I made my friend feel even worse than she already felt today. Her mother died right before Christmas this past December. She had donated her body to science and when they had finished they sent her cremated remains back to her home that she shared with her boyfriend of 17 yrs. He sold his home this past week and the new owners want immediate occupancy so the family got together today to pack up the house and move furniture.
My friend and her sister had already been thru most of her mother's personal belongings months ago. Today she had to go and pack up the last of her mother's remaining effects knowing that she would never again be able to visit her mothers home. She brought back most of the personal things she had made or given her mother and some furniture that he won't be able to use in his smaller apartment. I was again given a few special items that was once her mother's.......so emotions were running high for all of us.
I have a real fear of being around death and am unable to spend more than 10 minutes in funeral homes, even if it is for a close family member, without going outside for a while. I totally freak being around something that is no longer alive, be it human or animal. I won't even live in a house if I know for a fact that someone died there. When my grandfather died at home 20 yrs ago it took me a month before I could stand to be in the house and I never went into the bedroom that he died in. I was so happy that my grandmother sold the home 6 months later. I know it's an irrational fear and I don't even know how it got started, but I still can't overcome it and that is what made me a terrible friend tonight.
They haven't buried her mother's ashes yet as they are waiting for out of state family members to come back for the service. The boyfriend didn't want them to get lost in the move so he asked my friend to bring them home with her. I know in her heart she felt that she would have her mother close to her again for a short time.
Without warning when she walks into the house tonight holding a box and quietly said "Here's Mama".........I freaked!! I screamed and told her "NO, I can't have that here" and hurried to my room hyperventilating. She knew of my fear but didn't think it would pertain to ashes. She hurriedly took them back out to her brother's truck, washed her hands and then came to apologize and calm me down, all the while I am apologizing to her for my fear. Yes she washed because she knows with my fear I will not allow anyone to touch me if they have touch the deceased until I know that they have washed.
The services will be in a few days and I have taken away the last chance she has to be close to her mom, in a manner of speaking, before everything becomes final. I feel horrible. Trust me, if I had any where to go I would be gone so she could have the ashes here. I know I have hurt her even if she won't say so. Even though I know she forgives me for this I know that it will take longer for me to forgive myself.
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| I was a terrible friend tonight |
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matisse731
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Jun 1 @ 4:05AM
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You're a very sweet person and your friend knows this. Like you already said, she's already forgiven you. The only thing you will acomplish by wallowing in guilt, is to make her feel even worse. And I know you don't want that.
This is just my take on this. Her mother isn't really in that jar. It's really just ashes. Her mothers soul and spirit is in the hearts and minds of all the ones that knew and loved her.
So for your own and your friends piece of mind, Just let it go and accept her forgiveness.  
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ragtopcookie
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Jun 1 @ 4:09AM
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damn your oily hide woman......hehehhehehe....cookie
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mystery2u888
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Jun 1 @ 6:02AM
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Cartay... ....your a good person........just know that in your heart........your friend understands your fears................I have come across my share of tragedies .......unfortunately.........you don't know how to react.....everyone deals with it differently.........some are in worse cases ......nobody can predict how someone will react.........all you need is to let her know you are there for her.......the days will be long and when she needs to talk just be there......everyone has anxiety in some form or another.....everyone will always......do certain things some stay silent..........some need to talk.......some want to look away.........I know you and your going to be fine
Just be there for them......xoxo
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oct_cat
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Jun 1 @ 7:10AM
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This is a perfect example of true friendship. Two friends who are each going thru their own emotional turmoil yet underneath it all are very supportive of each other. Your friend knows & understands you so well that she puts you first in her thoughts; and despite your reaction which, for you, is a qualified fear, you feel guilty deep down for how you reacted. Two people who do not share a deep friendship with each other would not have acted & reacted & interacted in that way.
You are fortunate to have such a friendship. As the others have advised, accept her forgiveness & be a support for her these next few days. And after the burial she'll probably need you more than ever . . . just be there as her friend.
