love with someone that your thoroughly enjoy?

So I came home and wrote a blog about my wonderful trip. This incredible man and the wonders of his homeland. And I told the world that we were as comfortable with each other as if we had known one another for 20 years. But that there had been no great love affair. No outrageous passion. That we had never even held hands. And I found out later that I had stabbed a good man. Right in the heart. That how I felt wasn't necessarily how he felt. That I had told the world, but that he himself was shocked at my neutrality.

We were both wrong. We should have talked about things. At least on the way back to the airport. Our excuse? My excuse? I was burned out for sure. The time difference, jet lag, going non-stop...I was at the end of my physical endurance. His excuse? I don't know. Either way, it doesn't matter. We ended up losing a good friendship. I couldn't give him what he wanted. He was hurt about the blog, confused, and wanted time to readjust. I became hurt as well. I felt the trip HAD been worth it. Unable to see that my way of flying by the seat of my pants, meeting strangers who become friends for life, is not everyone's way.

Three incredible men. One was for keeps. And the Welshman and I talk about it all. His dates, my personal life, our kids, writing, our hopes, dreams, and determination to meet before we attend each others funerals.

The second was a flash in the sky. It burned bright, intense and left me just as fast. And of course, that is the one that I loved. Don't ask me why. Suffice it to say that the man he was when he was with me, was the man I saw in my future. My rock to stand on in this filthy stinking cess pool of internet dating. He was a mirror of the qualities of my father. The utter belief in one man to be able to accomplish anything probably isn't fair to anyone. But that is what he was to me. What it was to him, only he knows.

The third, was a kind wonderful man who I crashed and burned. Because if we are going to be honest here, let's tell it all. I was the one who was inadvertently cruel. Unintentional? Yes. Does that make it any less painful? No. Let my foolishness be known. I'm nothing if not honest about my mistakes.

Because maybe that is what is lacking in most of these experiences. The ability to own up to what you bought and paid for yourself. To be able to look in the mirror, no matter how repulsive it is and to be able to acknowledge what is looking back at you. It is never all one sided, but partners must take accountability for their own actions. How they participated and what they bargained with. Because I have come to the conclusion that this must be a game.

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Blogs by LaughTillYaPuke: The Mother Tree Colors The Most Beautiful Place on Earth Mother Barn In The Beginning TESTIFY!!! She's a Real Mother Alright..... Sharp Dead Toe Nails Melee Come to Life The Game....Part III The Game....Part II The Game....Part I Portrait........Portrayal Cold Puke in Blog Land