Entry for June 27, 2008
I always thought I had the concept of God's power but never really felt it till I really started studying The Word. It had always been very hard to read the Bible. All the begets and thou's I never really understood The Word. Never having any formal religious background as a child, I never really knew the whole story.
Sure I heard about Noah and the flood, and I had heard about Christ's life and sacrifice but never felt the impact it truly had on my life.
For the past couple years I have felt drawn to learn more. The problem was I had no guide. I'm not one to jump right in and do something for the first time without knowing exactly what the outcome is.
I had spent the last 7 years pretty more living in a bedroom at my mothers. Everything I loved was gone. Either taken from me or given away to purge myself of memories. Good as well as bad memories haunted me of a life that use to be.
Not that my past was all that grand but we settle into patterns that are hard to break away from. The comfort zone that's quite often talked about. I think for some, that zone is a very small area and even the slightest change is a major issue.
For me being in nature was where I connected with God.
The Native Americans called the trees tall men. They stood guard over the more delicate things. They nourished life for the smaller and weaker plants and animals. They provide things we all need. For the air we breath and the shelter we need.To know God created them was a wonder.
I make things from nature and have taken a 6x6 piece of bark to do a project. I saw and was so amazed at the amount of life in that small piece of bark. That was what I saw with my naked eye. Imagine the stuff we don't see. Imagine creating so many different things and then giving purpose to all.
We will never know the fullness of it and its hard to look that close at the things in our life. Sometimes we forget how much we are all connected and serve much purpose in each others life.
I feel that through the word of God I have been awakened. Its greater than any drug I took in the 70's.
I thought acid (LSD) was the greatest because under its influence I could see the little things, as they were so magnified and highlighted by the drug in my brain.
God's Word is like that.
Being in the woods was like that for me. I didn't know there was so much more.
I always imagined God as part of everything with life a force and so I always thought I had a piece of that essence inside myself. I believe I did but I never gave God rein to do His will.
Yes many times I cried in torment for God to change things in my life, but I never really tried to do my part and it really was never clear as to what my part was.
I was never into organized religion but had read a little in the Bible and the importance of baptism, however most churches will not perform baptism until you seek to join their church. I had a real problem with that.
John 3:5
Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.
I had thought that if we were baptized and did the best we could with little effort we could enter into Heaven with no problem. Why would I need the church if I submitted myself to Christ and got baptized.
I searched my area for a church by going to the internet and writing the churches that had websites and were in my area.
I told them I wanted to learn about the Bible but I did not have a car and I needed transportation. I only received one reply and it basically said that if my life was in such ruins that I didn't have a car, then I would have to fix things in my life before I would fit in with their church.
It left me quite disheartened.
So I kind of gave up on the idea and figured God would understand and that I had tried my best.
Thats when He stepped in.
I sort of fell into a Bible study group and found that the more I read and understood, the more I wanted to know. Even though history has not been an interest to me and I felt that I wasn't able to retain a lot of information from the seminars about the end days I was drawn to attending. I didn't realize it was the Holy Spirit guiding my desire for the Word of God and that I was getting much more than knowledge.
I was giving Christ an opening that had been closed for a long time. Its harder for some to submit themselves to others let alone a perfect God, and that is what was happening.
I found that even though I wasn't interested in what a King did thousands of years ago that the very WORD of God was working inside me. It wasn't just the Word but the power and Spirit of the Word.
I remember when I finally let Jesus in and truly accepted Him as my savior.
I had went on a women's retreat with some of the women I was studying with. I have to say I was petrified being in an environment totally foreign to me. Around a lot of people and most were strangers. At first I felt like an outsider and they knew something I knew nothing about. Though I quickly learned it wasn't a secret and they were willing to share the information. So much so that it became overwhelming. It was then that Satan really put forth his attack. He told me I didn't belong there and I would never have the peace they talked about. God would say "I brought you here for a reason" and the peace is yours for the asking."
There was a great war going on and my soul was in the middle. I felt at times I was being pulled apart.The Devil even tried to convince me that the churches were a cult and I was being brainwashed. God would simply tell me the choice was mine.Gods way is gentle there is no force or threat. He said, my choice.
Here I was 52 yrs old with tons of sin behind and in my life and He promises to forgive all of it if I just accept Him into my life.
When I got home from 3 days of camp after hearing and experiencing His Word, I have to say I was full and I had to make some decisions. My mind was like a video on fast replay and just as I was overwhelmed I felt God's love surround me. I dropped to my knees sobbing and knew I had to accept Christ as my savior. My whole life changed that night. I could no longer do some of the things I had thought much a part of my life. Like doing things for pleasure even though I knew they were harmful to my body or my mental health.
The si fi channel lost its appeal. The things on the news suddenly seemed more personal to me. I hurt for those in crisis as if it were my family being affected.
It was definitely a different way of looking at the world.
I still have many sins to overcome but I now know I don't have to struggle but to let Jesus guide me and He will take my suffering from me. That in its self is a very big concept to swallow and to be aware that all my sins will fall on His shoulders. How could you not truly love someone that is willing to do that.
Now I know why t
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