I may be damaged, but a woman can heal me almost immediately. My heart was broken severely long ago. It took 3 years before I trusted it with anyone else. As much as I hate to think it, I may have taken my hurt out on her. Not physically, you must understand. I don't do that. But emotionally.
I brought her in close, then backed away. I watched the demise of our relationship as if I was standing on the outside. I marveled at what I was capable of, and vowed to never do it again. I feel it is better to hurt inside, than to hurt someone else. At the same time, I won't let myself get into a situation that is not good for me.
I need challenges in a relationship. I'm not a chameleon, I need 'lather, rinse, repeat' situations. If there's a place I'm not comfortable going, take me there repeatedly. Too many see my confusion, my fish out of water expression, and vow to never do that to me again. Even though I say "It wasn't bad, I didn't have a horrible time."
That is something that my last two attempts have done to me. They've taken me somewhere out of my comfort zone, and seeing my inability to thrive, have not given me the chance to get better at it. Yes, I even tell them I need more experience.
So, I have opened myself up to hurt, and have been. After I hurt the first one, I scared even myself. It took me 5 years to even consider getting close to anyone. And it hurt. But, I persevered. I got better, I got stronger. The woman that broke me, even came back to me; but I said 'no'. I was wiser even then. I was proud of myself. Because it truly would've been another bad situation.
When you find yourself in a relationship that is going nowhere, it's hard to extricate yourself from it without hurting someone's feelings. I've met a couple of women through the internet, but those didn't pan out. The internet makes lying to me too easy.
I'm growing into the man I should be, but too late. And, that's my fault. I'm an intelligent man, but in this arena I'm too slow to learn. It can take me years to get over someone. And, that first woman who broke my heart is still the love of my life. We just won't love together ever again. I have forgiven her time and time again, and we are indeed friends. She's no longer the woman I met so long ago. And, I'm not the same guy either. Our love is in the memory of the way we were back then.
I'm looking forward now. Not backwards. It's much less scary, because there are no hoops to jump through; no hurdles to cross; no memories to improve on. And, that fills me with hope.
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