Why Is It So Hard? posted 9/22/2008 10:47:23 AM | 5 kudos what's this?     report abuse

Orion313

My last love reappeared in my life a little more than a week ago. I had not seen her or talked to her for months. I was well over the emotional upheaval that breakups cause, and after all, I ought to be an old hand at this breakup business, having had more of those in my life than truly meaningful lasting relationships. We'd done the proper kiss-off and I was doing just fine, thank you. My night-dreams weren't filled with her pretty face any more, I had come to terms with the truth that she wasn't particularly good for me, and I knew that she had other issues far more pressing than what to do with an, as it turned out, quite insignificant lover.

She called me. Said she didn't know why she was calling, really, just that she wanted to hear my voice. My heart skipped a beat even as the alarm bells sounded in my head. She asked if we could meet--this was a shocking of earthquake proportions, because by the end of our relationship, she'd told me it was over, via text message, not in person. She didn't do in person any more, at least with me.

And promptly, the thought of looking into those beautiful green eyes again, seeing that little smile of hers....all the feelings came rushing back to me, and my heart ached again for my loss of her, and my anger at what she had done in leaving me welled like tears in my still open-wounded heart, and I hated her and I loved her all over again, and I thought what it would be like if we could have again what we once had before....before...she marginalized me and decided she could do quite well without me, even having promised me faithfully and fervently that she loved me and wished to marry me more than anything.

We met. It was a tender meeting, full of regret and hope and dashed confidence and plucking of buried heart-strings, and she smiled, and I cried softly with only my eyes full of tears and I asked if she missed me and she nodded affirmatively and my heart was throbbing with both joy and agony and I was aware that I had lost my balance again and was losing my way, and that the grief and hurt she caused she was just glossing over, not taking any more responsibility now than she had done before, and a part of me didn't care, I wanted her so badly.

But a stronger part of me did care. Not about her, but about respect for my own feelings and respect for the pain I had and still was enduring all because I had loved her with all my heart. It had been mercilesly hard to be rejected by her--I felt savaged and brutalized and assaulted, then neglected--but now, even harder for me, was my own rejection of her. I told her it was over. That I couldn't trust her with my feelings any more. That she wasn't good for me.

No response, and none since. I knew I'd done the right thing.

But why is it so hard?

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Blogs by Orion313: Reading Carse and That Long Ago Football Championship Mr President My Teaching Philosophy Relationship Manifesto: A Lover's Promise, Part 2 Relationship Manifesto: A Lover's Promise, Part 1 Is Enchantment Necessary for Real Love to Flourish? Some O' These Here Blogs Chapter 2--Fiction Something Lighter--Maybe I Should Stick with Fiction Now I Know Why Is It So Hard? Rocking Worlds Brutal Honesty? Promises to Keep Baggage, Part 5 Baggage, Part 4 Baggage, Part 3 Baggage, Part 2 Baggage, Pt 1 The First Kiss Commitment or Possessiveness?