The Game....Part III posted 5/5/2008 6:26:11 PM | 15 kudos what's this?     report abuse

LaughTillYaPuke

So now I have taken this break and begun to clean. The first sign of major change. I'm not talking about doing dishes here. I'm talking about getting down and dirty. Women clean just before their life changes and the baby comes. We clean just before we crawl in the tub and pull the trigger, and we clean just before someone dies. It's our way. It's preparing for the inevitable. It's the cleaning up of our past before we can see the future clearly. It's the warped mentality of not leaving the mess of our discontent behind. Of not making another bear our burdens and have to look at our past. It's the washing of the dead bodies preparing them for burial.

Men turn cold. The looks and words that freeze you to your soul. So hard and so fast that it make you immobile. But if you can break past that and see the sun shining through the windows.....it makes the dirt all the more noticeable doesn't it girls? It's why women chop their hair off into new sassy hair cuts and drop 15 pounds after the divorce. It's why we throw everything on the lawn with a "make me an offer" sign. It's the lightning of the load. The exposing, yet again, to others and ourselves to our endless possibilities. It's recognizing these gifts for ourselves. For how can others acknowledge it unless we are able to?

And so maybe that is what we are doing here. Waiting for someone to make us an acceptable offer. Not so bad really. But not so great either. Is it wrong to want the exceptional? Or at least what would be exceptional to us as individuals. I don't want someone just to "have someone". I couldn't give a shit what anyone else thinks of me and my choice to be single or part of a couple. I couldn't have pulled it off for this long if it worried me. Again, let's go for a bit of honesty. Take a look in your email box.....how many have you got in there? A couple hundred? A thousand? All knocking at your door, all thinking your the ONE. Like there is only one certain soul on this earth that can complete us. What are you going to do? Respond to each of them with hope and perhaps even a bit of anxiety? Or are you like me and you can weed through 50 of them without seeing a possability? It's not that I'm overly jaded (or maybe I am) and maybe I'm expecting way too much out of a first, second, twentieth letter. Maybe it's the writer in me that is looking for the right words to stop me dead in my tracks.

It's the heavy stuff that puts me off I think. Don't make me go into details, this blog(s) are going on much longer than they should as it is. But every once in a while I find one that makes me smile, snicker or even laugh until I wheeze a bit. And those are the ones that I click reply on faster than you can blink. And then the game begins. Once a man has gotten me to respond, he's got an opportunity to show me what he's got. What he's made of. Stick your wallet in your pocket. Put the pictures of your kids back on the mantle. Let's not talk about past relationships right away unless you have learned something profound that has changed the way you view the world and your place in it. It's you baby. It's you I'm looking at right now. Nothing else. Because if you are looking at someone for more than just flirty fun, in the end, your going to be spending a great deal of time together. You had best spend some time figuring each other out.

I've mentioned this before, but I was married for 9 years and that man never had a clue as to what my true passion was. And my one online relationship, he never knew either. Why? He never asked. See? If I'm interested in you, I'm going to want to know what your shooting for. I don't plan on treading water with someone while we both try to doggy paddle to the other side of life. I plan on being their support system, their motivator, giving them the knowledge that they are never alone and that they have my support. And that's what I'm looking for in return. But how can you ever do that if you never even freaking ASK what their destination is?

But I also don't believe in advertising your soul to the world. There has to be some way to weed out the gawkers from the participants. And maybe it's the ones who have the guts to ask the hard questions at the right time that are the ones ready for the long haul. The realists that understand that the fantasy is only that, that a real person resides behind that picture. They laugh, they eat, they play, they weep. And I think it's the ones that ask the real questions that I don't mind seeing me with my shoulders shaking when I'm laughing. That I don't have to cover my face when the tears roll. That I don't have to wait until the lights are turned off to say the hard stuff. The scary stuff. For fear of how they will react.

So I finally really have turned cold. I now read an email and if it's not someone I'm interested in...I send a nice reply and then block them. Done. Fini. I do realize that they are potential friends. But baby, I'm not keeping up with the whole friends thing as it is. Pammy called me and I just about fell over. Within 30 second we were chattering like a couple of squirrels. And to be honest, if it weren't for the darn phone poking into my neck, it was like we were right next to each other. Like we had been best friends for years and I knew at that moment that I wanted her in my life for good. She lets me run wild. She lets me come back tired, scraggly and full of stories of my adventures. She doesn't freak when I don't write her back for two weeks. She love me. And now I search for that kind of bond with a man. That acceptance and firm knowledge in knowing that solid relationship is always right there behind me just waiting for me to turn around. And yeah, I'm willing to be his brick wall too. His army of one always willing to help him fight for what he's striving for.

So in conclusion of this long winded narrative, online dating blows the big kazoo. That maybe it's not that we have to lower our standards to find the right one, just be more realistic. All I know is that while I am still floundering in this waste land, the rest of my life tools on without a hitch. The uphill climbs only strengthening my body and mind for the next adventure in life. That the gold nuggets I found while digging around in the mud here have become another brick in my foundation for the future. Friends and relationships that have stood the test of time. That we have walked through the grave yards together, held hands through pregnancy scares, and wiped more than a few tears off of each others faces. Those few souls that I have let into my inner sanctuary. Not the pen pals, but the few that I would catch a plane for tomorrow if they needed me. And they know who they are. So I have found love online. Just maybe not the kind I came looking for.

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Blogs by LaughTillYaPuke: Enough Already Trees Around My Heart The Mother Tree Colors The Most Beautiful Place on Earth Mother Barn In The Beginning TESTIFY!!! She's a Real Mother Alright..... Sharp Dead Toe Nails Melee Come to Life The Game....Part III The Game....Part II The Game....Part I Portrait........Portrayal Cold Puke in Blog Land