I’ve been about as active as an old dog this summer. Wallowing in the sweat, heat, and feeling of impending doom that only come from the toxic combination of middle age realization, depression, and of course – August.
I had a job go bad at the first of the summer, and a dark funk just fell over me like an executioner’s hood. You can’t see exactly what is happening around you, but you know the path you are on is going to be unpleasant, short, and probably irreversible.
The details are not important, only that once I had fallen into the blackness; nothing else mattered, or would matter until I found the light again. I did all the basic things like doing easy work, engaging family, talking to the doctor, etc. etc….. nothing, blank….. My apathy consumed me like silence in a school gym at 4:00AM on a Sunday. Surrounding everything, and so complete that a whisper or a whimper would deafen you.
This weekend, I found the light. I was looking for a tiny beam of hope, a laser on disk, to cut the darkness and produce the music that we who elect to have no drummer at all, dance to. I didn’t expect an explosion.
It was a great light with thunderous noise, to not only burn out the darkness, but to shake the dust and cobwebs from my mind with a mighty concussive blast. Yes, Stella may have got her groove back,,,, but I found my hate. It’s been years since I danced with it.
It’s the hate that comes from anger, from emotion, from the fire spark deep down in your soul that is the mortal enemy of “I don’t care.” It’s the hate that lives next to love, under the roof of passion.
I may be incapable of feeling love anymore, but love has a room mate that I did not know how much I had missed. I’ve longed for her embrace, and to feel something, anything, other than “I don’t care.”.
The details of how I found my lost hate are also not important. Maybe later there will be more on this, but for now,,,, it’s just the realization that life requires fire. A fire that can come from love or anything else you are passionate about. I threw out or traded away everything I was passionate about, so the last keep of emotions in my dark soul,,,,, found fertile silence in which it could play it’s intoxicating melody. And I danced.
Watching the blood circle the drain as I washed my hands, reminded me that all things of value in this world are either of your blood, or paid for by your blood. Hunters are never happy unless they are hunting, and killers are never happy unless they are killing. All other things are just meant to pass the time. I’m no killer, but it’s amazing what a person can live through.
My eyes shine again. My soul burns again. My heart is pumping, and full of blood. I’m willing to trade it to pay my accounts, and settle old bills. Not even Christ could pay with credit, it was a blood account.
It is time for me to harness this little spark, and clean house. The hobgoblins and troglodytes that pull me into the darkness of apathy should enjoy the last minutes of their thunder and my silence. Already their dim is fading, like the last echo of war drums careening through the valley. The call of a nemesis gives purpose and direction to 3 months of self imprisoned rage.
Other than a mother standing over her child, is there anything more dangerous than an old warrior, who again feels like life is worth living. Let the call go out,,,,, “I’ve got my dancing shoes on.”
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| I got my dancing shoes on. |
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daisy315
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Oct 6 @ 10:49PM
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ok hon.. now you just need to find someone to supply the music..glad to see that you have walked away from the darkness 
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jayej
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Oct 6 @ 10:52PM
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Other than a mother standing over her child, is there anything more dangerous than an old warrior, who again feels like life is worth living
I can't think of to many things.
J
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GraceUnderFire747
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Oct 7 @ 12:44AM
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From the deepest desires often come the deadliest hate. ~Socrates
I'm glad that something or someone was able to pull the trigger and blast away the remnants of your August,
You have my sympathy, because for me, life is "Groundhog Day, August 1st". The events surrounding it have branded themselves across my psyche, burned in too deeply to ever heal.
Please dance a round for me, friend, and the best of luck at winning the dance contest.
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pamdemonium
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Oct 15 @ 10:35AM
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Sometimes, you scare me a little bit... 
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