ok.....most of us divorced people have some sort of problems with our ex spouse...but how do we handle it when it's affecting our kids? and when our kids are affecting us? see...i've been divorced for 3 years....and in that time my ex husband has tried numerous ways to take my kids from me...when it gets to court and the judge does an in camera (private interview) with my kids ...they always get returned to me. My ex used to be very abusive to both our sons but more so our oldest when we were married...then after the divorce he changed to where he doesnt even discipline them...he lets them get away with whatever they want and constantly and forever bashes my character.....often while buying them things..or taking them on elaborate vacations...which because he doesnt pay his child support he knows i can't afford to do. then i get my kids back and it's this big thing to reintigrate them in my home. Now...i gave up a relationship with someone i loved for two reasons...one was that my kids wanted to live here in new mexico and not where we were in massachusetts and also because my ex husband didnt pay his child support so i could no longer afford to commute the 2100 miles to get them after his visits were over. My oldest son has some how been convinced that his father hung the moon and it doesnt matter how much his dad does wrong he still wants to live with him. I don't feel that it is a good thing for my kids to live with him full time...especially because of things he's done with them(if you've read my past blogs you know about him taking their blood) . It doesn't matter what i try to do to make my kids happy or how much love i give them....real love..not the bought and paid for kind....my oldest still wants to be with his dad. He can't give me a reason or tell me what is so great about being with his dad....i know at their dads house they dont have many rules and i know he doesnt make them keep up their rooms or make their beds..and he buys them the world ....but other than that i see no reason why he would choose his dad and it kills me that he does.....his dad even talks rather derogatorily to them.....i hate this...how do i cope and what should i do? what am i doing wrong? 
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kywonder
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Sep 17 @ 12:24AM
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I know from my divorce, it did not help her for me to bash my ex in front of her. I am not saying that you do, just speaking for myself. I finally just left her alone and she saw him for his self. Now that it has been almost 11 years, I even encourage her to see her father. She is 34, so I can not make her. But sooner or later, the kids see through the false love and wake up to know that you were right and their father/mother was wrong. In some instances, no one was wrong, the parents just could not get along.
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oct_cat
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Sep 17 @ 6:22AM
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I don't know how old your kids are but generally they live in a "me" world and material objects are important to them. I'm guessing your oldest is more focused right now on things from his dad rather than feeling emotional love & support from you. It sounds like your ex is trying to be the "favorite" parent . . . no discipline, gifts, vacations, etc. It most likely is his way of getting back at you. The more reaction you show to this, the more he enjoys it.
I don't know the laws in your area, but would it be possible to put all "hard feelings" aside for one evening, everyone sit down together & talk about the living situation. Maybe if your oldest lived with his dad for awhile, he'd eventually "see" thru the charade? Maybe if your ex had the responsibility of being a fulltime parent to the oldest, he'd 'mature'. I know of people who split the kids during the divorce, 1 lived with the mom, the other lived with the dad & each had visitations with the other parent.
I'd love to have my kids full time . . . but during my divorce my kids came up with the idea of splitting time equally . . . & it's turned out well for all of us.
Put the kids first & put your negative feelings about the ex on a back burner. Kids always end up being smarter than parents give them credit for.
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cOuNtRyGiRl816
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Sep 17 @ 9:07AM
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my daughter is 5 and everytime she gets mad at me she wants to go live with her dad. he beat me for almost 2 years before I had the sense to get the hell out, and yet she also thinks he hung the moon. I know its because here with me she has discipline, rules, and doesn't get a toy everytime she asks...but with him, she has no rules, and he buys her everything she asks for.
So just do what I'm doing, hang in there. not much more we can do!
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wolfmist
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Sep 17 @ 4:09PM
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Yep, sadly the only advice is hang in there... eventually the kids see who is the caring parent.
My kids dad.. the shrink... used to visit with them every other weekend, spend a ton of money on them, always paid his child support... till he met his current wife.
With her he started drinking, smoking crack and other drugs, neglecting the kids, being rude and abusive toward them, manipulating them, putting them in the middle of his fights with his wife... they actually called my kids up in the middle of the night when they were drunk and told them their dad cheated on his wife... with details about how it was only BJs!! How sick is that??
I went to court after he drove drunk with them IN THE CAR. He lost custody for several months but eventually he got it back because the judge said he had jumped enough hoops... he failed his FIRST urine test after regaining visitation and STILL the judge let it slide. I can't protect them and the courts won't.
NOW however, they are a little older, they see what he's doing to them and have hardened their hearts against his shenannigans. They stopped inviting him to school functions, plays, recitals, etc because either he says he'll come and doesn't or just refuses.
I know it breaks your heart to see him break theirs... just don't say anything bad about him. I just would say... well, that's your dad. Sorry I picked a bad one for you! Now at 17, 15 and 12 they have seen the light. None will visit him, 2 won't take his calls even though he keeps sending them money... which they send right back along with any gifts he sends. They don't want him to know our new addy when we move. Want me to get a PO box so he can't show up unexpectedly at the house.
It's tough... hon... hang in. Big hugs to ya and you can always write me and vent if you need... that helps a lot. Having someone to vent to!!
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