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Super1000x
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Jun 1 @ 8:16AM
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I know it's an irrational fear and I don't even know how it got started, but I still can't overcome it and that is what made me a terrible friend tonight.
If you ever read much of the Bible especially the Old Testament - That may be where it all got started for you. Perhaps a charismatic or zealous Sunday School teacher or even an emotionally charged Pastor's sermon may have planted this seed..... The Bible does talk of not touching the dead because they are "unclean" ..... Hmmmmmm...... 
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ttomtarr
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Jun 1 @ 8:52AM
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Cartay,
When I see your photo on a posting, the first word that comes to mind is kindness.
IYou were NOT a bad friend last night, just a human one with a bit of fear or phobia like we all have. Your friend has already let it go. Forgive yourself.
Accept yourself as you are, no exceptions. You can work on things later if you wish, but you are %100 OK right now.
The death of others sometimes reminds us of our own mortality.
It is just one end of a lifespan, birth being the other. Babies come when they are ready to come, and the same soul goes when it is ready to go. I always thought we should put up monuments at the starting point, not at the point of exit.
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EternalFlame
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Jun 1 @ 9:23AM
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 I've never known you to be a terrible friend.
I still don't.
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Knitengale99
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Jun 1 @ 9:44AM
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When I was in nursing school, one of my teachers pointed out a very important fact that we need to remember. In a crisis, the behavior a person shows is the best they are capable of at that moment.
So, instead of being a bad friend, you were doing the best that you could. And what friend would expect more of you?
Forgive yourself
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Hansumm
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Jun 1 @ 9:51AM
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Cartay, I am with eternal on this one...I only have known you to be an exceptional friend to others, and knowing this, your behavior can be excused since it appears to be a serrious fear for you and you would neve have done that on purpose if you really could have controlled this fear. I am sure it was all very extreme for all at the time. Her biggest concern right now is not how you reacted, but the taumatic loss of one so dear to her. I know if it were my mom, I would be going half nuts over losing her and not about anyone elses behavior at a time like this. Don't beat yourself up over it, just continue being the best friend you have been to her.
In time, I am sure it will bring a snicker between the two of you when you reminisce over this. take care.
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Fender
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Jun 1 @ 10:45AM
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Your a sweetheart and your friend knows that for sure...I am sure she understands and seems to from what you said so don't feel too bad about it.
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signme
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Jun 1 @ 12:10PM
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Car don't be so hard on yourself. Both of you were going through trauma and just accept that it happened and now it's over. Continue to be there for your friend, she knows how much you care.
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newpatches
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Jun 1 @ 1:14PM
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Many years ago my best girlfriend died..9 days after losing her husband to cancer. Her wishes were to be cremated and her ashes scattered. She had five grown kids and none of them could deal with her ashes so I kept them for over a year until I finally insisted that her final wishes be carried out. One of her sons by then was able to do so.
Never apologize for something you can't deal with and you certainly don't need to apologize to a friend...they know and love you and understand you better than anyone. She loves you and wouldn't want you to feel sorry or guilty. Receive her love and acceptance for who you are. You'll be alright. None of us can say we're free of one kind of phobia or another...some more noticeable than others.
You are who you are and you are sweet and loveable and kind-hearted. She understands...we all do.
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daisy315
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Jun 2 @ 7:32AM
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there are some wonderful.. and tender comments here my friend.. I can't add to them except to say this.. you are not a bad friend.. forgive yourself and continue to be the loving, caring person you are..
it's like Hansumm said.. you and your friend will probably get a chuckle or two outta this in a few years... believe me.. I know..
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graywolf
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Jun 2 @ 8:53AM
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cartay, I don't think you have it in you to be a "bad friend", your reaction was caused by your phobia and your friend knew that as soon as you reacted. She understands and forgives you so please forgive yourself and continue to be her friend and let her be yours in return.
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