The Game....Part II posted 5/5/2008 5:36:34 PM | 16 kudos what's this?     report abuse

LaughTillYaPuke

Because maybe that is what is lacking in most of these experiences. The ability to own up to what you bought and paid for yourself. To be able to look in the mirror, no matter how repulsive it is and to be able to acknowledge what is looking back at you. It is never all one sided, but partners must take accountability for their own actions. How they participated and what they bargained with. Because I have come to the conclusion that this must be a game.

We place our bets, up the ante, go a few more turns round the table to give everyone a chance to stay or fold. But in the end, when we count our chips, what have we really won? One didn't want my heart once he'd won it. I didn't want another's. We lay out our cards and nobody has a damn pair. And here we sit looking at the mess that we have created on the center of that table and look at each other. Who's gonna clean that up? Who wants to claim it? And how did we all end up holding a joker? Who the hell dealt this hand anyway?

I look around at the aftermath of others failed attempts as well as mine, and I wonder why no one is owning up to the part that they played in it. How is it that it's always the other person that is a lurking bastard? Have we no accountability? At least to ourselves? I don't want to make these same mistakes again. And I think if we don't take a gander, really look at the whole picture, then you can't ever change your own behavior and how it played a part in it. How juvenile does one have to be to stand their crying, pointing a finger at someone and saying "they did it'"?

A good friend asked me recently if I would do it all again. Are my regrets so big that I can't see the positive? Of course I can. I can still feel the absolute wonder and enchantment of seeing someone move, talk and smile at me in real time. And how all of those little (huge) things up your commitment to participate in this game. She dared me to blog about it. Tell the truth. Make people look at online dating with a realistic eye and to force them to see where the pit falls lie. I could write 20 blogs on what to look our for...the most common mistakes. But in the end, I think you have to be accountable for your own actions. At the end of the race, it is only your behavior that you have control over.

But yes, I CAN see both the good and the bad in all three of those relationships. Would I do it all again? God no. Absolutely not. I would do it so differently. Heck, if I had to do it over again, I don't know if I would have ever joined a dating site. Not that it hasn't been fun, exciting, and at times filled with hope. It's just taken so much more from me that I was ever willing to give. Or, if I'm going to take my own advice, I have given much more than I ever planned on. And in some ways, I wish I had it back.

But if I change one moment from the past, it changes my present and my future as well. If I hadn't been so hurt I don't think I EVER would have put my writing in public. If I had never put my writing in public, I would have never met so many wonderful people. And even had my own fire re-lit many times. I also would have never known that my thoughts on screen could touch others. Maybe even change lives. If only for a minute or two. I would have never pushed myself harder, become more focused, and looked to this opportunity to write as something worthy in my future.

So no, I don't want to do it again. Ever. But I also don't want to give up what I have gained. I found more of myself in all this. That I don't always have to be a "doer", a "giver". That every once in a while I can accept praise for an accomplishment. It doesn't always have to be for others. That maybe it's my time to be selfish and do a few things for myself. And maybe that is where I am at. You hear it all the time. "I'm not willing to settle", and I won't. I can own up to my own mistakes. My crimes against others. But I also expect the same respect. I NEED to be able to pursue my own dreams, but is it so much to freaking ask for some support? Someone to be proud of my accomplishments?

Is it so much to ask that a person be honest about who and what they are? What their plans and intentions are? Can we really count on another person for those simple things? In real life or online, I'm not so sure. At least when they are in front of you, you have something to base your decisions on. So maybe it's not the capability to love that so many lack, perhaps it's the ability to look in the mirror and say out loud what they are willing to bet. How far they are willing to go. Because I think that unless and until we can be honest with ourselves, I don't think we can be honest with anyone else.

So I stand on the edge of all my choices. My experiences pushing me on to new things. My memories dragging me back. And I want to shuck off these memories like wet clothes. Ripping them off while they still try to cling to my cold, wet body. You see? I AM the chick with the backpack saying SCREW YOU, I'm moving on. Using these experiences to create a new me. And maybe I'm just stubborn enough, and just enough of a bitch to pull it off. My anger and frustration can turn into something so astounding that I tend to succeed where all else has failed. Because I truly believe that every moment of greatness I've ever had has come from some overwhelming obstacle. Some huge heart break.

Can't have children....get the hell out of my way, I'm going to adopt. You want to up and leave me? Then move over, I'm going to write, and this time...I'm going to throw it out to the world. I have nothing more to lose. Let them do with it as they will. But sink or swim....we're going to find out if there IS anything worthy in me. Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. But it has allowed me to grow, morph and change whenever I feel the need. And so far, finding a way around the negative has only led me to positive things.

So now I have taken this break and begun to clean. The first sign of major change. I'm not talking about doing dishes here. I'm talking about getting down and dirty. Women clean just before their life changes and the baby comes. We clean just before we crawl in the tub and pull the trigger, and we clean just before someone dies. It's our way. It's preparing for the inevitable. It's the cleaning up of our past before we can see the future clearly. It's the warped mentality of not leaving the mess of our discontent behind. Of not making another bear our burdens and have to look at our past. It's the washing of the dead bodies preparing them for burial.

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Blogs by LaughTillYaPuke: Trees Around My Heart The Mother Tree Colors The Most Beautiful Place on Earth Mother Barn In The Beginning TESTIFY!!! She's a Real Mother Alright..... Sharp Dead Toe Nails Melee Come to Life The Game....Part III The Game....Part II The Game....Part I Portrait........Portrayal Cold Puke in Blog Land