One Woman's Workout

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you u read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high
school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea
to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. ?Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!!
It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early
in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put
me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was
not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.. She sent another skinny bitch
to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine --
which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has
ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body
I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the damn barbells or anything that weigh s more than a sandwich..

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that
is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted
me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!