Here I float between the present and the past. somewhere between darkness and light. Is that light ahead or another path of torture disguised as delight? Why do I hold onto the pain so much easier than the happiest times? I have really worked through the last train wreck, i know it wasn't me, I mean there was part of me I stayed I chose to let it go one but I did finally find the courage within to say no more get out. I have never regretted it. The kids really are better for it. But no one forgets 4 yrs of your life. Like I told him recently I don't hate him I hate the sick crap he did! So anyhow..
...Lately I somehow found myself on another path and out of the blue I found giggles and laughter. I found intriguement I thought I had lost. What could this mean? I am trying not to get excited, I always get let down when I get excited. But my whole self being is being reawoken and I don't know I thought I was ready before but Suddenly I think nope NOW I REALLY AM READY.
So it's kinda scary cause uhm parts of me are waking up I forgot I had lol. Part of me wants to shut back down. It's kinda that fight or flight response.
I had an RNY and I wrote something the other day. I would like to write here, actually try to remember it here:
There you are my friend, the friend who is always there for my scary moments, my upset moments, my really happy moments. No one can do what you do. Oh you small so good and the textures you provide are so wonderful. Pure aromatherapy. I can cry and share you with me and no one will laugh or tell me to deal with it. what you bring to me can not be matched by anything else. No one has to know. Behind those closed doors it's just us. As I swallow another bag of chips and the milk goes down so well. Another jos luis oh yes. *tears* you are my true friends you never let me down. Oh the salty fries the glide down so well. Oh I am feeling so fat right now, oh here it comes porcelin bowl my other friend we're on our way and up it comes over and over, the sweats, the rapid heartbeat the tears, sometimes even passing out right there. Make sure that toothbrush is right there to help that last bit come up. Until the next binge my friends.... This was my life until I had the RNY and was actually hosptal while pregnant with my 3rd child as i managed to loose 60lbs doing this, I was angry as they weighed me everyday. I have to admit I have done it a few times since my rny but I get dumping with my rny and when I have binged it makes me sick almost right away so a binge to me wouldn't really count to most people but I feel still shameful!
unfortunately my parents made food a huge issue for us and I think about food 24/7 and thus it's dribbled down to my kids. My oldest he thinks about food but I think he's pretty healthy, my middle child is too skinny she is trying to ain lbs with protien and my youngest hoardes food , I worry about her alot.
My dad used to tell me I was going to look like my mom the whole time I grew up. It deeply affected me.
So anyhow yeah life is kinda changing for me right now, I think I might be moving towards something that could be making me happy:)
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