I have decided to make the move for which you've been maneuvering all along -- the cut and run. This is not a knee-jerk reaction, but the move that somewhere I knew would have to come, from that night that you asked me if I was in love with you -- when you said you were in love with me... Did I tell you the question that I was just about to ask when you beat me to the punch? I was just about to ask you if you were playing with me.
You have made a couple of claims about me/us. You have said that you know me well -- perhaps better than any other man. Then this should come as no surprise to you.
You had said you would not use my insecurities against me, but I think you cannot help yourself. I see you using their insecurities against so many others. When I heard Paul lying to his boss among others, I naively thought he loved me and would not lie to me. Paul lied to himself, to his wife, to his parents, to everyone. It was who he was. You use insecurities against yourself and others, I do not believe you will not use mine against me. You already have. I do not believe you will tell no one of me or that the telling will be flattering. I have heard you talk too much of those who came before me. I do not think that I am special or exempt. I have given you far too much ammunition to use. You will need it to maintain your own sense of self -- and your reputation.
You said that it would be no problem if I were dating someone else -- that you would just wait a week. You really are very much like my father -- subtly manipulative in your words. Your comment was much like my father's when he said I would not be faithful to any man because I was not faithful to my savior.
You, who know me so well, are sure that I will not commit to any man I date -- though that is what I want more than anything. Do you think you will be the exception? You imply that that is your thinking, but there is a part of you that is banking on not being an exception. You have a greater fear than I of commitment. Your greatest failure in life -- your only failure -- is not keeping that commitment you pledged in your marriage vows -- a commitment made out of duty, not love. You certainly do not want to risk another failure of that magnitude. You play the game so cleverly that I think you do not even see the walls you have built and the fortresses you have secured.
You have said that we have at least become good friends. We have not been friends. We have been playmates. I have willingly entered into games with you -- and profited by the play. Recently though, I tend to forget that it is but a game, and I become frustrated -- not so much with your lack of involvement in it as with my over-involvement.
Am I in love with you? I am enamored with the idea of being in love with you. I wrote in my profile that I wanted a man much like my dad and much like that man I went to visit in my fictional Love's Many Dimensions. Both those men punched my buttons in much the same manner as you. And I learned a great from you, just as I learned a great deal from them. They both loved me though -- which is different than being in love.
A friend has said that I should keep only the guy(s) that make me feel wonderful. You don't fit that bill -- at least not with any consistency. (This is not written with any feeling of wonderful.) There is a part of me that desires that you prove me wrong, that you call and say that you will be here to meet me, to see me in person, to explore whether there is love. I don't think that will happen though. I think the fear in you is too great.
You have written that lack of self-knowledge and living in the past allows a person to play with other people's lives, emotions and future in a frivolous manner. I think you have cast others into that role without taking the time to look into the mirror.
Playing to Lose -- read it carefully...I could dedicate it to you even if I wrote it more than a year ago...
...I was your queen, you were my knight,
You were the one, for me just right.
I played your game, followed your lead,
It's my game too, a mutual need...
...This time around, you broke my heart
Next time, you'll get to play my part
This wicked game, our chosen fate
Win to lose, you are my soulmate...
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read more blogs!
Blogs by lacyvsq:
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| An Open Letter to My Online Soulmate... |
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unionman154
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Jun 26 @ 4:58PM
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I remember this poem. ~*~
Time to wash that man right out of your hair Lacy. 
GO GO GO Lacy 
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beachnutRU
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Jun 26 @ 6:11PM
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Shower him right off your mind....(taking off on Paul's line of washing him out of your hair)
 support and kudos
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Mission_Impossible139
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Jun 26 @ 6:53PM
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Wow, pretty powerful stuff.
Wish you the best.
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hpylady1
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Jun 26 @ 8:03PM
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I know how you are feeling .. your blog pretty much said it all.. some on line relationships do make it but some do not and I can tell you've had enough.
Good Luck
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16knots
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Jun 28 @ 8:31AM
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The Experience is the most wonderful aspect of life. In its nature is the most wonderful feeling of wisdom and compassion.
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Hansumm
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Jun 28 @ 3:48PM
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I learned sometime ago, that no one is ever an exception to one's behavior. Sooner or later they will get around to you. It's their nature of who they really are.
If you see someone being nice to everyone, then they will usually always be nice to you, but if you see someone who treats someone rudely ...even a waitress etc...then sooner or later you will be the focus of that behavior.
ignoring those flags...is not living in the real world or not loving yourself. 
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mystery2u888
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Jun 28 @ 5:48PM
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BionicCouple
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Jun 29 @ 9:36AM
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Never forget.... you deserve the best!
Angel x
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sloriver
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Jun 29 @ 10:23AM
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You're very perceptive and I believe that most of us should listen to those inner voices that speak the truth before our minds grasp it. It seems you're listening to yours. Such intellegence and deep thought. I think you'll be prepared to handle the next manipulator.
Good luck and a kudo.
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