House of Cards posted 5/20/2008 8:19:14 PM | 15 kudos what's this?     report abuse

LaughTillYaPuke

I lay my precious bread on my dresser. My first meal in 36 hours. Not realizing that that battle axe of a woman may just have saved my life. A job with an endless supply of food. I lean against the shower wall allowing the hot water to pummel the day out of me. I refuse to go to bed until I am warm. I go to bed warm and with a full belly and sleep like one of the chosen in this rich school. My body jerks it's self away at 5:00 a.m. so that I may get my homework done for the day. I eat my bread and do my homework. Appearing smarter in class than what I actually am as everything is still fresh in my mind. That, and I have a great deal to lose if I should fail at this. My pride being quite near the top.

I stop in the admin building every Wednesday to sign my pay checks over to the school. I am handed a $20 bill back each time. The Queen's way of rewarding me for pulling off my charade for yet another week. I walk the 6 miles into town and go to Country Kitchen and treat myself to their turkey platter. Slices of turkey with mashed potatoes piled on top. Gravy to hold it all together, and white bread underneath to keep it stuck to the plate. I have never tasted anything so good in my life and savor every bite. I fight back the vomit as I walk the 6 miles back. My body is not used to extravagant food anymore.

I join the basket ball team, gymnastics, volleyball, band and the orchestra. Sheet music and plays shoved under my door to study in the dark after work. Gymnastics done in the gym from 5:30 -6:30 every morning with the coach. It never dawning on me that he was getting out of bed to work one-on-one with me so that I could participate in competitions. I do a 15 minute audition for the band teacher and score second chair. I'll take it. I never make it to one practice, but am allowed to participate in every concert and every show. Even provided a solo occasionally.

I last for 3 months and am hauled before the board for too low grades. I am pulling a 3.27 in current events and they demand this be rectified in 10 days. It is a special accommodation, I should have been out on my ass. I know who the current president is and that is about it. It is not a priority in my life right now. Survival is. I leave work that night to find my teacher waiting outside the door with papers. He tutors me while we slowly walk back to the dorm and sits on the steps with me for a half hour each night for 10 days. It is my first realization that there are people watching me. And they actually want me to succeed. I know how tired I am, he can only be that tired or more. I am thankful and have no way to show it. I have nothing left to give.

I end the quarter with a 3.84 GPA and when I cash my check, there is a bonus of $50 from my employer for record production. I take it to my room and spread the 5 $10 bills out like a fan. I slide my lock picking kit from out behind my dresser and steal from the school for the first time. I take a 5 pound jar of peanut butter from the cafeteria. I am stunned by the array of foods and I have to spit in a garbage can when too much saliva squirts into my mouth. I sneak back to my room and slowly dip my bread in my stolen jar of peanut butter gloating at my success. I feel victorious.

The first banquet/dance of the year is announced and there is only one way to ask a girl out at this school. By formal, handwritten invitation. They are brought to the girls dorm at 8:00 p.m. and hand delivered by our dorm mother. I receive 26 invitation. I have no idea who most of these boy/men are. I clutch them to my chest, open each one slowly, memorizing names so as to put them to faces later. I write a kind refusal to each one and hide my invitations in underwear drawer. This is as close to the dance as I will come. I have no dress to wear.

Time marches on and I am somehow able to keep up. Barely. It is nothing more than a house of cards and as I accomplish one thing, another is thrown onto the pile until I am struggling under it's weight. I am unaware that things are spiraling out of control. I am flying by the seat of my pants and thrilled to find that I can survive to tell the story. I don't feel well. I'm not sick, I am just crabby, short tempered and I feel weak and shaky sometimes. And then the cold would come. A cold that I could not seem to get out of my bones. A far off ringing in my head making it difficult to focus until one day I pass out and fall down a short flight of stairs. I remember nothing of my glorious tumble, but from the rumors that are flying, the entire student body had been there to witness it. Rumors abound. Drugs. Alcohol. Pregnant.

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Blogs by LaughTillYaPuke: We're All in this Alone...Part 5 But Will You Thrive?...Part 4 Castle on the Hill...Part 3 Fear and Foot Prints...Part 2 The Hunt Begins....Part 1 Better than Ice Cream Breathe Body in the Road Always the Hard Thing to Do Blood, Sweat and Tears Coming to an End Elusive Thief House of Cards Gypsy Queen The Gum Tree The Age of Reason Felonies and other Petty Crimes What are You Looking for Rattling the Bones Spit In the Eye of the Devil The Best Damn Wayside EVER Coming into My Own Daddy's Girl Enough Already Trees Around My Heart