Coming to an End posted 5/21/2008 8:25:52 AM | 19 kudos what's this?     report abuse

LaughTillYaPuke

And so it goes on. For the next few years. I eventually go to my first banquet. And it is everything that I had hoped. I go with a good friend and do not score my first kiss until I am 17. But that night we would leave the dance early and I would kick off my shoes. (too poor to be able to afford nylons) And I would lift my dress high and run through the tall grass with him, scattering the fire fly's in all directions. It was a magical night if for no other reason than I feel myself coming into my own. I had worked hard for this. Fought for every inch. And I can feel that the benefits are just around the corner.

I have fought the loneliness and fear when once a month everyone was sent home for 4 days. I actually pulled off staying in the dorm alone for the first 6 months during visitation time, until I was found out. Those long creepy nights of laying in my bed, swearing I heard noises coming from one if not all 150 rooms. And just when I was about to fall asleep, a surge of adrenaline pumping through my body as I could swear I just hear a door slam. The giant gum tree scraping it's branches along my window. Terror of the unknown. No words or mental pictures to back up my irrational fear. Hating the sound of my loud heartbeat in my own ears and I knew it was blocking out the stealthy creep of some alien creature. Laying completely still until I could stand it no more. Running outside and sitting under my gum tree, looking up at my dorm room window. Watching to see if a pale face would look back out at me. Hating myself for reading Amityville Horror.

The girls are busy scoping out their prospective husbands. I am busy filling out scholarship forms and forging my parents signatures. And while I have many friends who will stay with me for life. At this tender age, they have no idea of who I am. I am just discovering myself as it is. How could they? The boys only know they want me, the girls only know that we can laugh all night long at the boys together. There is only one person on this earth that really knows my core and I miss her madly. Becky is somewhere out there and I have not seen her in almost 2 years. I would give up all I had gained to spend one hour sitting next to her holding her hand.

I am now 16 years old, holding ID's that say I am 18. I am also 2 weeks from graduation. I have fought and worked hard. I am called into and administration meeting to tell me that I will not be graduating a year early. My english grade came in at 3.30. And while this is a "B' and I have a perfect 4.0 in all of my other subjects, the contract that I signed with them specifically states that I am up for suspension. My rage knows no bounds. I actually yell at these people that have watched over me and protected me these last 2 years. Those that have overlooked my thefts, sneaking off campus and illegal working and income.

They give me the option of either paying back the $6,000.00 in scholarships or staying one more year and taking senior english over. I fvcking hate their guts. Ms. Summerton (Mildred) informs me that they will offer me my scholarships for next year. That I can take any other classes I so choose besides Senior English and that it would also allow me to work more hours and stash money for college. They try to get me to understand that I'm SIXTEEN and not ready for college. Re-taking english will allow me to pump up my GPA even more they tell me.

Control, everyone has it but me when it comes to my life. I have no choice. I do not have the money to pay them back. Period. It is no loss anyway. I have no senior pictures. No invitations. And I will be wearing that one special dress I have worn for the past two years to every special function. Resentment is a white hot stone in my belly. I decide to comply, but also to make sure I can find my happiness. I sign up for religion class. They are in for one hell of a ride. I am no idiot when it comes to World religions, I have studied many if for no other reason than I found them interesting.

I show up at band rehearsals, travel with the gymnastics team and help to bring our basketball team to the championships. It was an incredibly eventful year and one that I would not have had if they hadn't been so insistent on not letting me go. I actually have time to get to know people and take advanced science classes. I fine tune my mathematics as I want to be a Physicians Assistant and apply at UM. I am accepted and the staff help me fill out the forms. I am becoming aware of the army of people that have been cheering me on for the past 3 years. Watching me struggle, fall, get up. Watching me honor my obligations and learn to put forth my best the first time and not just what is easy and fast.

I stash about $7,000.00 for college while continuing to steal peanut butter and eventually carrots and then sausage links to fill the protien in my diet. I make many friends and find that I have acclamated myself to my new chosen personality. I can no longer remember the girl who was. I can feel sorry for her, but have no desire to wallow in sorrow with her. I decide to take her with me so that she will not be lonely.

And while I do not come close to being valedictorian, heck these kids came from all over the world, they were prepped for this life, I was not. I truly feel that I have achieved more than I had set out too. And that is victory enough for me. I hand write out 10 invitations to my graduation. My father shows up. And while I do feel an ache at this, he is really the one that I wanted there. I believe that my brothers had no idea that I had moved away from home, and we had all pretty much lost contact as we knew of no other way to be together than to come home. No one was willing to do that. My family has no idea what this journey has taken me, and this place in blog land is the first time I have hinted at it.

And I would get Ms Summerton's special award that year. The excellence award. And inside she wrote the words that would become my life's mantra.

"We are in the pursuit of excellence, not perfection. Let nothing stop you towards your journey to your goals."

And as I looked out into that audience for my father's face, my world as I knew it came to an end.

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Blogs by LaughTillYaPuke: Blogging Innocence Choose our own Destiny....The End We're All in this Alone...Part 5 But Will You Thrive?...Part 4 Castle on the Hill...Part 3 Fear and Foot Prints...Part 2 The Hunt Begins....Part 1 Better than Ice Cream Breathe Body in the Road Always the Hard Thing to Do Blood, Sweat and Tears Coming to an End Elusive Thief House of Cards Gypsy Queen The Gum Tree The Age of Reason Felonies and other Petty Crimes What are You Looking for Rattling the Bones Spit In the Eye of the Devil The Best Damn Wayside EVER Coming into My Own Daddy's Girl