I've kind of come to a stage where I'm really just detesting humanity.
I went to the mall with Jeanine yesterday and as I walked through the mall I realised all the looks and the longing gazes I was receiving. I noticed all the pleasant "hello, how are you" 's that I received as I entered the clothing stores. I noticed how Jeanine and I walked around eating chocolates but no one really gave a rat's ass that we were stuffing ourselves full of empty calories. I listened to the way random people oohed and aahhed over the way I looked in a slinky red dress I tried on...that wasn't from the plus size section of DEB.
Should I be happy about all these things? Probably. Should I be flattered? Probably (don't make fun of my Northeastern tendency to make a point by asking questions and then answering myself).
The truth is, though, I find it sickening.
We'll get the first thing out of the way.
There is a twenty six year old man who has spent his entire salary (to the point where he has no food in his refrigerator) to come across an ocean, endure a thirteen hour trip across George Lucas knows how many time zones, and live with me for a week, basically, because he thinks that he might want to settle down with me. He's crazy about me. Sixty-three pounds ago, I would not have been an afterthought to him. I don't want to tell him that, but I know it.
Now, let's move on to the mall.
Sixty-three pounds ago, those very men at the mall who are gazing at my curvy waist, my face, and watching my ass looked once very quickly at me and then forgot I was alive.
Sixty-three pounds ago, I entered a clothing store to stares from the personnel and not even a "hello, how are you". Yes, I am serious. It's as if they were afraid I'd stretch out their clothing if I tried it on, or something. Now, I can enter Abercrombie and Fitch and Hollister and the personnel are pleasant, even though I obviously don't wear their clothing. Sometimes, I'd go into clothing stores with my friend Kelly who was a size 5 when I was a size 20 and they'd say hello to her and ignore the fact that I was alive. I was seldom offered help, while now the male employees seem to want to help me all the time.
Sixty-three pounds ago, I couldn't even get a simple salad from the Food Court in the mall, or anywhere for that matter (this was when I was at the beginning of my weight loss journey), without people gawking at me as I ate as if I had no right to be eating anything, even something that was GOOD for me. Now, I can stuff junk food in my face in front of crowds of people and they don't give a flying f***.
Sixty-three pounds ago, if I tried something on in DEB, or even Torrid for that matter, everybody ignored it. It was up to my mum, Carianne, and Ava to tell me how "nice" I looked in whatever I tried on. Of course they were honest and let me know when I did not look good, but nobody stood around and said "wow that looks amazing on your figure" the way they did yesterday, and the day that I tried on that hella risque red shirt that I'm wearing in my MySpace picture (for any of you who have seen that) ... and no, I'm not uploading it to MD because my face still looks bloated and I'm not comfortable with it.
It's as if I was a non-existent, non-human entity when I was fat. And no, I won't say "obese". I'm not going to be politically correct. I was fat. It was as if people held me in such low esteem that they felt I had no right to be walking the planet, and now even though I'm such a delinquent with the sternum tattoo and the "GO f*** YOURSELF" and "CRUEL HEARTLESS BITCH" bumper sticker and the "REPUBLICANS SCREW BETTER" and "I'M NOT SHY, I'M JUST A BITCH" shirts (I'm going to buy "f*** OFF" next, by the way) people treat me like I'm just like them. I don't even have to wear makeup and I don't even have to act bubbly and sweet. I am intelligent and a cranky old man trapped inside an average sized but curvy 20 year old body and people treat me like I'm one of them.
Society pisses me the hell off.
And don't misconstrue this as me saying I don't love Marko or I don't appreciate Jeanine's newfound interest in buying me clothes, or I don't appreciate people's kindness. And yes, I'm glad I lost the weight because not only do I feel better about myself but I feel better physically. I can breathe and walk up the stairs without my heart racing. I can do things and not get tired out. I can come home from school and not have to take naps.
But I just can't stand the body fascism. It really makes me weep for the human race.
And if you're going to comment, please don't congratulate me on my weight loss. My success is not really the point of this blog, and just the fact that we can't accept our bodies even if we are permanently stuck in a fat one is a problem to me...not everyone is lucky enough to be like me and shed a drastic amount of weight and they need to be able to celebrate who they are and not be looked down upon.
Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)
|
|
read more blogs!
|
BandTMom
|
Jul 5 @ 2:27PM
|
|
Our views of what is important has been totally distorted.
~*~
|
|
lisa46
|
Jul 5 @ 2:27PM
|
|
I hear you!!!! great job on the loss 
|
|
kattsmeow
|
Jul 5 @ 2:50PM
|
|
It is the healthy part you I will say is great! The weight loss comes with it too.
Just trying to be as healthy as we can is a big step.
I took my daughter in law shopping while she was here and I didn't really see that.
Maybe it was because in the stores they realized who was spending the money??
I was the one that asked for her to be sized for a new bra. ( she had never had it done). I think she learned how to be a smart shopper with me.
Did she get looks from men? I don't know, I never cared about that kind of stuff even when I was young.
|
|
skylar4
|
Jul 5 @ 3:30PM
|
|
LGQ....It's time these superficial indgits hear how their actions & comments hurt Real True Hearts! fellow Human Beings  now if you can only make them listen... Good Job expressing it.
|
|
Angel1964
|
Jul 5 @ 4:32PM
|
|
Wow… I totally understand what you’re talking about… I’ve lost over 125 pounds and yes I still have a long way to go… I found I do get treated better. Even people I worked with would start being nicer to me the more weight I lost. You’d think I’d be happy about it.. However, although I did kind of like it, for some reason it would kind of piss me off too.. I was still and am still the same person! In one way it makes you feel good, but in another way.. It still hurts.
|
|
cowboy2x4
|
Jul 5 @ 5:08PM
|
|
I have dated women from 95 lbs to 300 lbs,
the size of their bodies made absolutely no difference to me...personality over-ruled body and facial beauty to me...
but I truly understand what you are saying.
|
|
SunBabe
|
Jul 5 @ 6:16PM
|
|
Do you think that part of the "change" could be in the new confidence and attitude you project now, LGQ?
