Please forgive me again if you think this is getting old, or if you may wonder about now what is wrong with me. However, I must share with you that you can't wonder anymore about me then I am wondering about myself...
I had to "get this out", see it in words, and hopefully then be able to feel better. It has been a year and half now since my late husband died. There have been many things that have happened but...
It just hit me today , AGAIN, that he is not here waiting for me to "fill him in" when I get home. He is not here to put the porch light on for me when I am out after dark, or to have the coffee ready for me in the morning. Many days, or even weeks pass and in general I feel pretty good, even hopeful about the future, but THEN there is a day like today and I can't stop missing him, crying, or trying to imagine what life for me will be like from here on...
I can't help feeling that this was supposed to be the time of his retirement. The time we would be enjoying together or going through some hard things together too. Now, there is just "silence" to face day in and day out. I know it is only one day and I will get through this, BUT they are the longest days I have ever lived....
It's really hard to explain such feelings to those of you who have not yet faced it, but I pray that you have the time with whomever you end up loving, to "complete" the lives you imagined together. That is my wish for you..
Thanks so much for allowing me to release some of this pain once again. 
Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)
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| Warning-I have no choice.... |
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MrPaul
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Oct 17 @ 3:21PM
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But you are never alone, you are loved and prayed for by many. God bless. Paul 
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gunn12fan
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Oct 17 @ 4:07PM
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Like Paul said you are never alone you have friends here that care for you and love you! Were here for you 
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equuisdancer
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Oct 17 @ 4:16PM
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Syb..you know I understand...4 yrs this month...your just beginning at 1 1/2 years..the pain does go away..not that anyone can tell you that now..and in it's own time...the memories...well they will always be there ..but your doing the best thing..bringing up your pain and sharing..crying cleanses the soul if not the heart!
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KnittinKitten
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Oct 17 @ 4:19PM
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syb, I'm sure you're really feeling the pain....I can do nothing to take it away from you, but doctors seem to feel that it begins to subside in about 5 years and, until then, widowed persons should not attempt to form new relationships.
I can understand what they say, but, it seems to me that it is within the first 5 years that widowed feel the loneliest However I know that there are groups..maybe within your church or community, where widows and widowers get together to discuss these things that are so important to both of you.
I cannot fully understand things from your side, but, maybe you'll take out a moment to see things from MY side....I only had a total of 9 years marriage...He didn't not pass away....he played around....for 4 years before I found out and divorced him. Imagine what someone in THAT situation might feel....no ending to it...it's just over....during those painful years you see him regularly, either with the children or maybe even with other women....
The pain from those years has definitely dulled....actually, disappeared, because I have many, many happy memories since that time. Maybe it's better to know that you're not alone...and, maybe even good to know that not only widows suffer such pain....it's different, but, I'm sure, equal.
Sincerely,
Knittin kitten
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butterfly943
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Oct 17 @ 4:56PM
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Im so sorry your feeling this way...when someone passes before we think they need to its a strange empty feeling..waiting to see them just one more time...When my brother Joe passed in 04 at only 46 I couldnt understand why the world kept moving because he no longer could...but I have a wall in my bedroom the has pictures of my brother and both my sisters...it also has in the middle a guardian angel to watch over them and me as well..I find comfort looking at their pictures and saying goodnight to them each night..it makes me feel closer...God Bless you 
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WouldntItBeGr8To
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Oct 17 @ 5:03PM
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Time is all that can heal some things...problem is, there is no clock to watch, no gauge to measure where on the time spectrum you are. But there is so much going on inside that you are unaware of that you will never know...I know you are strong so I believe you won't take that as something depressing, it just aknowledging that you are on this damn roller coaster.
You're sharing you thoughts, your emotions and sending your support for all of us will have a healing affect for all,
Thank you 
You're going to be fine 
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Snappygoddess
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Oct 17 @ 5:35PM
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Having lost a husband almost 6 yrs ago to a dreadful disease.. I can relate to your emotions, pain and grief. I STILL have days when I miss his crazy laugh or his corny jokes...even though I am remarried I do still miss my late husband.
Thank you for sharing your pain.. it DOES help to put a voice or type to your lonliness and grief. My prayer for you is to find some peace and gentle stillness in your chaotic thoughts. You are not alone in your pain.
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suthrn_belle
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Oct 17 @ 5:48PM
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Now, there is just "silence" to face day in and day out. {Quote}
Sybnann....listen to the silence, you will hear his voice. God Bless You.
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katydid438
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Oct 17 @ 5:53PM
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hpylady
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Oct 17 @ 7:00PM
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I always looked forward to retirement and being with a man I loved FOREVER .. I'm not .. I'm sitting here alone .. the only thing that helps is counting my blessings and smileing a lot and joking with friends.
Do something today that you enjoy ..
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QtrAcreGalSeeking
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Oct 17 @ 7:39PM
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Syb, you inspired me to post AN EMILY DICKINSON blog and poem...... 
Go see, Big Sis; it's FOR BOTH of us.
Love;
Gwennie
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fenderchick
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Oct 17 @ 10:54PM
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sybnann
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Oct 18 @ 8:15PM
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I wanted to say thank you to all of you who commented and for your kind words. The emotional support really does help. 
God Bless
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