It’s a strange thing, the mind. Well, my mind anyways. I’m an intelligent human being. But, when it comes to certain things, my mind just seems to disappear and then bedlam reigns supreme within the space it used to occupy.
You see, all my life, I’ve been called names, harassed, degraded, berated, and in general emotionally and mentally abused by ignorant people who couldn't see behind the fat and find the gem called me. By listening to those people, I found myself in a vicious circle of self-abuse that not only hurt me physically (I began to eat to prove them right and to punish myself for being a bad person) but mentally and emotionally.
I hated my body and myself. I was an ugly soul in a sea of perfection and I felt I didn't deserve to live. So I began to eat myself to an early grave. When that didn't work, I started smoking. Anything to hasten my demise (thank god I was too cowardly to pull the trigger) was what I was looking for. I couldn't look myself in the mirror; I knew that a horrid, ugly person would be looking back at me.
None of it was true. But my mind wouldn't let me believe any differently.
It took one morning of waking up to the same ole day. One of loneliness, disgust and depression that were always with me, never taking a vacation and going away. I looked up at the roof and had a long talk with the heavenly father and told him that my life was a mess. I couldn't handle it on my own, so I was turning it over to him.
Within a short period of time, I started losing weight. I met some great people who are now dear friends. And I started dating again. Which ultimately led me to Paul, who I love very much.
Life is great. Until..................yes you guessed it, the mind is trying to leave again.
Only this time, it's having a hard time taking over. I get these thoughts of how ugly I feel my body is and that how could anyone look at it. The same ole crapola, different year. It really surprised me at how fast it appeared too.
But I’m aware and fighting this time. The mind WILL not leave and I will have ultimate success.
I guess I just need to realize, that, like a recovering addict, this part of me will not ever leave.
I just need to ignore it and move on to another day and better times.
In reality, I’m a great person (everyone says so, lol). In reality, my body is my badge of survival and that while it's not perfect (and never will be), it's who I was, who I am, and who I will be in the future.
Now if I could just figure out how to beat that greek gal in tiger woods golf.... lol!
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| When Insecurities Of The Past, Bite You On The Ass Today |
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QtrAcreGalSeeking
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Jul 7 @ 6:10AM
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Oh so RIGHT HERE....  
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CHERUB1969
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Jul 7 @ 7:02AM
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Thank you for your honesty. I myself have had the same struggles. It is important that we recognize this as the first step. And yes, like an addict it is a remission factor for some time. I myself have no solution for anyone else. I can only say thank you for put it on paper.... and remind myself and others that struggle the same that life is a pecious gift... our lives! Have a peaceful day and let that inner beauty and kind understanding be your badge of honor. You worked for it. The bottom line is that that is all that can not be taken away from us.
Love and peace,
Robin
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ragtopcookie
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Jul 7 @ 7:31AM
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Theres an old saying.....mind over matter......if you dont mind...it dosnt matter...never let anybody try to put you down.....put your back against the wall.....and come out swinging.....good luck my friend.....cookie
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azgirl701
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Jul 7 @ 9:12AM
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your a sweet person and never doubt that i am glad you have my friend paul in your life just be happy be yourself friend
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Mellajenn
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Jul 7 @ 9:18AM
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I admire your courage for writing this..I am at the point of going for that long talk with God too...now maybe I will do it sooner..THANKS! 
One thing I have tried to do though is positive affirmations...when the negative thoughts come, replace them with positive ones..saying "I love myself unconditionally" , in the mirror too, can help. ,or anything positive, just flip the negative into a positive, now if i could REMEMBER to do that ALL the time, things might be better! It is a long hard learning process trying to retrain the mind. 
Keep the faith and I will too!
Light & Love to you!
Lisa
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Ginstl
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Jul 7 @ 9:26AM
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All the negative self opinion thinking is conditioning by society.You become what you think about the most. If people had praised you like a goddess of beauty your entire life, you would be just that.
As long as you are aware of that conditioning, you have the power to recognize it and reject it for what it is. It is not outside of you. You and your mind are one and the same and will live as one until the day you die.
It's like a part of your mind needs re-programming because of the conditioning. You are the captain of your ship and can correct all of that stinkin thinkin.
Unfortunatly; people sense what you think about yourself and are not always kind.
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magnolia57
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Jul 7 @ 10:44AM
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be strong my friend...I have had the same inscureites to deal with. you have Paul there with you to help get over the rough spots and in that you are lucky. 
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Peachdejour
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Jul 19 @ 5:23PM
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It always comes back... but you see it now! I love you Aunt Missy! God always takes care of his children!
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