Or, How to Keep That Sex Drive Going.
I woke up today and nurturing through healing popped into my mind. So, what IS nurturing? Nurturing is a drive ‘to promote the development of by providing nourishment, support and encouragement, during the stages of growth’ (Random House Dictionary) usually to children but not exclusively. MOST women have that drive. Men do too but men call it fixing. Fixing/nurturing same idea… it is a form of LOVE! Men want to fix things that appear to be broken so they tend to look at women’s nurturing as a sign that the woman thinks the man is broken. Hello!!!! WE KNOW you are not broken. We are trying to NURTURE you.
Many men tend to get distressed or offended when women reject men’s desires to fix something we are having a problem with when we are venting to them. Many men get upset when we try to NURTURE them when they are venting to us about something they are having a problem with and reject the woman’s attempt to nurture without even considering how it could make the woman feel. Can you just imagine how that hurts some women, being rejected that way? Many women don’t have a problem with you wanting to fix it. But often, it does not need fixing. What is needed is the woman needs to be heard and validated. Many of us, men AND women need to verbally discuss our problems and challenges and often we move through it that way and find our OWN solutions. Many of us (men and women) get ALL twisted off when someone tries to tell us something we can to do ‘make it better’.
I am in a relationship right now that is holy heaven and holy hell. Heaven, because we have so much in common that it is like walking through the most beautiful garden we ever experienced in our entire lives. Hell, because we are so much alike and because of previous relationships where we were not nurtured and allowed to learn and grow the way so many other great relationships go. I personally did not have nurturing in my childhood. My mother was NOT demonstrative. Yet I am SO touchy feely. I want to nurture, DAMMIT! I never raised children so never got over that powerful desire to nurture.
So, I became a healer. Well, I still get frustrated in that because so many people just want it fixed and they want to go on. You never see the growth and development like when you have children that grow or a marriage or significant relationship that grows and mellows. So, here I am at 56 years learning why I do what I do. How did I figure it out? YouBetcha (my new SIGNIFICANT other) taught me about the language of love. I have not read that book that tells you about it but it was explained to me that we each have languages of love. Well, YB and I share a couple of those languages. And I have another language of love which is the healing I do.
I have discovered when two people are together, they both need to be able to learn and ‘hear’ and accept the other’s languages of love. One of my main languages of love is healing and offering healing so when he heard me offer healing…it translated out TO HIM that he was broken which started a huge, several day’s long conflagration. Let me tell you, I am as impassioned and hardheaded as he is. Plus we BOTH have different definitions of what different things mean. Like nurturing and fixing. Let me talk to you in MY language of love and BY GOD, the rewards are great. You have NO clue how great and neither did I since I had no clue about languages of love before I met him.
I tend to THINK he has NO clue what he has created by teaching me this and that he has no idea what heights are in store for us. I may be totally wrong though. I have a clue and it STILL makes me lightheaded even PARTIALLY envisioning it.
I have seen so many relationships that did not have children involved that were the BEST relationships I have ever witness. Why? Because the children that required nurturing never got in between the woman and man in the relationship. Women have it built in to nurture the babies and the babies always came first. Well, what does that do to the relationship of the man and the woman? The man gets put on the back burner. The hormones the women produce when they hear the sound of crying babies/children makes the woman lose her sex drive. Women rarely fight that hormonal adjustment and nurture the babies and the man gets any energy left IF there is any energy left. (Usually not much)
So men, if you have a woman and no young children and the woman tries to nurture you, are you going to push that away? Push away HER language of love? She is NOT saying you are broken so DON’T FKN SAY to her I AM NOT BROKEN, you dumb fck. PRIZE that nurturing she is lavishing on you and blessing you with and when you do, watch her desire for you grow. Oh yes, are you going to be in for a HUGE and wonderful surprise. The ULTIMATE sexual stimulus for her is for you, the man to listen, hear and accept HER language of love. OH YES!!!!!
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| Languages of (SEX) Love (Nurturing VS Fixing) |
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SpiritEnergy
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Jul 6 @ 4:19PM
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Woops, guys, I am so sorry I forgot to put this in. WOMEN, if you reject HIS language of love, you insult, demean and belittle him. So STOP it if you really and truly love him. Many men get extremely resentful when their love offerings are rejected. Wonder why he gets angry at you? Well, there is ONE MAJOR reason. 
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LaughTillYaPuke
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Jul 6 @ 5:21PM
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True, true...it's all very true. When a man understands that sometimes you need to "dump" and your really not looking to have something fixed, your a very lucky girl.
And when you have a man who lets you send them little things. Really no value too them, just stuff that you wanted to share, and they let you. And even appriciate it? Again...your a very lucky girl. 
~*~
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beachnutRU
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Jul 6 @ 6:19PM
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Communication is the Key. I had a platonic friend once that after knowing me for a good while and tiring of hearing my philosophical jargon informed me that SHE would call me and if she needed to VENT ......then I would HEAR HER. She said
"I want none of your mumbo jumbo, if I am pissed and vent hear me out and offer nothing, sometimes I need to hear myself say it so I can judge for myself if it is valid data or not".
By golly, I said I could do that. Within a week the call came....the warning was sounded ....."THIS IS A VENTILATION CALL ONLY" I said ok ok ok. So she spilled it. One thing was it was work related so no prejudicial input about ME. At the end, she said THANKS, I said MY PLEASURE, I was not offended nor was she. I asked "anything else" she said "no I feel better, I will call you later", I said "great, have a good one". This really happened Spirit. I gave her what she needed. She was heard.
