Somebody Bigger Than You and I
And they say, best men are moulded out of faults,
And, for the most, become much more the better
For being a little bad.
If I must die,
I will encounter darkness as a bride,
And hug it in mine arms. -- William Shakespeare from Measure for Measure
October 13, 2008 - 3:47 a.m. - Once again, I find myself on the floor of my bedroom on my knees sobbing... I dreamed of a demon chasing who I believed to be me through a dark path.. but it was not me being chased, but rather my brother, and it was he I heard crying out loudly.. "Dear God, please help me."
At 3:55 p.m. my father and sister, break down the door to his house because they had not heard from him since the prior day and when they tried calling, they could not get through.
Oct. 17th, 11:47 a.m. -- We pray for eternal rest and freedom from pain for our son, brother, uncle, cousin, best friend, firefighter, sawyer, demo derby driver, lover of his awesome great dane, who preceded him in death, R.E.S.
This week has been a blur. This is the second younger brother and the baby of the clan of 5 children born to a struggling couple some 50 odd years ago. This baby boy of theirs being only 40 years of age, died ALONE of a heart attack in his rural home deep in the woods. He died with his left arm folded over his heart, wrapped in a blanket, watching TV, alone thinking of the events of his life while being summoned to the heavens when his messenger came calling.
It is no secret that my brother gave up on life a long time ago. It began with the same thing most of us have done in our lifetime. Partied too hard and drank too much. But as the saying goes.. "you either control your demons, or they control you" so it was.
My brother, my baby child boy, born when I was 16, had a demon that controlled his life for the past 7 years. This demon was not fire and brimstone, not at all huge, nor a monster, not loud and belligerent. It came with gifts of numbness from pain, peace of slumber, the temporary erasure of stress and hurt. It came with a wonderful taste and a promise of tranquility for the time it lulled one to sleep. But make no mistake, this demon was just as powerful, just as fierce, just as scary, just as uncaring.
I listen to people that ask why there was not some sign that would have alerted someone that was 'SUPPOSED' to love that person, so there would be measures taken to stop the slow suicide, the painful surveillance of those that loved that one watch as bit by bit, dignity by dignity this demon took all their health, pride, ambition and dreams and turned them to dust, decay and rot while whispering with breath as foul as the sewer of peace, joy and love. Those that were forced to watch this suicide dance cried in their own darkness, prayed with vengeance for assistance with their loved one who struggled and succumbed to the siren calls of the beast of demons. There is nothing you can understand until you have been a part of this dance to know that no matter how much you do, no matter how much you ask, beg, plead; no matter how much you love this person, unless he/she is ready, willing and has the desire to turn their life back on the path of caring and wanting their dreams and joy in their life, you will NEVER effectively or successfully change another's thoughts, hopes, dreams, or make them want to live.
To see the lifestyle that these people who are controlled by the demon live, is incomprehensible to most, would shock most to the point of disbelief, and bring tears and hurt that is unbearable.
This is my plea to each of you that take that other drink, that say, it won't ever win, I can control it.. one day, this demon may show you that it holds what you believe will bring relief from whatever pain or heartache you feel, if you open the door and invite him in, he will stay and if your have any weakness in your spirit, he will take over.
I beg you, please, in the name of R.E.S. think, know what it will do to those that must remain behind who have watched this slow suicide, and fight with every fiber in you to control this demon.
So please if you would, say one tiny prayer for my brother to speed his deliverance to his heavenly father and my other brother and his dog.. pray with me, this Lakota prayer:
Grand Mother East:
From you comes the sun which brings life to us all; I ask that you have the sun shine on my friends here, and bring a new life to them -- a life without the pain and sadness of the world; and to their families, bring your sun for they also need your light for their lives.
Grand Father South:
You bring the storms from the south which brings the rains to nourish us and our crops. Be gentle when you fall on my friends; and as the rain touches them, let it wash away the pain and sadness that they carry with them.
Grand Mother West:
You take the sun from us and cradle it in your arms, then you bring darkness onto us so that we may sleep. When you bring the darkness to my friends here, do so without the nightmares that we have had for so long. Let your stars and moon shine on my friends in a gentle manner; and as they look at the stars, they remember that those stars are the spirits of my friends shining on them and those friends are at peace.
Grand Father North:
You are the Warrior, you have ridden alongside my friends here into battle, you have also felt their love and caring when you were wounded or lonely; ride alongside of them, for now they are in this the hardest battle for their life, the battle for inner peace. Now is the time for you to care for them.
Grand Father Sky:
May your songs of the winds and clouds sweep the pain and sadness out of my friends' hearts; as they hear those songs, let them know the spirits who are with those songs are at peace.
Grand Mother Earth:
I have asked all the other GrandFathers and GrandMothers to help my friends rid themselves of the troubles that weigh so heavy on their hearts. This way, the weight they carry will be less; and they will walk more softly on you.
Grand Mother Earth, from your womb all spirits have come when they return to you; cradle them gently in your arms and allow them to join their friends in the skies. If they want to hurry themselves to you, tell them you are not ready; and they must wait, for now they can pass on peace to others.
May the Great Spirit watch over you, and may you be at peace.
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| Death be Not Proud.... Someone Bigger than You and I |
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PrettyGreenEyes578
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Oct 18 @ 8:35PM
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My Friend ~ you and your family are in my prayers.
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unionman154
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Oct 18 @ 8:42PM
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Amen Carol. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
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daisy315
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Oct 18 @ 8:49PM
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prayers from here C.. I am so sorry my dear.
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mailorderannie
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Oct 18 @ 8:56PM
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C....I'm so sorry.
I'm sitting here thinking that our demons come in different forms...drink, drugs, cigarettes, or even as simple as eating badly.
Thanks for the kick in the butt....I needed it.
