The Best Damn Wayside EVER posted 5/15/2008 7:00:56 AM | 9 kudos what's this?     report abuse

LaughTillYaPuke

We are on a road trip with Dad. All Becky and i know is that we are going "out West" somewhere. I’m about 6 and Becky’s about 7 ½. Traveling in the HUGE purple (God I loved that car) vehicle. Back in the day when we had the glorious freedom of not having to wear seat belts. That car was huge enough to make forts in, have knock down drag out fights in. And on a a really good day, you could find some serious change in the back of dad's seat. You HAD to move around allot or your butt got stuck to the plastic on the seats. And no amount of lotion could cure the burn of "car butt".

Dad's patience ran out somewhere around Denver. The city of fertility. All of my brothers and sisters were conceived and born in Denver. Everyone but me. I was conceived there, apparently when my father walked in the room and asked where the good scissors was. That's the story anyway. They moved shortly after that with Dad vowing never to return. And family legend has it that he got a vasectomy on the way to Wisconsin and had an ice pack between his legs the whole trip.

But the damage was done and I am here. And as far as I know, we always took the long way around that particular place. Becky and I have been separated and sent to opposite ends of the back seat as we are ready to kill each other. But girls can keep themselves occupied for large chunks of time, and we have been busy making signs.

"I hate you".

"I rubbed your chap stick on the tires".

And the ever popular...."Bobby sherman hates you but loves me". Dad is getting "ornery" as we have bladders the size of peas, and he is NOT making good time.

*Please note, everything that follows if the fault of a man. NONE of this would have happened had he used common sense. Now, since many of you are men, and therefore probably will not recognize the many mistakes, I will point them out to you as we go along.*

We had to go to the bathroom again, so dad stopped at a wayside. When you are out in the boon docks like this, they only come about every 50 miles. And little girls can spot them as easily as a rummage sale sign. He took us up to the bathrooms and sent us in the "men’s" bathroom.(mistake #1).

We spend , oh.....I don’t know, 10 minutes in there while dad "guards" the door. (Mistake #2, he should have come in with us.)

Finally he yells, "That is ENOUGH! Get back in the car."

I yell that I am still laying toilet paper down on the seat as this place is FILTHY. This buys us another 5 minutes (mistake #3) This earns me a "high-five" from Becky. And let's be honest, that is high praise indeed from an older sister.

*cut scene: Becky and me in the men’s bathroom, with no supervision and time on our hands. What to do? What To DO!!?And then.....what do I see? A white glob hanging inside a "white" wall frame. And it smelled GOOD. Had to have that! PLUCK, that's ones going in my purse. Becky is indiscriminately shoving coins into the machines and frantically stocking her purse as she knows that "there is never enough time".*

Get back in the car, and off we go! Takes about 3-4 minutes for dad to start asking "What is that smell? No answer. (mistake #4)

I am slyly grinning, as I know he is talking about me. And I smell DAMN good! Finally, he can’t take it anymore and yells..."What is that SMELL!"

Becky, points to me and says "It’s Mimi, who do you think?"

Dad pulls the car over (mistake #5 as things just escalate from here) And immediately begins grilling me on "MIMI, what have you done now"?! I swear, I never heard that name unless it was SCREAMED!

Well, that hunk of white that I took from the bathroom was a urine block. And I thought it smelled so nice that I had dabbed a little onto my wrists and a little onto my neck. (pulse points don't you know) Becky immediately starts ratting me out. "Mimi stole some white purfume and she hid it in her purse! Are you going to call the police daddy?" Grabs my purse and show him my new perfume. I am wishing I had slapped her instead of giving her the high-five.

Dad FREAKS out, and rips my dress off. (my dress, my DRESS, my DREEESSS! I loved that dress) And proceeds scrubbing me down with kool-aid. (the only beverage we had in the car) The entire time mumbling something about asking God for patience and getting me instead.

Becky is now on a roll. Daddy's little girl is in big trouble and she is loving every minute of it. "Mimi took all the perfume and (puff, puff) put it in her (puff, puff) purse." When he looks up, there is Becky blowing up some balloons. (condoms)

5 minutes later we are back on the road with me wet, sticky, and naked, except for my panties which are now kool-aid blue. My only consolation is that I still having a slight aroma of a urine block. My dress was gone, along with my plastic purse, all of my money and the perfume. Dad is grinding his teeth. And Becky is frantically looking for chap stick as her "lips taste bad."

Now mind you, I NEVER told on her. She still had a purse full of balloons and I was only being nice hoping that I could score some of them later. And I had a sense of loyalty.

Well, it didn’t look like there was ever going to be a more opportune time, soooo...."Daddy? I have to go tinkle."

Well, really, we were much to busy and actually forgot to go.

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