She's a Real Mother Alright..... posted 5/11/2008 10:01:16 AM | 12 kudos what's this?     report abuse

LaughTillYaPuke

I looked down this week and saw my mothers hands coming out of my sleeves. Totally freaked me out. I have always been grateful to have most of my fathers features. She is a beautiful woman, don't get me wrong. But for some reason, she and I never bonded.

I was a surprise baby. One that she certainly wasn't hoping for. She and my father got married and blended their families way before it was considered cool. My dad even went so far as to adopt her three children. She was not as accepting of his son David. I think it was more of a situation of hers, and theirs. I don't think she wanted to be reminded that he had a past. You have to feel sorry for the kid.

So there was really two separate generations of kids. My 4 oldest siblings were 12, 14, 18, and 21 when I was born. And of course there is my sister Becky. Now that I am older I can see that there must have been a fair amount of jealousy on their parts. I'm sure they felt replaced in many ways.

She lives in Florida now and we have the best relationship we have ever had. Absence may not make the heart grow fonder, but it certainly makes things more tolerable. She raised us girls to believe that men were one giant penis. That they only wanted one thing, and that they could not form a complete sentence without staring at your boobs. I chose to listen to dad when it came to men. I figured he WAS one, so he probably had the details right.

But it was mom I would be stuck dealing with my whole life. The woman wasn't happy unless she was in complete control. And of course, she was "blessed" with me. I have heard more than once in my life..."I can't STAND that child." And really, you have to give her some points for honesty. She had a fit when she found out my father had named me after her, giving me the exact same name. (they used to knock them out with some wicked shit back in the day) She went so far as to legally change her name within 6 months of his death.

Besides the penis/boobs/sex thing, she did teach me one other thing. A girl took hom-ec classes in college to meet a man and get married. Period. The fact that I refused to only wedged us farther apart.

So my sister Becky, who is 18 months older than me took over the important aspects of raising me. No small feat when you consider the fact we hated each other, as most siblings do while growing up. I lost a tooth, I took it to Becky. I was hungry, she taught me how to make rice. I got my first period, wait.....I went to dad for that one. But you get the general idea.

My mother is the type of woman that you can not possibly have a bad day with. No matter what you are going through or what you have had happen to you, SHE has suffered worse. From poverty, to breast cancer, to infertility (she has 5 children people) crappy cars and unfaithful men. She's mother courage. She is the queen of martyrs, and tops it all off by perpously mispronouncing things. This is outragously funny if she is not your mother.

When you treat her to a meal at Culvers, she will state loudly that it is the worst burger she has ever eaten. And then ask you if you are you going to finish yours. She pronounces Ophra, Okra. Maurey Povich is Maurey Povick, Pepcid is Pepcide. And will stomp into a McDonalds and ask for a "Senior Citizens coke WITH NO ICE." She will NOT be ripped off by some pimply ass kid cramming ice into her glass.

When in your home, your food is not hot enough, your children are brats, and your spoiling them rotten. "Is that a grey in your hair?" She even claimed my daughter was a tramp at the age of 3. "Will you just LOOK at how that child walks!"......"She's pigeon toed mother." Sigh. When I got a sassy new short hair cut, I looked like a dyke. When my nephew wanted braces she claimed he was gay. "Only gay men worry about how pretty their teeth look." My niece was a kleptomaniac when she stole a pack of bubble gum. And my sister was vain and shallow for painting her nails. The list goes ON people. She is the most negative person I know. This can make it very difficult for the people who tend to be positive.

So we, as a group of children who love each other, guard each others secrets from the all knowing Goddess. But there is one thing that will make us turn on each other at the first opportunity. Fresh meat. Potential mates. And nothing will get us running home faster than someone whispering.....I think he/she is THE ONE.

I have taken two men home to meet my family in 42 years. She would cross her legs, lean back in her chair and grin like Satan himself. Wait until all of the attention was on her and then begin firing questions our of her machine gun mind.

Well hello! Do you go to church? How many children do you have? Why aren't your children with you? How many sexual partners have you been with? Your 35 and have never been married? What's wrong with you that no other woman wants you? How big is your penis? My daughter is quite small you know, and not much is going to fit in there. (Oh Dear God, just shoot me now) What kind of job do you have? How much money do you make a year? Do you own your own home? Can you afford my daughter? You drive a truck? You know what they say about men who drive big trucks don't you? What are your intentions with my daughter? This family does not believe in long engagements, do you? And God help the poor bastard if he actually answers any of those questions.

You just don't know who to watch during this freak show. Her? Them? Or the rest of the family that has shown up like the great bloodthirsty Romans to see the Gladiators battle it out. And I have to admit, it's a fabulous show. I don't think I have missed one when it was someone else's turn in the hot seat. And truth be told, I think that is why my siblings marriages have lasted so long. No one ever wanted to run the gauntlet again.

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Blogs by LaughTillYaPuke: Spit In the Eye of the Devil The Best Damn Wayside EVER Coming into My Own Daddy's Girl Enough Already Trees Around My Heart The Mother Tree Colors The Most Beautiful Place on Earth Mother Barn In The Beginning TESTIFY!!! She's a Real Mother Alright..... Sharp Dead Toe Nails Melee Come to Life The Game....Part III The Game....Part II The Game....Part I Portrait........Portrayal Cold Puke in Blog Land