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fenderchick
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Oct 18 @ 9:00PM
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Ah sweety, I'm so sorry...Words cannot describe how I feel for you right now...Your in my thoughts and heart
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ohtayicu
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Oct 18 @ 9:00PM
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mzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz C~~~~, i'm sorry.
There is nothing you can understand until you have been a part of this dance to know that no matter how much you do, no matter how much you ask, beg, plead; no matter how much you love this person, unless he/she is ready, willing and has the desire to turn their life back on the path of caring and wanting their dreams and joy in their life, you will NEVER effectively or successfully change another's thoughts, hopes, dreams, or make them want to live.
you and i both know a person can not be forced to do something or give up something. everyone must do things for themselves, in order to succeed--- whether it is drugs, drinking, or smoking.
your brother no longer hurts and is at peace. when you think of him, try to remember the positive good things you shared,,, as he is now enjoying them, once again.
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SallyF
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Oct 18 @ 9:10PM
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Aho....Amen (((Carol)))
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leprichaun_magic
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Oct 18 @ 9:15PM
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Thinking of you
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oceanlover734
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Oct 18 @ 9:17PM
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My dear sweet friend, we just hung up and I go back and read this blog over and over again. I beg you to please please read those prayers over and over for yourself. I ask each of us here to hold you close in prayer.
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butterfly943
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Oct 18 @ 9:49PM
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Oh I am so very very sorry for you and the ones you hold close and love...As you might already know I to have lost my brother Joe in 2004 due to hep-c and alcohol..one of the most deadly abused legal things possible..and no..no matter how much you beg, plead, cry..and love them sometimes its not enough..the demon wins..I believe it gets to the point they dont even remember what they are trying to get away from..the numbness they think they need is not helping face what they need to..its such a sad circle sometimes without an end...people dont change until they are ready but sometimes time runs out and the ones left here are left with all the unanswered questions...all I can do to help you in this time is pray for peace for your family and comfort in the thought that you have done what you could....God Bless you and yours just know you do have people that truly care 
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Loinlee_Sole
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Oct 18 @ 10:13PM
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imlost2
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Oct 18 @ 10:39PM
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Oh my goodness, this has just brought tears to my eyes, I'm so sorry. May he rest now in peace, the peace I wish you and yours could have shared on Earth. Prayers are with you. Take care Lost
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redtigr
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Oct 18 @ 10:53PM
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Oh, Carol, I am so sorry. My heart just breaks for you.
Sincere condolences to your family who are all in my thoughts and my heart at this terrible time.
May he find the peace he could not have in this life - and may we all learn from his ordeal.
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American_Woman
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Oct 18 @ 11:49PM
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I'm so sorry I know the pain is unbearable. God bless you and your family.
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bardnsage
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Oct 19 @ 1:51AM
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The demon chases many of us, and catches some. During the race, the only place you think you find peace, is the bottom of the glass.
Alas, my glass has long since lost this magical power. No more can it shelter me from the demons in the never ending game of tag, a temporay base to hide from the pain, images and guilt that this life has heaped on me.
Now the only base is at the bottom of the bottle. An exponential increase in the speed of self destruction. Yet, only a fraction of the escape that the glass once provided.
From my pit, I cry for you and your brother. Cry for the lost oppertunities and wasted promise. Cry for the hopeless feelings that now turn to turn regret. Cry for the struggle, that has come to an end. Cry for the tears that wash away the anger and frustrations from years of watching the struggle.
On the morning sun, should God grant me privilage of seeing another one, I will take a drive to the pasture. There I will take an extra long time brushing, picking and pampering one of the only souls on this earth that lifts me above my pain, my sorrow, my regret, and my confusion.
In his company, I can let go. I can drop the shield, and lower the armor around my heart. This is when God can find me, and help me accept what I do not understand, or what I can not control.
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Goodness_Gracie
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Oct 19 @ 6:44AM
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Carol you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry you have to experience this. My deepest sympathy.
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luvshorses644
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Oct 19 @ 6:11PM
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I would like to thank each of you for your comments, condolences and the prayers; my brother's soul is that which needs prayers.
The pain is not ours, it was carried in the heart of my brother. It became his pit of darkness and his pain that was only eased temporarily through the bottle. I have many good memories and those are how I shall remember him, but I also have some that will haunt me for the remainder of my time here... the last days of his life and how he lived and the pain he felt. As Bard said, all my family have cried for all he (Bard) listed.. the wasted opportunities, the regrets, the guilt, the struggles, and his pain.
I pray now for those that stand at the edge of that pit thinking that if they take that step and join the darkness it will ease that pain, it will hide their stress - it only creates more and deeper pain, but they do not become aware of it until it is too late, for they have become comfortably numb and think that this numbness state will take it away and, for the small while until it wears off, the pain does recede. But with the numbness comes a whole new list of problems.. health, pain deeper than before, the total lack of wanting to live.
For those reading this and thinking this cannot happen, understand, the darkness has a power, a seduction which will pull at your soul, it will sing to you, it will make promises that will never materialize. I know that each of us face challenges, each of us are hurt by others, but when the end comes as painfully as it did for my brother and so many others, is this what you have waited so long for? Do you really want to wake up in a house in an utter state of disarray and filth? Do you want to see those that love you cry each time they see how much further you have declined in health and appearance? Please, please, please, make up your mind that you want to live. Pick a goal that is attainable and work toward it. And above all never lose the joy a simple sunrise or sunset affords.... allow that small joy to spread, open your arms and embrace it; feed it with small tidbits each day until it is alive and reproducing on its own accord. You are loved, you are worth your life, you are unique and as such your enthusiasm should grow.
Thank you for the words of sympathy and your caring.
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misschief
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Oct 20 @ 11:39AM
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I am so sorry.
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