This year, the seventh of September will be a time of celebration for me. It will be the freeing of any and all guilt I may have harbored in the past over a certain element in my life. It will find me embracing my life with both arms wide open. I will no longer mourn and maunder over death, but will relive the life that was shared. I shall become whole.
What in the hell is she talking about? You may be wondering that very thought.
9 years ago, September 7, I lost my mother to cancer. She basically committed passive suicide. She knew she had the disease and did nothing about it. And by the time, my siblings and I found out, it was too late. We found out she was dying august 9th that year. Less than a month later, she was gone.
The hell we went through those final days will be with myself and my brother and sisters. But I will no longer feel guilty about it. I had guilt from when I was younger and wished she were dead. Yeah I know, kid stuff, but it can come back to haunt you. I also had guilt for not seeing it sooner.
And then there was the guilt because of the sense of freedom her death gave me. I was no longer under her spell per se. I could start living my own life. The guilty feeling she always put on us kids if we wanted something totally different from what she wanted was no longer there. I was free.
So, 9 years later, and a lot of growing and loving later, I have arrived.
On Sunday, September 7th, 2008, I Mel, will embrace my darling Paul, and say thank you mom for giving my life back to me. A tear may be shed, but in happiness.
In happiness.
Huggles and love to all
Mel
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