(I'm only mentioning this because of my own observations of people, including experiencing "invisibility" when my state of mind hasn't been "at its best"  ...and always being about the same size)
|
|
leah6791
|
Jul 5 @ 6:59PM
|
|
You are awesome... And I wish I could lose 63 lbs.
Some people just suck! Some, not all, but most.
|
|
LongRanger278
|
Jul 5 @ 7:56PM
|
|
Is it the new body or the new you that people are responding to. Why I ask is because often it's the projection of one's self that changes.
Point:
People respond mostly to confidence which can be detected by visual means. You don't have to talk to a person to know that they are confident. This can be sensed by one's outward demeanor. Confident people tend to attract people that often become cordial as a reaction to your cofidence. As you become more confident so does your personality. Your sense of humor rises up a level, how you speak, walk and hold your self becomes an attraction.
Don't chalk up your sudden popularity to strickly weight loss or physical appearance.
Still waiting for your Naked Picture 2008 Contest photo........... 
|
|
edthepoet
|
Jul 5 @ 8:31PM
|
|
The 63 pound loss compare nothing to the weight you put on yourself and that is sad to see. If one can't be proud of accomplishing something good, then all there is left is a self-deconstruction pattern that will implode.
Giver up on trying to change other people opinion, you can't.
So make a conscious to be happy, since neg crap happen anyway.
|
|
fenderchick
|
Jul 5 @ 10:41PM
|
|
|
|
|
redtigr
|
Jul 5 @ 10:46PM
|
|
Having been heavier and thinner at various times, I understand just what you mean.
I find that I have no respect for anyone who ignores or makes cruel comments about those who are overweight. Often I've been a thin person with other thin people who didn't realize I had struggled weight and took personally anything nasty they said about "that fat woman" or "that gigantic man."
People who have never dealt with weight issues are often totally insensitive. I don't expect that everyone will be attracted sexually to a heavy person. I do expect that my friends and acquaintances treat everyone with fairness and respect. It doesn't pay to carry a big chip regarding strangers... save it for the people you know - they should know better.
|
|
Ginstl
|
Jul 5 @ 11:08PM
|
|
The first thing I have to say is that personality rules over looks anyday.
The second thing is: Has anyone ever considered who the men are in the fashion and image industries who dictate via the media and myth what the definition of beauty is? 
|
|
whyme
|
Jul 6 @ 11:18PM
|
|
|
You are nuts............... :-)
|
|
mystery2u888
|
Jul 7 @ 2:23AM
|
|
Girlfriend you have done an excellent job with your weight loss......be proud and stand tall............hugs to you   xoxo
|
|
observed50
|
Jul 7 @ 8:57AM
|
|
First...there is nothing that is the 'REAL ME' that we like to talk about when we want people to see us differently than they do, have or will. There is no static 'me', no final 'me', no core 'me', no 'me' that is not in response to environment, structure, and role. You are not the same person when interacting with closest friends versus parents. Even the 'thing' we are looking at presupposes an 'I' who is observing 'me' and just who is this...'I?' Is 'me' the person who is drunk Saturday night and tossing it, or the person who is a good worker on Tuesday?
If we are fat or skinny, tall or short, blond or bald, or whatever, all of our physical attributes are as much 'me' as any personality trait might be. This effort at separating physical from mental/emotional, is a part of the Cartesian philosophical debris grounded in New Testament writings in which we want so badly to have a spirit that leaves the body...the spirit being the real me, where the body is simply a shell while the spirit visits this plain of existence. This dualism, the denigrating of the physical and exaltation of the non-physical, results in all sorts of mental gymnastics for us as we keep trying to blame the body, or response to the body, for the ills affecting our lives. You've lost 60+ pounds. If I cut off your leg, which at your current weight is less in weight than that 60 lbs, would you still be the same person???
If you say 'yes' to the above question, then you are delusional. The body we are in changes how we experience, how we interpret, how we are experienced and are interpretted. Any of us who have had weight variance know we neither feel the same, nor see the world the same, from within the different weight zones. I gained 20 lbs over this brutal winter, and am dropping it now, but wow...I did not recognize the person in the mirror, nor the person I felt...uncomfortable, lethargic, easily tired, and constantly stressing back and ankles.
Physical presence matters. That's simply how it is. The brain organizes information according to categories of perception. That's simply how it is. Language organizes the world by meaningful categories of difference. That's simply how it is. We're not the fattest nation because of genetics. We're the fattest nation because our lives are deeply out of balance in a myriad of ways. Lack of exercise, sedentary entertainment, food to stuff the emptiness of depression constantly supported by consumerism, and on and on and on.
Note how beneath the lament of this fascism you point to, is the desire for other people to change. Then note that the only one we know for sure we can change is ourselves. And then remember how hard it is to get one person, one's self, to change, and we want...humanity...to change???
Congrats on losing the weight. I was at the Jazz Fest yesterday with a friend who had lost 80 pounds and probably has another 120 to go. It's very tough losing large sums of weight. Revel in it. And be free to note that you ARE a different person when you are a different weight, in either direction.
That's just how it is...despite all protestations to the contrary.
|
|
|