God's Guide to Vehicle Repair posted 7/3/2008 5:22:23 PM | 5 kudos what's this?     report abuse

Intellectual_Masochist

The New Book Of Genesis (written by me)

God created the Heavens and the Earth, and shouted "Let there be light". And there was light to fill the Heavens and the Earth. And on the 7th day God Rested and decided to replace the brakes on his 2000 Chevy Malibu.

God had left the rotors on that car untouched for eons, preferring not to mess with that which had worked so well. Alas, the Heavens has not been kind to God's ride, as the thumping in the brake pedal and shimmy in the steering wheel attested to. As civilizations had come and gone, so had God's ability to stop in rush-hour traffic.

So God sat down at the sides of his car and began his great task. Removing the universal front wheels was a simple chore for such a great being, as was removing the Heavenly caliper bolts. However, the dark regions of the caliper mount proved more challenging than any celestial body yet come across. God cursed his own name as, not one... Not twice... Not even Thrice... But Seven times did he bang his hand against the shock mount.

Finally the caliper mount bolts did give way, allowing a new challenge to arise for God. As God tugged on the rotors that, according to the online manual, should easily slide off the hub, he realized his task was much more difficult than planting vegetation on a barren planet. Ages of rainy trips and bitter colds over a lifetime had fused the rotors to the hub much like an angel's wings are fused to their backs.

With much force did God strike the rotor. Blow after mightly blow fell unto said rotor, as God wiped his brow in frustration. Rust and shards of iron were cast all over the Heavens as God took out his frustrations with his hammer on the unworldly rotor from hell. "Thou shalt not stay attached." God commanded. "Get off the effen hub you damn piece of %^&$" he did cry, but to no avail.

Finally, Bob... God's next door neighbor, noticed him struggling and came to assist. He smashed the demon rotor with God's hammer 5 times with a force God had not witnessed before. And Behold, the rotor did come free.

God cleaned up the hub, put the new parts back on the car, and had his girlfriend bake some cookies for Bob to thank him for his help. Then God went and took a shower and pondered how he had struggled where Bob had so easily prevailed.

And God rested.

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