What is needed is the woman needs to be heard and validated Heard ....yes, Validated I am not sure about. I can not validate your feelings, you have to do that one for yourself. I can say something like "I can see how you might have felt that way"....but not to say "you are exactly right in your feeling" when I may not believe it in even a small way.
I would suggest to VENT to another person other than your S O. OR communicate with him that this is ventilation not rational or anything just venting.
If it is about him Vent to the dog the outside the best girlfriend but not to him and expect him to forget what you said later on when "cooler heads prevail" spill that crap somewhere else then have rational discussion when the subject is "your relationship".
Short version....."don't crap where you eat". If you want to vent about the Presidential race or the high price of gasoline....FINE....if you want to VENT about the fact that he does so and so every time he does something....run it by someone else first and deal with it in a different way.
If I feel like, as a man, that I have to fix someones situation or fix them....I got RED FLAGS waving already. I can not fix someone nor can I heal someone I can however, introduce them to something that may heal them or help them self fix. I can be a partner and a sounding board and a referral source, as long as I don't take it as a personal attack. Then my defenses are up.
Hopefully this doesn't read horribly.  
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unionman154
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Jul 6 @ 6:19PM
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Right On to the Language of LOVE.  ~*~
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SpiritEnergy
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Jul 6 @ 10:02PM
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Thanks, Union and in response to Beach...
Um, validated means...'Yes I feel this'. And not, 'You should not feel that way blah blah blah'. A for instance is what people often like to do is make someone feel guilty because they are feeling/experiencing anger or some other emotion that is unpleasant. Don't tell someone they are not a good 'whatever' because they are pissed!
This is so wrong to make people feel wrong for their feelings....or worse... 'Get over it' without the person even being allowed the time to feel it, accept that she/he is feeling something and process through it. Even men need to be validated that it IS ok that they feel something and they are still accepted for having those not so hot feelings about some thing or someone.
Some of us DO want to be told to get over it so we don't WALLOW in our misery. So, validation...being told it is ok to feel the feeling then often redirected...like...
'So, what are you going to do about it?' is a very good 'get over it' phrase. Other choice phrases to redirect a normally positive person into feeling better or processing what they have experienced and then, yeah, getting over it.
Not all will do that though. MANY people love to wallow in their misery. Well, those I redirect elsewhere. I am not a dumping ground. It is real easy to spot the professional whiners and move them out of our lives. At least for me. There is the door >>> over there.
Great post, Beach! Thanks!
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nah12
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Jul 7 @ 3:30AM
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Good job Lady
We mistakenly believe that if our partners love us, they will act and behave in certain ways—the ways we react and behave when we love someone. – John Gray
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Mellajenn
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Jul 7 @ 9:45AM
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" am in a relationship right now that is holy heaven and holy hell"
Damn I found that funny and so close to home..lol.
This was funny and informative all at once..good job!
I have a similar situation going on ..he seems to like the nurturing though..but then there is the commitment issue goin on..got any advice? Maybe you should be like Dear abby? And do it with the humor, it is so cool!
Lisa
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SpiritEnergy
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Jul 7 @ 12:04PM
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Haha, thanks! Well, the commitment part, forget it. If he has issues about it, then he is not the one to stay with forever...at this time! That is me as well. I have a fear of commitment. Just enjoy the time you have together. IF...it develops into a time when he CAN commit, then let him do it on his own. Don't try to trick him.
I have the belief that every relationship we get into, heals and educates us in some way. Think of him as Mr Right Now. Not as Mr Right. It may be too much pressure for him.
We commitment phobes have to live one day at a time. Now, you could ask for monogamy tho. I can commit to lust and love but I have to have it labeled as a fling to keep me from panicking over how deep it feels. Sooo, yes, my Mr Right Now.
Try to see it as a step and it may feel better. Allow HIM to look at it as just a step. I am PRACTISING being in a relationship because I sure as hell do NOT know HOW to be in a relationship. And I have a wonderful man that wants to practice as well.
Hope this helps!
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CPUfan
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Jul 7 @ 12:22PM
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I agree, if you find that he's spending more time with you, that is real commitment. If he starts planning things more than a month ahead, he's probably exstatic heheheh. No I don't mean that kind of exstatic that's another story... ;O) Ex-static meaning not as static at his place any more  .
In our modern world we can probably be happy if we last for years. More than five seems to be some kind of major psycho boundary lol. Some last for life still, dunno if that's because they were already half way through life when they met ha haaaa.
I guess we could say give each other space until the space fills up?
Greetings y'all by the way LTNS
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pamdemonium
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Jul 7 @ 12:49PM
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Lights will guide you home...and I will try to Fix You....
Love you, SE.
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Palomino
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Jul 7 @ 10:02PM
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Aren't most of us a bit broken? If not, why are we here? I have been broken and Robo is putting the pieces of my heart back together. He has been broken, too, and I love to nurture him and give him what he lacked in his youth. It is taking time and patience with us, and a lot of love. Since you are afraid of commitment, SE, you also need nurturing. I hope YB does that for you and allow syou the time you need.
Excellent blog, m'dear. ~*~ ~*~
~interesting how this blog is your 69th~ 
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atropos319
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Jul 8 @ 12:01AM
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Wise words indeed.
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mystery2u888
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Jul 8 @ 2:32AM
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Little Spirit I am going to give you an A on this blog  and I know you are iming with someone right now ......and it isn't moi................... 
my one feelers is hurt......... 
I will let you get away with it just this once.......
Excellent blog
 xoxo
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tahoma
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Jul 8 @ 9:01AM
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Nurturing is a drive ‘to promote the development of by providing nourishment, support and encouragement, during the stages of growth
That is so true SE and I am truly blessed that I have a Love in my life that both understands that and is a nurturing, healing soul 
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