Once again we come upon that time of year where the masses gather for a celebration of their uniqueness. Given many names, these gatherings serve only to ensure that the gene pool propagates itself for anyone generation. That's right... It's time for the State Fair!!!
Just for reference, I count ANY fair held in the summer organized by a local organization, township, city, county, or state as belonging to this phenomenon. So those of you at *insert name here*-palooza or Maxwell Street days or whatever clever name the organizers believed they gave it need to take a look around, because I am about to explain the 4 major types of people you will see surrounding you at these gala events;
#1 - Darwin's Escapees - This group is instantly identifiable. The fake leg. The hand that doesn't quite look right. The eye patch. The scar from the back of their leg, under their shorts, back out onto their inadvertently-exposed lower back, under their shirt, and then back out the neck of their shirt and across their cheek. Was it an industrial accident? Did Mommy and Daddy have the same Mommy and Daddy? Did they think running the Tilt-a-Whirl after 17 Budweisers because the Carnie was busy getting some from the bearded lady couldn't result in serious injury? Regardless, these people have someone escaped being an example of Darwinism, and they meet once a year at the fair to meet others like them.
#2 - The Spontaneous Alcoholics - You'll find this group hovering at the beer tent counting out singles for those three $7 beers they're about to down before checking out the Tilt-a-Whirl/bearded lady. You can identify them by the squealing noises they make whenever the band finishes a song, finishes a verse, or they finish a beer. They will be the people you see later trying to explain to the police officer how they only had 6 beers and slurring "No, that's not a dude... That's my date".
#3 - The Hot Chick - She's dressed to kill. Her killer body is wrapped in something just slightly less transparent than saran wrap. Her ass shakes under that denim skirt she's wearing.... barely wearing.... Barely wearing around her waist. Her 36 C's are ready to burst from that tight top at any moment, and her long blond hair was created by the Gods themselves. And if she wasn't 15 and there weren't 40,000 people that know where you live there, you'd bang the hell out of that chick... Oh yes you would. (There is a male equivalent I'm sure, but I'm too busy trying to stay out of jail to notice them.)
#4 - The Not-So-Hot Chick - She's dressed to kill... a leopard and a kaleidoscope. Her 52 G's are ready to burst out from the bottom of her shirt any moment, and her tri-colored hair is just shy of a lesbian hairdo. Her ass shakes like jello in an earthquake in the hefty bag she converted into a skirt, and she hasn't been 15 since Nixon was president. And if there weren't 40,000 people that knew where you lived, you still wouldn't bang the hell out of that chick... It is a chick, right? Oh wait, she just left with the spontaneous alcoholic. (I've seen the male equivalent to this, but just describing the female version made me feel like I was on the Tilt-a-Whirl after 17 or so Budweisers.)
Okay, maybe that was a little mean.......... But I DARE you to go to a fair this year and not see a member of each group before you exit your car...
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